i feel down and it sucks

Feelings and emotions regarding depression, anxiety and other health issues.

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i feel down and it sucks

Postby jackksonz » Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:41 pm

its been 3 days since my ex girlfriend broke up with me ..
im still finding it hard to cope with things, i have read heaps of online help about break ups and broken hearts and at one point i felt really good and wasnt hurting as much , then this morning woke up and felt the pain all over again ...
the thing i cant get over is that this is the second time she has done this to me .. she left me 2 years ago and went with another man .. and the break up was messy and hard to deal with as i have said in my other post .. my friend well actully mine and my exs friend had rang me up about 3 months ago asking if she could give my number to my ex as she was back home and broken up with her partner and really wanted to get back with me .. why did i agree to give my number ? i wish i could take it back and never have let her give my number ... but my ex had assured our friend that she was coming back for the right reasons, that she wasnt out to hurt me again ..
the first night we caught up i was happy and willing to take things slow, beliving well trying to make myself belive that there is no way this girl can hurt me ever again no matter what she did, before you no it everything was full on and she was staying with me everynight/day for about 3 weeks, it was like she had never let me and things had gone back to the way they used to be, i had my baby back,
but what happend 3 months later she has left me, she said that it is not fair on me and i deserve better {as she is going through some pain herself with her nanna dying} but i had told her that i would do anything and everything, that i didnt mind weather or not it was fair on me, that i love you so much ill do what ever it takes ..
in saying that there was quite a few sgins that things wernt going to work, text messages from other guys on her phone, her wanting to go to partys with these guys without me, i had told her that i had some truse issues and fair enough but that it was going to take time for me to be able to trust her,
i feel like a fool, i feel used, and i feel heart broken, she was the love of my life and i would have done anything for her,
i dont want to feel like this anymore it hurts real bad, i no that time will heal as it has in the past but this doesnt make things any eayser,
i keep thinking maby i could have done something more to make it work, keep thinking of all the good times we had recently, and i just want her back,
i wish i didnt feel like this and could just move on and not worry but i can.
why did i allow her to come back into my life and hurt me again ? ??


Postby Ahorse » Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:43 am

Why did you allow her back in again?

Your question for you really, no one else can say. The simple answer is you like her and you decided to trust her, again.

Bad news, she did it again and did it to the guy she left you for the first time. Learn, she doesn't know what she wants and you are not the person to carry her until she knows. You need certainty and trust. If those qualities haven't been destroyed by her for you and any other partner.

Time will heal the wounds but learn from it. Don't run your life by it but learn that trust must be earnt, not just given.

She's told you she's no good for you, forget her as soon as you can. Don't brood any more than you must. A couple of weeks is more than enought else it becomes depression and that you don't need. If you think feeling down sucks, depression magnifies that by multiples we probably can't count. It's hell. Hopefully you don't have it yet.

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Postby shatteredhopes » Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:02 pm

Oh, I so identify with break up woes. A book I highly recommend is "How to fall out of love" by Dr. Debra Phillips. Its not a panacea but helps a whole lot. It uses a behavior modification approach, for instance, thought stopping...you train yourself through techniques in the book to think about the person less and less and the less you think about them the less time you are feeling the pain. It will help you change the way you think about them too. You can find the book online or maybe at the library, its a pretty inexpensive paperback.

My heart goes out to you. Love sometimes makes us trust those we shouldn't, and it can sometimes compound hurt when we beat ourselves up for putting up with what we shouldn't have or letting them back in our lives when we know better. Forgive yourself. That's first I would think. You took a chance on love, which is a good thing, and you learned from it. I hope you get that book. If for any reason you can't let me know and I'll post some of the techniques from it here for you, but you'd be better off with the book my friend.

Wishing you light and peace and a taste of joy in your day. Sending warm thoughts and big hugs.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving


Postby Ahorse » Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:01 pm

Hi again,

Shattered, something you wrote is oh so true.

"Love makes us trust those we shouldn't".

That is the real killer as far as I was concerned. The trust was just given, believing in love and I married her, had kids etc so the trust was complete.

Then, after 14 years, she changed her mind and decided she didn't need me. Truly I thought she'd lost her mind as overnight she was no longer the person she had been and I could not deal with it.

Yes, trust was destroyed and has never really returned. Even in my current 19 year relationship I still expect the same thing to happen again. Not all the time, just when I get down.

It's a killer. Very well said.

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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:29 pm

((((((((((Ahorse)))))))) Thank you and thank you for your supportive post. I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. I understand what it is not to be able to trust again, especially when down. Even with friendships, after facing a series of betrayals, now I keep mostly to myself. I get very lonely sometimes, but I would rather that than be hurt like that again. I took a chance on a friendship with someone I met from the chatroom here and so far it has been very helpful in getting me to start to trust again and to feel someone really cares about me, and accepts me despite my illness.

