HUMOR

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I found the following short, humorous stories in a book called, --- “The Dictionary of Jokes.” They were compiled by the author Fred Metcalfe. They represent relatively innocent humor and I hope you enjoy them.

1. Agent: Leave your number and I’ll call you when I’m looking for someone to play an old man.

Actor: But I’m a young man.

Agent: You won’t be when I call you.

2. There’s no doubt that advertising brings results. Yesterday we advertised for a security guard and last night we were robbed.

3. Do you ever file your nails?

No said the secretary. I just cut them off and throw them away.

Feel free to add some of your own at your convenience.

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4.

(Soldier) --- I proved to the enemy that this was no place for cowards.


(Officer) --- How did you do that?


(Soldier) --- I ran like hell!

5.

(Sergeant) --- Fire at will!

(Private) --- Which one is Will?

6.

(Prospective artist) --- I’d like to donate some of my paintings to a worthy charity.

(Director for Charities) --- How about the institute for the blind!

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7. When I was a boxer they called me Rembrandt because I was always on the canvas.

8. My uncle converted these cannibals to Catholicism, --- now on Fridays they only eat fishermen.

9. Wife --- Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a new dress.

Husband --- So that's where you find them.

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10. Sales clerk --- This computer will cut your workload by 50%

Customer --- I’ll take two of them.


11. (Judge) ---I’m sending you to jail for 3 months.

(Defendant) --- What’s the charge!!!

(Judge) --- There’s no charge. Everything is free.


12. (Judge) --- What possible reason could you have for acquitting this villain?

(Foreman of the Jury) --- Insanity your honor.

(Judge) --- What? All 12 of you?

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13. How did you learn to dance so well? Simple, when I grew up there were 9 kids in our family and only one washroom.

14. Our courtship was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious.

15. (Policeman) --- Why is one side of your car painted red and the other side painted blue?

(Driver) --- I like to hear the witnesses contradict each other.

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16. There were 11 of us in our family. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married.

17. I met my husband at a travel agency. I was looking for a holiday and he was the last resort.

18. We went to a topless bar only to find out that it had no roof.

19. She’s trying to diet and I’m dying to try it.

20. My wife and I have an agreement that we never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake for nearly six months.

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21, What is the last thing they do to a Tickle Me Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory? --- They give it two test tickles.

22. They call him “jigsaw.” Every time that he’s faced with a decision, he goes all to pieces,

23. (Wife) --- I’ve changed my mind.

(Husband) --- Thank goodness. Does this one work any better?

24. I’m in love with a beautiful girl but she doesn’t even know that I exist. What should I do? --- Show her your birth certificate.

That's all folks!! Why not add some of your own??