Notes/Letters

[crystalgaze]

This is a bit joky, I guess....

I can usually write a note or letter to a friend with little to no problem....

~lol~ So I told my partner I had another note for him.... This is probably the 3rd one..... & he exclaimed, "I wonder why it is you can't just say what it is that's on your mind!"

I just sort of giggled & said, "I've always been like that! If I had to talk about it, I would never remember it all or how I was thinking about it."

My closest thoughts are hard to verbalize. (It often sounds wrong to my own ears... In my head, it's fine, though.) We don't see each other a lot a lot, so I get tired of waiting to say what I want & simply forget (to avoid being anxious or disappointment or whatever else)....

Edit: I'll even stammer, stumble over my words & shake (have tremors)..... Totally not my cup of tea....

_______________________

I did have a problem writing my thank you note to the lady for the last interview. No matter how I tried, my hand shook; my writing is sort of crooked; my letters aren't formed how they usually would be... Oh, what a mess! It probably looks sophomoric....

Oh well.... I did my best...

Anybody else like that? (Notes are easy but words are hard sort of thing?)

Edit: I am thinking of destroying that note & not bothering to deliver it....

[crystalgaze]

I haven't burned or destroyed the letter, but I decided that I wouldn't call him today or any day, until he calls me. I had asked him about that before, & he did a lot better with it (then of course, flaked/fell off the wagon). I've already spoken once about it & in a previous letter, put the question to him of:

How can any one be too busy for someone they "love"? If people love me, they will make time for me. That's how I see it.

I don't usually tend to repeat myself because I can be that impatient at times & really to me, it comes off as the person not being serious & wasting my precious time. (& that can be the one thing I dislike most, especially if my mood isn't so great....)

I can totally see myself giving someone a "look" & saying, "Don't waste my time.... "

After a point of chasing/showing interest, I get tired of being the only one & I am NOT one for putting out more effort than the other person involved.

I will find out later if my "letters" bother my partner, but I don't really give a sh*t. I can certainly move on to someone else who won't mind. However, I'm not going to jump the gun just yet. I must find out definitively first.

I like my partner quite a bit, but sometimes things he says just makes me wonder & presents itself as cause for distrust. I have suppressed my love because I want to make sure that he's not playing with my mind or in it just for the cookie.

We will see! I am ready to throw my fire catapults, if necessary. (I feel good today, so I've a bit of spunk.... Oh wait.... Maybe that's what you call a b*tch.)

[xn728]

im trying to read all your posts onika ,i cant answer them all ,i still feel very down ,but ill have a go with this one ,,,ok about the notes ,,i know this is differant but i give notes to fran ,,reminding her to turn the tumble dreyer off ,,and turn the cooker off ,,these things she forgets due to the onset of M,S,,but she loves these notes ,i always siqn my name at the
bottom ,,and leave some kisses ,,,i leave them amoung the bannanas
in the fruit bowl ,,i stick them on door handles ,,all places were i know she,ll find them ,,,you know what she saves them all ,,lol,,got a whole pile of them,,,hope this amuses you,,And your partner ,,and you saying he should find a little time for you busy or not ,,,well i agree he should ,,and i trully hope he does onika ,,i would be heart,broken for you if you fell out
im sure he must love you ,,sometimes men ,,well ,all the time men dont
know how to handle things sometimes ,,and they need shoving in the right
direction ,i hope he see,s the wonderful person you are and your realasionship continues to grow ,,,im sure it will,hope you dont mind me saying these things ,,,,,see you soon onika ,,hugs ken xxx

[crystalgaze]

He did call yesterday. I was pretty surprised.... I do miss him....

I am not sure about him, though... I really do not see it working. That is my feeling; it waxes & wanes (like the moon)....

Edit: You don't have to answer/read them all. ~lol~ I know I can post all over the place, so that must be hard to keep up with all the time.

Not a problem Ken! Hugs to you! (((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))))

& of course, you're just fine!

