I have managed to eat something today: a small amount of Cheerios with some milk. I have been blacking out quite frequently and the starvation is affecting my ability to do anything other than sit up or lie down and stare at the wall.
I know I have plunged myself into deeper darkness by not eating. I know a starving brain is a depressed brain. I am overreacting to things, I am not thinking clearly and all I want to do is keep my brain quiet. My beloved music which has brought so much comfort in the past is just an annoyance today. The sun is out and it is very mild so I am going to make myself go out and breathe in the fresh air and let the sun shine on my pasty complexion. This despair is a heavy burden that I carry and I wait for something to lighten the load. Maybe I am doing too much waiting and not enough acting. I have no one to do anything with. My husband is at work all day and I have no friends. I have tried to make friends but people just aren't interested. I am always very careful not to talk about myself but to ask them lots of questions and I always try to appear non-depressed. It doesn't matter....people still don't like me. I am sure my children wonder why I don't have any friends.
Time to end the pity party and go outside. I wish you all well.
Friday
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- crystalgaze
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Hi there Mich! ((((((((( Mich )))))))))) I hope you managed to get outside for a little bit....
Do you think volunteering might help? Maybe you might find friends there? Maybe there is some place nearby that needs help?
Glad you ate something.... That's really good to hear! Please don't give up hope! (GO MICH!!! WOOHOO!!)
Also... I know it's hard, but try not to worry about what everyone else thinks.... You are having a moment.... I'm sorry that no one seems to really understand that.... Please don't internalize it because you really don't need anymore pain on your plate..... ((((((((( Mich )))))))))))
Do you think volunteering might help? Maybe you might find friends there? Maybe there is some place nearby that needs help?
Glad you ate something.... That's really good to hear! Please don't give up hope! (GO MICH!!! WOOHOO!!)
Also... I know it's hard, but try not to worry about what everyone else thinks.... You are having a moment.... I'm sorry that no one seems to really understand that.... Please don't internalize it because you really don't need anymore pain on your plate..... ((((((((( Mich )))))))))))
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- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((Mich))))))))) so proud of you for taking ACTION, eating and going outside! Sometimes I think that's the way it works, we have to take action we don't want to take but feel better after we do...I do that to waiting for things to somehow miraculously get better, but they just don't. Little steps in the right direction are HUGE for people like us so you go girl!
It is very hard to make friends when depressed and trying to put on that "Its okay" facade is so draining and you already have to do that with your family. So maybe, once again, look into group therapy. Just like we support each other and have become friends, I think over time you will find it helps alot to be around people who understand and you don't have to fake it with and you might make some friends to lean on over time. You are such a supportive and caring person who truly understands what suffering is, so people in group will naturally gravitate toward you I think.
Is there any sort of outpatient support group for anorexics? Have you searched the web?
Frankly, I've gotten more support from peers here, my 12 step program, and a ministry healing program than I ever got from the mental health profession. Your doctor may be helping you, but might you find others in a group setting even more helpful? Or a support group for peers who are anorexic?
Maybe volunteering at the hospital is a bit too much right now. Is there an issue or cause you feel passionate about? If so, google on the web. For instance, I am part of several action networks that send me emails about the causes, and I can sign petitions, make phone calls, write letters, do little things that when hundreds of thousands of others do them too, they really do MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It might be something that would distrast you a bit if you got involved in an issue totally unrelated to depression and might help your self-esteem a bit to do something like that. It does me anyway. Freeing political prisoners around the globe? Organizing a fund drive to buy malaria nets? Animal welfare? Genocide? Extreme Poverty? I don't know if taking action on child abuse would empower or upset you more...but it is something to think about...
Little steps ((((((((((Mich))))))))) can as ((((((((((((Tacking)))))))))))) says help us 'drift in the right direction'...I get overwhelmed when I think of everything and how far I have to go, so I'm trying to just focus on the next right thing. And to not be hard on myself when what I do doesn't seem like much. You generally fix dinner for your family, clean up the house a bit, cart your kids around, do the laundry...that's a lot more than I can do! I haven't done laundry in ages and am now down to re-wearing dirty clothes. So how about this weekend, I do some laundry, and you search the web a bit for a cause you might be interested in volunteering for over the internet or finding out about possible group therapy or a support group for anorexics or some other positive action you can take for yourself that you've been neglecting...Can we make a deal? Push each other in a kind, loving way?
Wishing you light and peace in your day and hoping you find a bit of comfort somehow in your darkness...
