truly TL;DR

[anonymous1212]

I want to go into as much detail with this as possible, as I believe the way I feel is too deeply rooted, and not tied to any one specific thing.

First, I'll start with my current situation. I'm a 23 year old male with little job experience who works part-time serving tables. I still live with my dad, and my sister who only stays here a few days out of the week to watch her son before he goes back to his dad's.

I don't have any real history of mental or physical abuse. I'm the middle child out of five. I was raised into a strong protestant belief system (think something similar to the families seen in "Jesus Camp" for those who have seen it). I was homeschooled until 7th grade for fear that I might learn of things such as evolution. I lived a very sheltered life, which in my opinion has made it very hard for me to socialize with others, even to this day.

While I was in 8th grade and early into high school, my parents had a very rocky relationship. My dad was a police officer, and my mom was a stay at home mom. My mom also had bouts with alcoholism, and I think still might struggle with it to this day, if not as severely as it used to be. My dad has always been a very controlling person. This, among other things (I'm sure) caused my mom to have an affair (or numerous, if what my dad sometimes says is true). Eventually, by the time of my senior year, they decided to get a divorce. This relationship my parents shared during a very poignant time in my development I believe has stunted me in some way. I know other people cope with this kind of stuff all the time, but I have always been the type of person to bottle up all of my negative emotions.

My late brother, the first child of our family, didn't get to experience public school until his senior year in high school. I think this, in a big way, caused him to become addicted to drugs and eventually kill himself. My brother is a large part of why I am depressed as well, I believe. He and my father became estranged because of his use of drugs, and this only seemed to make him more determined to remain on a path of self destruction. When he needed help the most, my family abandoned him. He moved to California where he took many drugs, and eventually he moved back in with my dad because no one he knew in California wanted him there either. Eventually he got kicked out of my house again, and this repeated multiple times until eventually he died in a homeless shelter of a morphine overdose. My brother unofficially had schizophrenia, and I believe many other mental illnesses that could have been treated at a much earlier age.

My second brother embraced our protestant lifestyle and is currently the most productive member of our family, in my opinion. He did well in school, went to college and now has a good job. He goes to church and is generally a normal member of society.

My younger sister, on the other hand, seemed to go down the path of debauchery as well. Back in high school she was the type of person to go to raves and experiment with extacy and acid and things of the sort. This lifestyle lead to her having an unwanted child, whom she almost gave up for adoption until his mormom father (moreso his parents) interceded and demanded a paternity test. She's currently going to community college with no degree path and no job. She's barely able to support her kid, only sees him on the few days she's here at the house, yet she still manages to go downtown and booze it up every weekend.

My youngest brother still has potential to break the apparent cycle of self destruction my family has been spiraling down. He is still in high school, his junior year, and he is the only child in this family to have experienced public elementary school, which I believe is vital in developing a child's social skills. He gets good grades, despite how much weed he smokes. He has friends and a girlfriend and seems well rounded enough.

As for me, I didn't cope too well with the divorce. During the end of my senior year (when the divorce actually became an official thing), I hid behind my bed so I could sleep in and skip school. This became a daily thing and eventually my grades dropped so low that I dropped out of high school. I was so depressed, I felt like life was a hopeless oblivion. I didn't go back to finish high school until I was 20. I have very little job experience, my first job being when I was about 19. My current job sucks, and I suck at it due to horrible social skills. My brother's suicide three years ago also contributed to my despair. I feel like i have nothing worthwhile to offer to society, and I really do believe I'm correct in that assumption. I can be very vacant minded at times. I didn't even get good grades in high school. I don't even know when or where my depression began, but it's been with me for a long time. I've never been to a psychiatrist so it isn't actually official though.

My mind has been plagued with thoughts of suicide daily for as far back as I can remember. But I know I could never muster up the gall to actually kill myself. I have a high aversion to pain, so anything short of shooting myself would be too extreme. So I have this conundrum: I don't want to live, I want very much so to die, but I do not want to kill myself either. So I'm stuck in this state of helplessness. It's affecting my performance at my crappy job. I don't really have any friends and I'm not really close to anyone in my family. I'm not really close enough to anyone to talk to them about this kind of stuff. I'm a huge loner and that depresses me even more. I haven't had physical contact with a woman for 5 years. I'm a pretty sorry excuse for a human being, and I believe that I am ultimately the product of fundamental Christian values, ie. I should have been aborted.

I can't quit my job because I'm afraid of becoming homeless like my brother. But I also feel like that's the only thing I deserve, as I have been a leech off of my dad for the past half decade. I don't really know how to deal with this as it has become practically crippling to me. I have nothing to offer, and I have nothing to live for...so, what is there to live for?

[crystalgaze]

Hi there! Welcome.... I would just like to say to you that you are NOT worthless.

Now, what I would like to ask you is: How did you get there to that point where you are now telling yourself you have nothing to offer & are worthless?

It's causing you pain & it's not working.... Can you try telling yourself something different?

Be careful with your thoughts & what you are telling yourself. Also, be kind to yourself.... Be kind.... It won't hurt you to be kind to yourself.

If you continue to tear yourself down, you won't get anywhere.

Start by changing your assumptions. (Those things can work against you.) You won't get anywhere doing the same things you have done. You have seen for yourself that it is not working.

Instead of 'I should have been aborted', how about: I was meant to live!

You don't have to be stuck in your current situation or stuck in a negative forever. You already proved that to yourself.... in the part of your post where you said you went back to finish high school.

Okay, so you didn't do it when you were supposed to or when everyone else in your class did it. BIG FAT DEAL. The point is you DID finish. Pat yourself on the back already! Don't compare yourself to other people.

What happened with your Mom/Mom + Dad, that wasn't your fault & you had nothing to do with it. What happened with your sister is the same. What happened with your brother, I wish it had turned out differently.

Take life at your own pace. YOUR LIFE IS FOR YOU.

Finally, if you can get to a doctor, perhaps it might help you.

It may take some effort & some different thinking, but it is doable & you can do it! Start saying that to yourself: I can do it!

Please continue sorting through what is giving you a tough time right now. You can do it!

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( anonymous1212 )))))))))))))))

Hello and welcome to the forums. Just a note of information, we have a chat room connected with this site, and it has been very helpful to others, as the forums are, to be able to have others to talk with that deal with pretty much the same in life.

I am glad you found us, please know there are many that read and several do reply. We do our best to give support to each other.

Is it possible for you to see a doctor, express what you are dealing with and see if you can get some medical help? Just a thought.

I have lost brothers (cancer and one to a fire), and I know the feeling of that lost. Still our lives go on and I try to do what I can to make things better for myself. Doesn't mean I have forgotten them, but I can't let my lost of them consume me either. Don't know if that really makes and sense.

Please keep posting, it helps to release those feelings that seem to take over. Visit the chat room, it does help many.

Take care of yourself.

Warmsoul/Moderator