My ex-boyfriend put me through a lot, but he was very ill. I shouldn't have put up with some of it and should have walked away, but was madly in love, and also put the sort of pressure on myself that I wouldn't leave someone for cancer, why would I leave someone for mental illness? But no one should have to put up with mistreatment. Having been a domestic violence victim in my youth and problems with my ex-husband including him trying to murder me, I waited almost a decade after the divorce before I took a chance on love again, and I knew better, but repeated some of the same mistakes in putting up with mistreatment.

Ultimately I have concluded it takes a lot of courage to take a chance on people, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up but commend ourselves for our bravery, learn from it, and move on. Most find breakups hard, but for those of us with depression it can be crippling. So moving on is much easier said than done, I know well.

I congratulate you for your long term relationship, despite mental illness. That shows you are doing something very right. Your partner must love you very much to be with you that long, knowing we aren't always the most pleasant people to deal with when we suffer depression or other mental illnesses.

Wishing you light and peace in your day.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving


Postby Ahorse » Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:10 am

Hey again Shattered,

Yeah it's a bad thing to have to be defensive and protective all the time but I am. I too isolate, a lot. I go to the docs and I take my daughter to school but that's it. I have no real interests in other things these days so I'm OK with that.

I have my partner and our youngest duaghter, 17 at home for company. Plus the partner's friends and family so I'm fine with that. I have 3 other adult children too.

I used to have itchy feet. Travelled all the time really. I hitchhiked around Australia by myself back in 1970, 12,000 miles, on $20. Stopped and worked a bit here and there. That's where my eldest daughter came from. I didn't know and moved on but found her Mum again in 92, my current partner. So my eldest and youngest are both hers.

I moved around with the family when I was a kid too, seeing new cities and places, usually for long periods in each location.

Then in my second last job I travelled Australia for work, training people in every capital and major centre of our country. 12 months, usually 3 weeks away, a week at home. It was fantastic as we had a team of about 20 and mixed and matched for each trip.

In 73 I travelled the world with my ex dragon too. Great experience, eye opening and made me realise where the best country was, here.

When my last big crash happened I had to be moved from that city as it was a work related problem. Took about a year to build up but one day I knew if I stayed another minute someone was going out the window and I really didn't care who. The boss or me. SO I left and have never recovered from what took place during that year and the year after where I was maltreated by docs.

Try this. The GP I was seeing I thought was OK. She referred me to a shrink who said immediately he'd fix it for me, the D. A year later I was homicidal most of the time and suicidal the rest so the company had our family moved to another city of our choice. It felt like home soon as we found our house and that's where I live mostly.

I'm happy being here, alone or with my family. This is why I keep telling people they must learn to know themselves and draw strength from in. Because it won't come from anywhere else.

That shrink was a horror show but I didn't find out the truth till I'd left that city. He apparently fled to the UK following rape charges. He'd raped a 15 year old patient on his desk, opposite where I had to sit when I was there.

I knew none of that but the GP did when she referred me. She's lucky I had moved.

SO trust has been broken for me on every level. Car accident at 10, lost family and survivors apparently didn't want to talk, ever. That's where it started.

Then the marriage breakup and then the work nightmare. That year got so bad, I had 35 staff, that my staff started accusing me of being a part of "IT", the rumoured pending action. I could not believe it, so trust of 3 years with staff was gone too.

Every friend I had that I've since got in touch with has run for their lives when depression is mentioned. Surprised? I think not.

Every member of my birth family I have eventually told to P or F off as I finally found that any time I had contact with them I felt dreadful later. So I dumped them, rudely to make sure. So I can be the "bad" boy to talk about. Happy with that as the relief has been palpable. But, each one has broken my trust you see. All of them.

The last was my father, he should have been first, but when I arrived here after a year of no antidepressants under that madman my new shrink initially said I might be BP. I confided that to my father and then shortly after heard from people there where he lived that he told them all about it. With relief they said. You see he thought it would now be seen as genetic and therefore he wasn't responsible. I told him that's not a father's action along with a lot more.

No, trust is not a word I use often as in giving it. Yet I have to say I'm always open to friendships online and I give and take trust there as what can happen if you don't know each other? Some people I've had contact with for longish periods eventually turned nasty but mostly people just drift away. I usually only talk to other depressed people you see as they "know".

So I still approach new people with that attitude of giving them a chance but it's up to them to make a move in real life, I won't risk it.

I'm glad you are getting on well with someone from this site, it makes a hell of a difference doesn't it? Imagine when there was no internet!!! Totally alone back then. Wow, we are so lucky really.

Yes, we never stop learning. Sometimes it seems like we have finished but we haven't. Always new things.

Hope your confidence comes back in time and you find someone you want to be with that returns your feelings. But do work on your own abilities and explore your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, strenghts and weaknesses.

You know why I say that mostly? Because depression does all that. It knows everything about us, where to poke and prod and how to hurt. How? Because it's our mind doing it. So learning all that consciously puts you at an advantage so that when the D starts doing X or Y then you know why that is happening and can stop it or just ignore it.

Best and have some fun when you can.

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