abandoned and depressed

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

That's interesting about the PCP --- if your therapist had the same recommendation, that definitely screams loud-and-clear that he must be some kind of quack. I'd almost be willing to go with Dr. Gregory House --- LOL, although hopefully that would never be necessary! I understand your reasoning about the ER solution --- to be honest, that wouldn't be my first choice, either, but I think the first step would be changing your PCP since the one you have now is clearly not any help.

I never tried the chatroom, and I always thought it was more of a 1-on-1 deal, but I guess if 5,000 people tried all at once to get a live person, it wouldn't work. I will keep praying for you, too, because I know that will definitely help. If I may, I'd like to quote one verse for you: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed". That's from Psalm 34:18, and always a comforting reminder.

My day was better than yesterday, thank you for asking. You might not realize it, but you have been helping me quite a bit, already, Paula, and I thank you. I hate that we both have pain in both our lives from different sources/causes, but we are helping each other through it. I honestly don't feel that it's always me helping you, and quite honestly I'm not "keeping score" --- I just want you to feel better and I know you feel that way about me. That's all that counts --- that we want the other to have relief. Hey, are you going to upload a profile picture or avatar of some sort? You don't have to, of course, but was curious. Thanks about the book you're encouraging me to write --- if I ever do write one, I would certainly acknowledge my wife for her love, and to you for your encouragement

Thanks so much, Paula --- I really feel blessed knowing you (just wish the circumstances were happier).

Sincerely,
Eric

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

One other thing I wanted to ask is, does your employer offer EAP (employee assistance program)? I know you said you contacted your insurance company, but if they do offer EAP, it is a free service and can get you quicker relief with good solutions. If you're not sure, please check into it because it is offered by a lot of employers and is confidential, etc.

Sincerely,

Eric

[paulapjseven]

Eric,
Yeah, Dr. House-I like that show. Even he probably wouldn't be able to figure me out.

Ya know, I agree with everyone about my PCP and the need for me to switch, but like you, and I have mentioned, I hate change. I have been going to him for my whole adult life and honestly, I don't know if I have time to switch PC doctors before getting set up with someone for my depression. I have so many things going on, with the divorce, and trying to get pre-qualified to refinance my house so I can get my soon-to-be-ex's name off it. I am tired just thinking about it all. I feel overwhelmed with everything.

I'm not sure I even know how to put a picture in here Eric. I'm not too clever with that stuff. I had trouble enough trying to figure out how to read and write posts on here, LOL.

I am so happy to hear that your day at work was better than yesterday. I just hope each and every passing day is better than the last. You deserve the best in life, and I pray that all good things come to you Eric. Have a great night and a wonderful day tomorrow.

TTYL,
Paula[/quote]

[paulapjseven]

Hi Paula,

One other thing I wanted to ask is, does your employer offer EAP (employee assistance program)? I know you said you contacted your insurance company, but if they do offer EAP, it is a free service and can get you quicker relief with good solutions. If you're not sure, please check into it because it is offered by a lot of employers and is confidential, etc.

Sincerely,

Eric

We must have been writing at the same time, you snuck an extra message in. Ah, no we don't have anything like that. It sounds good, but actually I've never heard of that particular program. Is it something that is unique to your home state? Or is this a nationwide program?

[Eric0620]

Good Morning Paula,

No no --- if anyone is a lost cause, it's me! LOL. Yes, House is a great show --- I think I can identify with him in a lot of ways because of how he has no patience for a lot of people he deals with and is able to mouth-off at them when they flaunt their idiocy to him.

Do you have an HMO? I do myself, and recently had to switch to another PCP because the one I had retired. The good thing was that it was a smooth switchover to my new PCP and didn't have to start from scratch. He read my medical history, including my history of depression, and was up-to-speed very quickly. I know how you feel about change, as I have said I am the same way about it, but I guess you'll have to do some soul-searching about whether it's worth staying with him. I'm not trying to force you to change doctors, but just to give it some heart-felt thought only because, as I mentioned before, I'm looking from the outside looking in as a bystander and see him holding you back. I won't keep going on about it and I don't want to annoy you, but just something to think of.

That's okay about the picture --- didn't mean to be nosy; just was curious about you. Thanks about my day yesterday --- I wish yours would have been a lot better, and YOU really deserve the best in your life, especially with everything that has been dropped on you and has weighed you down with so much heartbreak. Hopefully a small sliver of hope is that you are cared for and prayed for that you will get through this, stronger than ever.

Yes, we did criss-cross in the cyber world last night for a moment! LOL. EAP is a common program offered by a lot of companies across the country and isn't state specific. I don't know where you work, of course, or what state you live in, but it's very common if you're not working for a "mom and pop" business. I used to work at CVS and they offered it there, and my employer also offers it. I've never actually called the hot-line number they offer to use it because of my psyciatrist and didn't feel it was necessary. But as it stands for, it's the Employee Assistance Program and is just that, and if you are lucky enough to have that offered where you work, you can call it and tell them what is going on, and they assist you completely with your needs. It's something you could find out if it's offered by going through your HR department --- if your company has it's own internal intranet website for employees you could look it up and see if it's available. I don't know if you would be comfortable or not asking a person directly where you work about it, but it's defnitely worth checking into.