It is very hard to make friends when depressed and trying to put on that "Its okay" facade is so draining and you already have to do that with your family. So maybe, once again, look into group therapy. Just like we support each other and have become friends, I think over time you will find it helps alot to be around people who understand and you don't have to fake it with and you might make some friends to lean on over time. You are such a supportive and caring person who truly understands what suffering is, so people in group will naturally gravitate toward you I think.
Is there any sort of outpatient support group for anorexics? Have you searched the web?
Frankly, I've gotten more support from peers here, my 12 step program, and a ministry healing program than I ever got from the mental health profession. Your doctor may be helping you, but might you find others in a group setting even more helpful? Or a support group for peers who are anorexic?
Maybe volunteering at the hospital is a bit too much right now. Is there an issue or cause you feel passionate about? If so, google on the web. For instance, I am part of several action networks that send me emails about the causes, and I can sign petitions, make phone calls, write letters, do little things that when hundreds of thousands of others do them too, they really do MAKE A DIFFERENCE. It might be something that would distrast you a bit if you got involved in an issue totally unrelated to depression and might help your self-esteem a bit to do something like that. It does me anyway. Freeing political prisoners around the globe? Organizing a fund drive to buy malaria nets? Animal welfare? Genocide? Extreme Poverty? I don't know if taking action on child abuse would empower or upset you more...but it is something to think about...
Little steps ((((((((((Mich))))))))) can as ((((((((((((Tacking)))))))))))) says help us 'drift in the right direction'...I get overwhelmed when I think of everything and how far I have to go, so I'm trying to just focus on the next right thing. And to not be hard on myself when what I do doesn't seem like much. You generally fix dinner for your family, clean up the house a bit, cart your kids around, do the laundry...that's a lot more than I can do! I haven't done laundry in ages and am now down to re-wearing dirty clothes. So how about this weekend, I do some laundry, and you search the web a bit for a cause you might be interested in volunteering for over the internet or finding out about possible group therapy or a support group for anorexics or some other positive action you can take for yourself that you've been neglecting...Can we make a deal? Push each other in a kind, loving way?
Wishing you light and peace in your day and hoping you find a bit of comfort somehow in your darkness...
(((((((crystal, shatteredhopes, lisa))))))
You guys are the best!
OK - as soon as I finish this post I am going to look and see if our local mental health association has a group for depression sufferers. I have put this off long enough! I am not ready to attend one for anorexia as I am just not ready to deal with that yet. As is chronically a problem with anorexics, I don't feel sick enough or thin enough to show up at a group.
I have survived okay without my psychiatrist this week. Whenever he leaves for awhile, I always think I won't make it through without him....but I always do. Maybe because my kids were home with me this week it made it a bit easier.
I have been wearing the same clothes for days but no one ever says anything....what would one say anyway? Dust is everywhere but I just don't care. I have to pull myself up today to take my daughter to her hockey game in a few hours. That means eating something so I can drive the car and possibly brushing my teeth and hair. If I can get those 3 things done, I will consider it a triumph.
You guys are the best!
OK - as soon as I finish this post I am going to look and see if our local mental health association has a group for depression sufferers. I have put this off long enough! I am not ready to attend one for anorexia as I am just not ready to deal with that yet. As is chronically a problem with anorexics, I don't feel sick enough or thin enough to show up at a group.
I have survived okay without my psychiatrist this week. Whenever he leaves for awhile, I always think I won't make it through without him....but I always do. Maybe because my kids were home with me this week it made it a bit easier.
I have been wearing the same clothes for days but no one ever says anything....what would one say anyway? Dust is everywhere but I just don't care. I have to pull myself up today to take my daughter to her hockey game in a few hours. That means eating something so I can drive the car and possibly brushing my teeth and hair. If I can get those 3 things done, I will consider it a triumph.
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- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((((Mich)))))))))) Good for you for checking into groups! If my insurance rate gets cut the way my agent promised it is supposed to, I am hoping in a few months to be able to go to group therapy twice a month. I think it would help both of us if we could be around peers in "real life" to support each other as we do here.
One thing that used to help me, I used to try to close my eyes and picture something good in the future...I guess having such a hard time now because I see nothing good in the future and am so tired of disappointments. But for you, could you maybe try sometime to close your eyes and picture your daughter's wedding day, helping her with her veil and adjusting her train on her gown, with her sooooo happy and you feeling so happy for her. Could you imagine your son's graduation day and your heart bursting with pride and joy? Could you think about how you might feel walking down the hall of the maternity unit at the hospital to go see and greet your first grandchild?
