abandoned and depressed

[paulapjseven]

My husband of 27 years left me suddenly without explanation, for another woman. I have been in therapy ever since for depression and I'm on antidepressants as well. I Also have Crohn's disease and that keeps me in pain alot of the time. I'm not sure if that is why he left me or not, because he wouldn't give me a reason other than he doesn't love me anymore. I was devastated when he told me that. He was seeing another woman and filed for divorce and that is close to being final. I am so down on myself and life in general and don't know if I can make it on my own.

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I am so sorry for all the pain you suffered! You didn't deserve any of that. It is so unforgivable when one someone hurts another person in that way. If he did leave you because of health problems, then he is only showing how shallow he is. I know that probably doesn't help you feel too much better, but whatever the reason was it was for selfish reasons and you deserve to loved by someone who is worthy of your love and would stay with you "for better or worse". I wish I had words that would take away the pain, but you certainly made the right decision coming here for support. Everyone here goes through pain of some sort and know exactly what depression does to us. Hang in there, Paula, and know that you are cared for and supported here.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Thank you Eric for your reply to my post. I know what you mean about my soon-to-be Ex being shallow if that is the reason why he left me,(because of my illness).
I just don't want to feel this terrible sadness anymore, it is so overwhelming. My doctor has tried me on 3 or 4 different anti-depressants so far. The current one is Effexor XL and it has driven my BP way up and given me headaches. I am now tapering off it so I can try another one. This has made me feel so much worse than I did before. If you know what I mean?
I'm not sure that I deserve anyone in my life right now, much less WANT anyone in it. I feel like such a failure in life.

[Eric0620]

You are so welcome, Paula. I've tried several over the years, and the one I came back to was called Amitriptyline, which is the generic of Elavil. I've been taking it for 23 years and I've been pleased overall with it, although my doctor is currently adjusting my dose since I've been relapsing, but again I feel it's a good one. Maybe ask your doctor about this one? It's an older antidepressant from the 1950's - 1960's, but still one used. It helps me sleep, too --- not to the point of making me feel like a zombie, but enough to make me sleep soundly.

I understand feelings of failure --- NOT that you are a failure, but just that I often have had it. That's the depression talking, though, and not the reality. It's ok if you don't want anyone right now --- it will definitely take time to build-up trust again before being comfortable to give your heart to whoever eventually wins it from you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

I will ask my doctor about that one Eric. I have to be careful that it's not something that interacts with my other medications. I take 24 pills everyday, for different things.
Do you go to therapy? I have a hard time telling my therapist my feelings. He says I keep too much inside and that's why it will take me longer to get feeling better. Last week, he asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts and I told him yes. He asked if I had written a note and I told him that I probably wouldn't leave one. And when he asked me if I had a plan and I wouldn't talk to him about it, he threatened to report to the authorities. I just sat there not talking to him.

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

Yes, since '88 I've been getting regular therapy and always will until I die. For a while my depression was "dormant" and I only needed to see him every 3 to 4 months. But since it started flaring-up into a moderate depression early this year I'm seeing him much more frequently.

I'm not sure I think much at all about him threatening to report it to authorities. He was probably "bluffing", but it's not like it was a crime being dealt with here, and couldn't have had you "locked away" in an institution. If he wanted you to open-up to him about your plan, that is that last way to go about helping someone --- with threats. I don't know --- I had a doctor I thought was a jerk for a couple reasons, and went with another doctor. The one I'm with now is absolutely great, and I've been seeing him for I'd say 15 years or more now. I don't know how completely comfortable you are with this doctor, but if you're not or are doubtful I'd suggest going with another, more compassionate one who doesn't rely on an iron fist to get people to open up. I don't want to plant seeds of doubt in you, but I think the first step to recovery from depression is being comfortable with your therapist.

I really hope this works out for you --- I'll be glad to keep listening and, if you want, offer any support I can.

