Notes/Letters

[crystalgaze]

There were a few ups & downs, in trying to achieve understanding.... (Jeez, I didn't realize communication could be so hard.... )

I will hold off on the term soulmate..... What I will say is that I feel I have support--a true friend maybe. We go out; we help each other; we talk; we laugh; we argue/fight; we defeat the bugs together sometimes....

All I can say is I'm grateful for someone so nearby!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Crystal )))))))))))))))

And I am happy you have that someone as well. Good for you.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

I believe I can finally share what has been going on lately.

The person I was with before (& I am using 'with' in a loose sense of the word) has not taken my leaving very well.

I left, not only because I met someone else & wanted to pursue that but also because being 'together' was a mini hell. I loved him & I figured that he would 'wake up' 1 day. It didn't happen, & he didn't treat me any better. Some time in December, I left; I had been waiting for him to realize what he was doing wrong for about 9 months. I spoke to him about it; I asked him to do differently several times & no consistent improvement came.

It wasn't all bad, but he didn't have a lot of time for me. Did I say a lot? Actually, I meant close to NO time for me at all. I had to end the relationship using a text because he was that unavailable. After I sent that message, he didn't even respond immediately (not like I care because by that time I just wanted out of the situation). In the beginning & as time passed, I asked for what I wanted, just in the event he hadn't known. Things would be good for about a few days or a week or 2 & then back again to the same old, same old that I didn't like.

Needless to say, things soured & continued to sour. There weren't too many fights or anything; I was just unhappy. I wasn't able to enjoy myself really--even down to lovemaking. For example, after a while, it didn't seem like he bothered to try to make sure I was pleased anymore, which left me in a state of withdrawal & feeling a way. (I had sex but was not satisfied. To me, that is one of the worst feelings to have.) That state of withdrawal prompted me to do some things I am not very proud of in this life.

The other day I picked up the phone, & we spoke--with him finally asking me why I left. Somewhere in the conversation, he asked me to come to his funeral if I should see his obituary in the newspaper anytime soon. He attempted suicide in the past before meeting me, & hearing the statement he made about going to his funeral from him, along with how he sounded from the beginning of the conversation to that point, I went to see him. I ended up being emotional & we kissed twice. Since that time, I have avoided him.

In going to see him in the 1st place, I took a great risk already. (He could have killed me or something. I don't know him to be like that but when emotions are in the mix, anything can happen.) My current boyfriend knows the situation & I've already told him that I will use my body as a shield if I must to protect him, in the event he & my previous man ever meet with me present (in the event of some kind of brawl). Unfortunately for me, the situation with my previous man has already caused statics between me & my current man.

My previous man thinks that I want him in THAT way, but while I do love him still, I know that I have to preserve myself. (It WILL NOT get any better & nothing is going to be different. He may even try to spite me in some kind of way, if I go back to him.)

He has been drinking & getting drunk every night. I was going to stop talking to him entirely, so that he will not think I want to be with him. (My new phone from a different service provider is in the mail, as I write this post.) However, when I spoke with him today, he told me he had passed by where I lived & saw that I was not home. I do NOT usually have people inside where I live because it is not mine & also due to wanting to have a sanctuary I can retreat to from the outside world.

Had I not spoken with him, I would not have known that he has been passing by where I live. I guess now, I've got a stalker on my hands....

I could be depressed about this, but I will handle it & gracefully at that too. That's what I told myself, so that's what I'm going to do.

This situation is a 1st for me, so I am just trying to think up better ways to cope.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( Crystal )))))))))))))

If your current man is what you want, the only thing I know to say is keep a good distants between you and the first.

Seems the new one makes you happy, isn't that what matters?

Just thinking out loud, not trying to hurt.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

Yes, Warmie. I know you don't mean it in any kind of way.

The problem is that the 1st is coming to me. From what he said, it is as though he is stalking me/the house.... I could come home one night & he's out in the bush, waiting to grab me or something.... That's really what I'm concerned about at this point.

Again, I will think up ways to avoid harm. Hopefully, it won't get to the point of having to call in the police & ask for a restraining order.

[crystalgaze]

I have realized different things about myself. Just thought I would share. Maybe it might help someone else.


1. I can't love a man who can't take care of me (especially if he's older).
2. With a man my age, I am more willing to work on building resources.
3. I will tend to be unable to "commit" to a man when he doesn't have the means to take care of me & doesn't look like he will get it in the near future.

Note: I am all for taking care of myself & working toward that goal. However, I want a man/someone who can bring something, & a good bit of something at that, to the table.