Take care, Paula, and I'll talk to you later!

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Good morning Eric,
No, my insurance is a PPO. I don't even know what it means, but that is what it says on my card.
And I don't work for a big company, in fact it is only a small business and I work from home. But I'm lucky enough to be able to have insurance at all.I don't know what I'd do without it.
Oh no Eric, I don't think you are annoying me at all. I will think strongly about switching to another PCP. And you weren't being nosy about me not putting a picture on here. I didn't take it that way at all. I know you like to see 'who you are talking to'.
Let's hope today is better than yesterday was. How is your depression since your increased dose of medication? Any better? I hope you find something special in today's agenda. Will talk to you later.
Have a GREAT day,
Paula

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I've heard of PPO --- I just Googled it and it stands for "Preferred Provider Organizations". Going by the name, that's probably why you haven't had as much luck with providers --- HMO's probably (and I'm guessing here) have a larger "reach" for doctors out there than PPO does.

Glad I didn't ruffle your feathers! I'm feeling kind of down today, unfortunately. Just woke up that way --- I know you know what that's like, just one of those things that happens and there's no reason why I'm feeling that way other than the depression "sharpened its claws" overnight. So far my depression is the same. My doctor up-ed the dose on October 7th, and I'm guessing it will take several weeks to really get established in my system. I see him again next month to check my progress. Thanks so much for your concern --- it's really sweet of you to be concerned about my well-being! I'm not trying to send you any mixed/confusing signals or give you the wrong impression, but I think your soon-to-be-ex made a huge mistake letting someone special and caring like you go. His loss, since he couldn't appreciate that!

Thanks again, Paula, and I hope you have a great day, too!

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Good afternoon Eric,
I hope you don't mind me writing to you so much??? I like having a friend to "talk" to. I am sorry you are feeling down today. That's not good. What do you suppose is the reason for that? Any ideas? Did you get a good night's sleep? I know when I don't sleep much, I feel worse, on the verge of crying all day long. I don't know if it's the same for guys with depression or not.

Aw, shucks! That is nice of you to say that about my S-T-B-ex. I'll take that as a compliment. Thank-you. That, coupled with the fact that I lost 10 lbs. this week, not even trying, should put me right up there on cloud 9.

That makes sense about the PPO, HMO difference. It figures I'd have the crappy one.

Alright Eric, take it easy this afternoon. Don't work too hard. We'll talk later, that is if you don't mind.
Paula

[Eric0620]

Good Afternoon to you, Paula!!

I love hearing from you --- as a matter of fact if I don't hear from you for "a while", I'm thinking "hey, where's Paula, and I hope she's ok!". Please write as much as you want and as often as you want. I have honestly not been tired of hearing from you, and believe me - I love having you as a friend to talk to, also! You are part of what helps make me feel better about things. It's funny that we first "met" five days ago --- on Sunday.

I'm not sure what the reason is exactly for it today --- there are mood fluctuations I have, but today they've stayed lower than normal. I usually don't get "a lot" of sleep until the weekends, but this has been the norm and I'm doubtful that it's because of a lack of sleep. It's just my turn. We'll never know for sure, but I think depression of men and women probably feels the same; it's just how we got there that's the puzzler.

You're quite welcome, and I'm glad you do seem to be feeling better today --- I know you're not out of the woods yet, but it's great seeing/hearing you a little more upbeat, especially after what you've been dealing with. Yeah, that does bite about not having the HMO!

Thanks Paula, hope you have a great afternoon. Another hour and a half to go for me before I leave work. Of course, we'll talk later --- I always look forward to it! I like how this website gives "electronic hugs" with the parenteses around the person's name, so I have one for you:

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( PAULA )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Always,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Hi Eric,
I realized that very same thing today, that we met only 5 days ago. I remember Sunday well. I was feeling really rotten and you took the time to write to me with your support. I really want to thank you so very much. I know I have a long, long road ahead and probably will fall again and again. Hopefully I'll have more good days than bad instead of the other way around.

How was work today? Anything exciting happen? So you work for a big company do you? That's too bad you don't get much sleep during the week. I haven't been sleeping good and only getting like 4 hours a night and that's with 2 sleeping pills. I used to sleep pretty good, but not since I've been alone. I'll confess something to you if you don't laugh-I'm afraid of the dark. Don't think I'm a baby-I was scared really bad when I was young.

How come you can put them smilies on here-I can't get them to stick. They just come out like this , ,
What am I doing wrong?? Tell me.