Take care, Paula

Eric

[paulapjseven]

What is the reason for your depression? If you don't mind me asking? How old are you Eric?
Why is it that you are writing to me, trying to support me, when you are so depressed yourself?
I really do appreciate you talking with me about my problem. I wish I could be as positive as you seem to be, but I just feel there is no hope for me now.

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I'm more than happy to answer any questions you have --- there is a family history of depression. I have three older brothers, and I am the only one that got it, but my dad's father was depressed and suicidal, so it runs in my family.

I am 41 going on 42 next month. I came to this website because I'm going through depression again, and I'm being completely open with all of this with my wife. I feel that this is a good "outlet" for me and she also agrees. She is so wonderful and supportive and am truly blessed. I came here looking for support and want to be able to offer support to others who suffer, too. I am Christian and when this all started years ago, I would ask God "why am I being put through this!?" and I know now that part of it was that He wanted/needed to bring me down to the lowest levels of my life, NOT to be cruel, but so that I could try to help others later on in life that I was yet to meet who go through the same trials. It was really a humbling "aha" moment for me when I realized why He had/has me go through depression.

I have to admit that it's a new method of "self-therapy" in addition to the regular therapy I already receive. I have never belonged to any forums before I joined this one in the beginning of the month, but I feel that it can be a win-win getting support myself and me offering any support I can to others. I hope it doesn't seem too strange that I want to support others who hurt while I too am hurting. If we know we can lean on each other, it will really help lift our spirits and we won't feel as alone as we do.

I don't know if you saw it, but at the beginning of the month when I joined this website I posted a "My Battle Against Depression" blog here in the 'My Story' section like you did. It takes about 15 minutes and I go into every detail about what it has been like for me to experience depression, and maybe it's something that could be helpful to you and others.

Unfortunately I do have to go to bed now, although I am really enjoying talking with you! I usually have to go to bed "with the chickens" as they say, but will definitely keep checking back. Nice to meet you today, Paula!

Sincerely,

Eric

[paulapjseven]

I read your story Eric and I have to say, I am really impressed with the way you write. Have you ever thought about writing a book? I'm serious-you should. What do you do for a living? I cried about the part where you had talked to a therapist early on in your depression and weren't really heard or understood. I feel like I have always had some form of depression in my childhood and especially in high school. I was bullied and therefore withdrawn all through jr. high and into highschool also. At the time I didn't know I was depressed, just thought I was really angry and upset about the way I was treated. But when graduation came and went, I realized I wasn't going anywhere in life, didn't want to be around people and couldn't talk or open up to anyone, and I mean anyone. I couldn't even tell my parents about how I felt. I started writing about death and dieing, but never let anybody read the things I wrote. I gave myself 5 years to 'find someone' to love, or I would exit this earth at my own hand. I even got my hunting license, so that my Dad would show me how to use a gun. Three and a half years after graduation, I met this guy and we hit it off right away. My days got happier, I couldn't wait to see him each night. Eventually we married and I was so happy, I hardly ever was depressed until he left me. Now, I think of nothing else but death. Anyway, my therapist tells me that it is the law that if someone is planning suicide, he has to report it. Do you know if that's true? Sorry to ramble on. How come you are the only one on here that has a picture?

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

Thanks --- no, I've never written a book and really don't have a desire to, but thanks for the complement! I'm a software developer --- always liked working with computers, and part of it is because I don't have to be in the spotlight, and doing work "in the background" is definitely more suitable to me. Yes, school was a miserable time for me, too. I was absolutely miserable, and I keep getting told by people that "I should go" to my class reunions, but I just don't have any desire to --- I'm not a snob; I just don't feel like seeing some of the people that helped make me miserable. I'm sure they are all grown-up now and aren't anything like they were back then, but I just prefer to leave that chapter of my life in the past where it belongs. Please try to hang in there, and please promise you won't hurt yourself. It's hard waiting for mr. or miss right, and waiting for miss right in high school was part of what depressed me because I was unlucky at love back then. I honestly don't know about whether or not it's a law --- you could probably Google that and see what they say state-by-state. LOL --- I remember when the Sopranos first aired that the therapist talking to Tony Soprano said, in reference to his "Waste Management" line-of-work, that she would have to report any disclosed crime he confesses to during their therapies. Again, I don't know, but am kind of skeptical.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

