She says I am the reason...

[secret feelings]

I am a young manager. I took this job to better provide for my new child and have been having quite a hard time at it, what with the no past experience and virtually no support after what was the most uninformative training session ever.

It was alright though, because a woman whom I trust and used to babysit me when I was a kid works her too. She is 40years old now, still lives at home and has been working here for ten years. She offered to be my assistant manager to help me out.

We decided that we would do our very best for the store but never let our lives be ruined by it, and always understand that this job is an experience for us. Something that will help us grow, not break us. So I thought.

She left on vacation for months. I struggled alone. When she came back, she acted as if she were a mere child and I the grown up. She wouldn't help with anything unless I specifically laid out the plan for her. I never took days off, from two months after my baby was born I was back to work 60hours a week and breaking my spirit to put things in order.

On days when I needed her she would be no where in sight. Days I decided I NEED A BREAK! she too would disappear out of town and the store would be left alone, once there was a power failure and she was unreachable by the staff. I wold leave out simple tasks for her that she would never complete. Often I'd talk to her about it, and I'd get the same reply. You have to tell me what to do better...

So for a while I let it go, i accepted that she can only do a few things and left them to her while continuing to manage alone. She would side with employees and laugh with them about me. She crushed on a teenage employee and turned half the staff against each other as well as against one female employee she doesn't like. Finally it came to the point where the 'what's going on?' and lets try to do better' talks needed to be escalated. I was pregnant again and I will be going on maternity leave in a few months.

She told me that she has no intention of being the only one responsible for the store. She doesn't want the weight. She doesn't want the stress. She can't handle it. "I don't want to be the manager while you're gone."

... So Ive been training her for nearly two years for nothing, and now with a few short months left I have to start from scratch. Her reasons were valid. It's a waste of life, being a manager. She wouldn't have any time to do anything, like me. So I told her that I'm not mad, that I understand. She did agree to help out long enough that I don't have to worry after my first week of having a baby. But that was it.

She's 40, and lives with her parents, remember. She wants to have a job where she isn't required to do anything but can make money while she tries to get up the courage to go to school.

I love this woman. She took care of me when I was little, so I wanted to take care of her. I told her not to worry. I'll have to train someone else.

So i did. I didn't take away her office keys or passwords or anything, but I gave the only 2 duties she has handled to a new guy and have been working 80 hours a weeek ( and am dying of fatigue!!) training him on everything I know.

Just two days ago she and I are working alone together and she starts to cry. It's a long conversation but at the peek of it she bursts out

"You did this to me. My job stress has never been so high! I'm sad, I'm depressed, I hate my job, I hate my life, and I want to die!!"

...

It was a shock.

What the...?

I am the reason that a person I love wants to die. What kind of person am I? What am I doing wrong?

I wish she would just grow up and get away. She shouldn't be so pathetic at age 40! It's not my fault, go take care of yourself!!

...

I feel so bad.

[Obayan]

First off, you cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions/thoughts/words/decisions. You don't have that kind of power. Second, you can't "fix" someone else either.

It sounds like she's been doing what we are famous for, wearing a mask and keeping up appearances as best we can. Eventually that mask breaks and unfortuantely us with it.

It is her responsibility to make you aware of her situation when it interferes with her job performance as you are her direct supervisor. It is not her responsibility to talk to you as a friend if she chooses not to as well. You are not a mind reader and shouldn't be expected to one if her choice was to hide it instead of confront it. However, as a supervisor it is your responsibility to confront situations (no matter how difficult) when a job performance is not up to standards set by a clear and concise job description. Assuming that a job description complete with expectations was given.

Depression, anxiety... it's hard and painful and yes, shamefull. So many see it as weakness and failure that we go to great lengths to hide it. People begin to talk to us like we have a mental deficiency in the cognisent retention area or like it's contageous if they get too close. There are some who will actually physically damage themselves just to take that internal pain and make it into something that is real that we can see and watch heal. This is dangerous and habit forming though. There are so many better ways to deal with it.

All we can do as friends, is give support, compassion, understanding and a shoulder when needed. Urge them to seek counseling. Or even a crisis center if you fear they may harm themselves. And hope they seek out the help they need.

[shakirah]

It doesn't mean that she blame you about the things that happen to her you will get easily be affected. Give her some breaks and don't stress her with some other problems with the store.