Anyway, just a thought. I haven't brushed my hair today, and my mom sure noticed! Must force myself to do that when I am going out in public, especially so as not to embarrass her when we are together. I really don't care myself, I go out in dirty clothes with unbrushed hair and teeth but I won't do it anymore around her. It might help if you change your clothes so your family doesn't worry about you. If you can't do it for yourself, maybe do it for them?
Lotsa love your way, and wishing you some light and peace...
One thing that used to help me, I used to try to close my eyes and picture something good in the future...I guess having such a hard time now because I see nothing good in the future and am so tired of disappointments. But for you, could you maybe try sometime to close your eyes and picture your daughter's wedding day, helping her with her veil and adjusting her train on her gown, with her sooooo happy and you feeling so happy for her. Could you imagine your son's graduation day and your heart bursting with pride and joy? Could you think about how you might feel walking down the hall of the maternity unit at the hospital to go see and greet your first grandchild?
Anyway, just a thought. I haven't brushed my hair today, and my mom sure noticed! Must force myself to do that when I am going out in public, especially so as not to embarrass her when we are together. I really don't care myself, I go out in dirty clothes with unbrushed hair and teeth but I won't do it anymore around her. It might help if you change your clothes so your family doesn't worry about you. If you can't do it for yourself, maybe do it for them?
Lotsa love your way, and wishing you some light and peace...
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- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
((((((Mich)))))) Good for you for taking action. And for getting out on the nice mild days. The fresh air and sun shine should go along way to making you feel better. It always helps me. And seeing the flowers starting to make an appearence is a lovely reminder that spring is here and the time for new beginnings. Sending positvie thoughts your way, Robyn.
It's lunch time and I am locked in my standard lunch-time battle of whether to eat or not. While I like to believe that anorexia has control of me and makes the decisions for me, that is really not true. If I don't eat, it is because I have made a conscious choice not to eat. My reasons for not eating are disordered and if I heed them it will have been my choice.
I am very low today. I went back to my psych yesterday after having a week off due to his taking a trip. It always feels weird to go back, even after a short absence. I even caught myself thinking "do I really want to go back?" I had a good session. I dealt with really surface stuff and did not get into anything intense. Today I am dealing with the overwhelming urge to self destruct and starvation certainly plays into that. I just want to be gone from this world, from this life. I have had a hard life and I am tired of living it. I am not going to act on this....I know I have control....but the urges and the feelings are strong. If I get out of control, I know what to do. It just feels like living even one more minute is one minute too many. It is a desperate feeling. My chest is crushed with an intractable sadness and it is hard work to distract myself from it today. I am going to give my Spanish a try....something to get my focus off myself.
All my best to everyone. I hope everyone is okay today.
I am very low today. I went back to my psych yesterday after having a week off due to his taking a trip. It always feels weird to go back, even after a short absence. I even caught myself thinking "do I really want to go back?" I had a good session. I dealt with really surface stuff and did not get into anything intense. Today I am dealing with the overwhelming urge to self destruct and starvation certainly plays into that. I just want to be gone from this world, from this life. I have had a hard life and I am tired of living it. I am not going to act on this....I know I have control....but the urges and the feelings are strong. If I get out of control, I know what to do. It just feels like living even one more minute is one minute too many. It is a desperate feeling. My chest is crushed with an intractable sadness and it is hard work to distract myself from it today. I am going to give my Spanish a try....something to get my focus off myself.
All my best to everyone. I hope everyone is okay today.
Hiya mich,i'm sorry to hear you're so low but encouraged that you feel in control of your suicidal feelings. It's also positive that you are trying to do things to distract yourself e.g your Spanish and that you managed to have a good session with your psychiatrist
I hope you manged to allow yourself to eat something. even a banana is full of good sugars and minerals. sorry, i know i always go on about them - you must think I own a banana plantation or something! It would be good if you take a multivitamin and mineral supplement too while you're finding it so hard to nourish yourself
Wishing you continued strength for the fight my sister...
All my love, Lisa xxxx
I hope you manged to allow yourself to eat something. even a banana is full of good sugars and minerals. sorry, i know i always go on about them - you must think I own a banana plantation or something! It would be good if you take a multivitamin and mineral supplement too while you're finding it so hard to nourish yourself
Wishing you continued strength for the fight my sister...
All my love, Lisa xxxx
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