I feel the same exact way you do about High School reunions. I have never been to one and don't intend to. I wouldn't even go to a family reunion if there was one, so I certainly wouldn't go to a school one.
You didn't answer me about the picture. I think you are the only person on here that has one-how come? I think that is why I chose you to bother about my problem.
I can't promise that I won't hurt myself. I know I am feeling bad enough so that I CAN do it. I already know how, I just don't know when. I hurt so bad, that I can't stand it. The only emotion I have now is sadness. I failed at the most important thing in my life-my marriage is over. All my memories and photos of us together in the past are just such a waste now. I don't want to see anyone, and I don't want to do anything. I feel like such a loser.

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I know as far as the picture everyone usually uploads an avatar they feel represents them accurately. For myself, I just chose to reveal what I really look like --- NOT that I'm full of myself, because believe me that is the last thing I am. I guess maybe people might feel more of a connection if they see who I am. Whenever I hear someone on the radio that I listen to regularly I just "have to know" what they look like.

I still hope and pray you will not hurt yourself. You probably haven't heard it enough from people, but you are important and cared for, at least by me. I don't have any idea why your husband did such a cruel thing to you and left you like he did. I know you must be tyranizing yourself wondering why he did that, but I just want to ask in a sincere and caring way if you ever considered that HE is the problem; NOT YOU! No one just abruptly leaves a relationship like that without something else underhanded going on. I've never had that kind of pain before, but as a bystander looking from the outside in, I feeling completely comfortable saying that the problem is him and that because of how he was determined to do what he did that there wasn't anything you could do to stop it. I know it hurts deeply, but you WILL MAKE IT --- I sincerely believe that and in you. You are NOT a loser --- if I may say so without it hurting you, HE is the loser.

As I said before, I will continue to pray for you and that your pain eases quickly.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Eric,
You are right, I don't hear that from others, because I don't have anyone. My mom and dad have passed. They were both in their early 60's when they died.
You are just being nice.
He must have left me because of something I did or something he didn't like about me anymore, something, because he left me. Nobody has ever told me before "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!" He ripped my heart out by the roots and it can't be fixed. Something changed because he used to love me. Evidently I wasn't good enough for him anymore. I just can't believe he was fooling around on me and I didn't know about it.
I want to thank you for talking to me- Your wife is a lucky woman.

[Eric0620]

Lots and lots of hugs for you, Paula. Yes, you are right that something changed --- his dignity and black heart. When professing to the world love for one another at a wedding, it's not suppose to be lip service. You professed with a sincere and loving heart that you were in it for better or worse, but sadly he gave lip service. Yes, he deeply hurt you and had no right to do that and inflict such pain on you, and he simply doesn't deserve someone who had a deep love for him. I know that's difficult for you to believe and I assure you I'm not being nice or polite; but am just telling the truth. If I felt there was "something about you" I would probably be defending him --- subtly even, but I haven't once. He hurt you and it's a matter of time before he "moves on" from the woman he is with now. I wish I could help you believe the reality of that. Remember, he stayed with you for 27 years of marriage (not 27 days, etc.), so that says something positive right there about you. I won't give up on letting you know you are special, you ARE lovable, you have a lot of love to offer, and one day you will find that special someone who will love you for you as it should be. It's hard being patient waiting, waiting for love and relief from your pain, but it will happen and you will look back on this as a wrinkle in your life.

Thanks for your complement for me about my wife. We'll talk more tomorrow. Sleep tight!

Sincerely,

Eric

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

Just wanted to say hi and hope you're doing ok --- hadn't heard from you yet today and was a little concerned. Please write when you have time.

Sincerely,
Eric