The reason I feel the way I do, regarding older men: What were they doing with their lives?!

4. When a man can't provide, particularly an older man, it causes me anxiety.

I find I get turned off and irked quite quickly.

5. I am quite amazed with men who don't have anything to offer but yet who feel that the woman should sit there & put up with them & don't look for a better situation.

***The reason I talk about older men in particular is that most times it is an older man who approaches me.

No, I don't hate men. The situations I have been seeing lately are disturbing.[/i]

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( Crystal ))))))))))))))

Believing in yourself, maintaining things for yourself is an honorable thing.

The rest of life will eventually fall into place, I believe.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

I am debating what to do with the current one. My mind tells me to walk away & do it now. The only issue is I might be (*p or +1), but even if I am, I am still thinking about going my way. There's so much--maybe even too much--I end up doing & it is taxing on me, as much as I try not to take it on at all.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( Crystal )))))))))))))

Don't know whether to say, "Oh Dear" or "congrats". Please do take care of yourself, and know we are here for you.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

I can announce it now. The last person I was around was removed from my life. No, he did not die, but his life ended as mine just began (again).

What I mean is: On my 1st day of work--just as I was getting dressed to go-- was the day I received the ominous phone call. I had called him all afternoon the previous day & didn't get him, which I found to be strange. Then, I continued calling all night, at least 1 phone call per hour or so. I even went out to where he lived, & an odd picture stood before my eyes.

The windows were open; music was blaring in the house; and clothes were still outside on the fence. He neither leaves the windows open nor leaves his belongings out at night.

I said to myself, "Something is wrong." He told me he would call me throughout the day & he usually does not do contrary to what he is going to do.

While I was glad to hear his voice that morning and glad to know he did not die, the news was not good. He was arrested (theft or what is known as larceny in law), and it was grand larceny.

That is the 1st time I've ever gone through a situation like that one.

Bail was in the thousands of dollars, & he actually called me to "come down to the court and sign a paper", which I did not do as it was too great of a risk to myself. I was not present & didn't see anything happen; I couldn't know anything with any certainty.

Before all of this happened, I LEFT--because my mind had told me to LEAVE. We still talked, but I had not been around him as much.

The entire situation that unfolded made me wonder as to the kind of person he really is/was.

In all the time I was around, up to even just a few days before this all happened, a question that constantly came up nearly every week for 3.5 months was: "If you are to be with any woman, how will you support her & your child, if you have one?"

As much as he never really told me anything about how he stayed afloat, I really did not expect him to be in jail. The kind of answer he gave always skirted the question. I had just told him my parents' and my own concerns about us having a life together.

It was heartbreaking. After I left, he asked to see me (in a public place). After I got there & we spoke, he asked me: "So can we continue?" We went out to the rainforest to watch the trees (with the air plants hanging in them). Out there, he asked me: "Do you think I could settle down with you someday?" (Gosh, now that I think of it, that might have been his way of actually proposing to me & I didn't even realize it.)

Shortly thereafter, that's when everything I mentioned above occurred.

As heartbreaking as it was, I have not cried about anything. However, I did start taking my heart medicine. It has been more of a mental/inward hysteria than any type of outward manifestation. Maybe I've gone numb. I have been putting my lavender oil on my aromastone; it has been seriously helping me to sleep, when I feel so on edge & too hyper to sleep.

The oddest thing in all of this is that the previous person I was with would always talk to me about things. He'd say: Don't go out and get pregnant. (In other words, make sure you protect yourself.) etc. etc. etc. etc. He stood by me, even though there was nothing in it for him.

Another man I encountered said something to the effect of: "A lot of people thought I was gay because I was not with a woman or did not care for the women the people brought me. (matchmaking) However, I wanted to really get to know the kind of person I was really with, so I would not have to apply for a divorce later down the line." He had also asked me if the last person in my life was my husband; I had found it to be an odd question because I'm pretty sure he had already looked at my hands and saw that I was unmarried.

The man really had no reason to talk to me about anything of this nature, but he did. Perhaps, he's a guardian angel.... I don't know. I am way too innocent. I see enough just to move out of the path of a steam roller, but this last one was way too close for comfort. I almost always see the good in people & people I don't get a good vibe from, I just simply stay away from them.

One of my classmates I had seen asked me what I thought was an odd question. When she saw me, she said: "Is he your friend?" My reply was: "Yes." She just said, "Oh, okay...." Her tone wasn't strange. Her face didn't show any sign of anything, but what I thought was odd was the fact that she actually asked me that question. No one has ever asked me a question like that in my life of anyone I was around/hanging out with at all.