Thank you for the great big hugs. I'm gonna try that.
(((((((((((((((ERIC)))))))))))))))))
Did you get them? Are you serious about them being electronic?? Or did you do it like I did and just type it in there.
Have a good evening Eric, I'll look forward to talking later.
Paula

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

You're quite welcome --- glad I was able to help in a small way. I hope you won't fall, but if you do all of us who are with you will help pick you up.

Work was ok, but got frustrating toward the end. That's ok, though, it's part of the job. Yes, it's a pretty large sized company. I'm usually out the door in the morning by 3:30 AM --- not that I have to, but there is so much I need to do and it's great having no one around for a few hours so I can work without the constant interruptions. Traffic is pretty light, too, so that's handy. I keep going with lots of coffee, though! The other day when I talked to my Mom about it (the coffee) she did as all Moms would do and saying "don't drink so much coffee because of your BP". But I had to respond that coffee without caffeine is like a truck without 4 wheel drive.

No, it's okay about about being afraid in the dark, and I don't think you're a baby! My 5-year old son is afraid of the dark and we have to reassure him that no monsters are going to get him. He doesn't even like going down the hall if he has to walk away from a lit room. Not sure why he is afraid of it --- he never had any scary experiences that I know of. About the smilies, all you should have to do is left-click (once) the one you want to add where the cursor is. It won't show the actual graphic until you're viewing the message. That should be it --- if that is exactly what you're doing, maybe it has to do with the web browser you're using (I'm using Internet Explorer). If you're using a different one, like FireFox, maybe it acts weird with it.

Yes, I got your hugs from you --- thank you!! I love getting those from you! Yes, I just typed it in and, well, I wish they weren't the electronic kind, but I guess it's the next best kind. If I don't talk to you again tonight, I'm certain I will tomorrow! ((((((((((((((( PAULA )))))))))))))))

Always,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Hi Eric,
That's ok if you don't get to write again tonight. I am feeling really strange tonight for some reason. I don't know what it is, but you know the feeling you get in your head when you stretch??? That is how my head feels. Kinda weird huh? It's almost an unsteady feeling. Maybe I'm just tired. Probably go to bed early.

Wow, leaving for work at 3:30 a.m.??? That would not be for me. I couldn't do that at all. So what time do you get out of work? You are lucky to still have your mom. I miss my mom so much, especially now when I really, really need her to be here for me. That's right about the caffeine-I can't stand coffee without it. They shouldn't even make decaffeinated coffee. It should be outlawed!

I see about the smilies-once you send the message, the smilies show up. I was kind of gullable about the electronic hugs Eric. I really thought you meant it did it automatically for you. I'm not blonde either!

Well, I guess I'll sign off now. Hope you have a good day at work tomorrow. Don't work too hard and be careful driving to work. Talk to you tomorrow.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Eric))))))))))))))))))))))))
TTYL,
Paula

[Eric0620]

Good Morning Paula,

Yeah, I dozed-off on my couch kind of early last night. Do you still have that feeling in your head, and does it seem "serious"? Hopefully sleeping on it took care of it. Please let me know.

I'm like my Dad in that sense --- he's an up-and-at 'em" kind of person, too. I'm sorry about your Mom (and Dad). I dread the day when mine are called home.

FYI, I sent you a message through this website --- it hasn't left the "Outbox" yet, but you should receive an Email notification when it arrives. You'll be able to click the hyperlink in the Email mesage itself to view it, and there's also a "message" hyperlink near the top of each webpage here.

Thanks for all your support for me, Paula --- it really means a lot. I feel better today than yesterday, and hope you're ok, too! Talk to you later!

Always,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Hi Eric,
Yes, I still feel funny. I don't know what it is. Probably I'm losing my mind . I am really sad this morning and I am having bad thoughts. I just don't think I can handle it anymore Eric.
I thought I was going to be ok, but now I'm not so sure. I don't really want to face the holidays that are coming.
I didnt check my email yet, but I will.
I hope you have a good day at work Eric.
TTYL
Paula

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I'm sorry it's still kind of bothering you. No, you are not losing your mind. I am so sorry you are feeling sad this morning. Do you know why that is, or is it like it was for me yesterday where there really wasn't any one reason for it?

If it helps, just envision me being there holding you against my shoulder because I care for you so much. Please try really hard to deflect the bad thoughts --- I sometimes have them, too, but as hard as it is we have to try to resist them. I know what you mean about the holidays --- I won't forget you during them and will be sure to contact you when they are here --- trust me!

The message I sent was concerning FB and whether we could "friend" each other if you are on there. The message contains my personal information on how to look me up if you do.

I'm with you, Paula --- I think about how you're doing often throughout the day. I'll keep checking throughout the day to see if you send anything new. Take care, Paula. ((((((((((( PAULA ))))))))))) ((((((((((( PAULA ))))))))))) ((((((((((( PAULA )))))))))))

Always,
Eric