I had had more questions than answers more than anything else. ....then came big reveal. I nearly got dragged down over something that wasn't even about my own life. It looks like I will have to start running a background check on everyone I encounter now.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( crystalgaze ))))))))))))))))

A lesson well learned by you it seems. You must keep what you feel is best for you, first in thoughts. If not happy with yourself, how can you be happy for another? Just a thought.

It isn't easy, to let go at times, but we seem to find the path eventually.

Good luck hon! Thoughts with you.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

Well.... Something has been a little troubling. A man I know seems to be asking for my hand in marriage.... It is a little weird for me.

Personally, I feel I don't know him well enough for any of that. (Also working in a bridal store has been starting to eat away at my resolve.)

[crystalgaze]

I'm still trying to figure out various things about different scenarios I see out in the world....

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( crystalgaze ))))))))))))))))))

Don't give up, know you will get it sorted.

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

I'm doing my best....

It's just.... "WHOA.... WHAT IS THAT?!"


I swear I don't know what I got myself into this time.... Umm..... My Dad found a guy for me.... It's a sort of first....

What am I supposed to do with that?! Oh man.... Oh girl.... Oh my word!!

Well.... My Dad has been seeing me in situations that he doesn't like for me. For example, what he didn't like about the guys he knows I was seeing is that they don't have steady jobs & most likely can't take care of me. He may also not have liked their lifestyles or situations.

& so.... that's why he brought me one--at least that I could talk with & find out where his head is. He works & is very pleasant + professional. I saw him & he's handsome--maybe a little more than I bargained for because my nerves were shot being around him.

It's a very jokey situation. The day I saw him, all I did was look at him from where I was & he came from behind the counter near me--walking one way to my right side, then passing behind me to my left side & retracing the route. I was like, "HUH?!" (My Dad had said I would come in & we would be introduced.)

I was near unable to keep my composure, smiling to myself & biting my lip a little bit.... There are a few red flags from what my Dad said already, but it might not be that serious. I don't think I want anything permanent right now, mainly because I am not where I want to be in my life, especially when it comes to employment.

My Dad said that he's not telling me to date the guy exactly. He just wanted me to see him & then make my own judgment. He said he doesn't want me to limit my options, just yet.

I would like to meet the guy..... It is a very very odd situation. (He has the same 1st name as my mentor's husband!! His name starts with the same letter as my current boyfriend I can't commit to right now.)

(With the current one, I can be with him & all of that, but he wants me to himself when he doesn't have a steady job. In short, he is unable to help me with what I need at the moment--at least half of the total cost: gas for the car, since I always drive to see him because he doesn't have a vehicle or p-tests to make sure that I am not unaware of pregnancy. I am happy for what he does, but I need more than that if I am to not look at other men. I have been very unhappy of late, due to the situation.)

My mind also keeps going back to a confrontation my current man & I had. He was very upset with me for my actions, which I was clearly wrong. It's just that it replays in my head how I was just trying to grab my things & get away from him, struggling with him & being frightened out of my wits.... Let's just say we were wrestling, but wrestling when I didn't expect to be doing so. I could have had many broken bones from it (including my hand, wrist, arm to my leg). His point to me was: "Someone else would have killed you."

I was not being faithful to him & he felt like I was playing him for a fool, WHICH I WAS NOT DOING, as much as it looked like it. It just so happened that I was trying to figure out what/who I wanted in my life & could not decide at that point. Unfortunately, I still don't believe I have found what it is I want yet out of a significant other & I am not sure I will find it either (because right now I don't have a clear picture of what that something is)..... It is annoying to be in such a state. Since that time, I have been able to be with just 1 person at a time, finally able to overcome the tendency.

In the back of my head, though, I think I fear my current boyfriend, although he has been nothing but kind before & after the incident I described. I have been doing my best to get away & stay away, however, I need more of a plan at the moment. Garden & think.... Or tend to the house & think.... Or tend to myself (e.g. finding a job, losing weight, etc.) & think.... That's it. I know something will drop on my head. My ex whom it slipped out to while we were talking recently said to me.... "Don't allow anyone to be roughing you up or anything like that." He went on to say: "There is no reason for a man to put his hands on a woman." (except for caressing & stuff like that...)

I am so used to being free to talk to whom I want or be around whom I want--which is not often to begin with--that now that I am with my current man, I feel so stifled.... I am still piecing the situation together because I know I'm missing something very important. I've seen a lot but there is something I haven't realized (& it's bugging me out, since I'm so close to it dawning on me).

I know I will find my way..... It has just been a lot to digest.... (Oops, this one was extra long.)