Edit: I am thinking of simply shredding that note.... The love may very well be lost.

[crystalgaze]

Okay... so I delivered my note a while back & oddly enough, he referred to it as his souvenir.... I have no idea why... but ~shrugs~ oh well...

I wonder a lot what's going on because I'm not really sure. A lot of the time, I am ready to just walk away, but I am noticing that it seems like we don't really understand each other, just yet.

Amazingly, my sig. other didn't seem to realize/understand that I had not been seriously involved with many men (to the point of full blown sex). I'm not sure how he missed it...

We are... well.... clumsy together! XD

[crystalgaze]

I think I am done with my notes/letter for now.

I tried to surprise him last night by going to pick him up from work....

The thing is often times I go to sleep early, so I don't like to commit myself to any thing.... I also love to be spontaneous.... (trying to put my impulsivity to good use)

Now, I couldn't truly surprise him because I think my driving--how I drive--gave me away.... (Aww, shoot!)

My driving is weird at times... Either too far left on the road or I take my corners/turns too wide & sometimes, I don't even seem to be with it enough to park properly... but then a lot of our parking lots are a challenge here!

I had a bit of a time parking.... couldn't seem to really get it right last night.... so I just did it as best as I could.... I'm fumbling around, looking for my cell phone....

Before I can dial his number, I notice a car stops right behind me, blocking me in... & I think to myself, "WTF is this? ... Hhmm... Whatever..."

Someone gets out the car.... I'm sort of like, "??? Um... Maybe that person is coming to their car or whatever...."

I finally ring the phone & I hear it ring right outside my glass. (I had the windows rolled up, since it was late at night.)

What do I see? My man is standing right there. Just before he could knock on the window, I looked up to see it was him.

MAN, WAS I SPOOKED!?

He gets in the car & says, "You couldn't have just called me to tell me you were coming?!" (The surprise on his face was priceless! ~LOL~)

& then of all the times he could do this, he proceeds to give me driving tips the whole time he's in the car with me & well, I was not really...um... cooperative about it... & we ended up bickering (playfully) like how a married couple does.... It was hilarious! (I mean, I was alert, but not THAT alert to really try to immediately practice what he was saying.)

(I didn't know it, but he's VERY HYPER, when he comes off from work.... Goodness gracious... & he's a worrywart & scattered, just like me, although I am trying to get mine better under wraps; his thoughts go from 1 thing to the next, to the next, to the next.... I often lose track counting how many there were.)

His tips were very helpful, though... (He's a pro in my book....) Ah... One of these days, I may even go back to driving school....

He said I lived dangerously.... I am just a bit wild at times & a bit of a free spirit.... That's all...

We have work to do....

[crystalgaze]

I can't shake the feeling that he is planning something for V-day or close to that day.... ~nervous~

~bites my nails~ I hope not....

I'm not going to get my hopes up for any thing. It is not like him to really express his inner inners a lot (feelings). I would probably have a fit, if he did...

I am going to work at remaining calm. That's really my order for the rest of the year.

[crystalgaze]

Today, I feel free... You can't know how glad I am for this feeling. I hope it continues & that I am strong enough to maintain it.

There was something that bothered me about myself recently about the relationship. I felt sort of out of balance....

I always try to aim for something reciprocal (for the most part). For something so uncertain, I felt too dependent. Maybe I'm just dense too; sometimes stuff just flies right over my head!

I think I am okay now--back to the self I desire to be: less dependent (~whisper~ maybe even a bit powerful).... Hooray for me....!

(Wow! I was so frightened I might've lost myself there....) The spell is broken.... I know I'll be okay now if/when something happens.

[crystalgaze]

I am close to ready to summon my other selves to do what I will need to do shortly. The 1 that may surface is the cold one. (Oh jeez, like I need that!)

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It is as simple as this: My needs are not being met.
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I have given it a chance, but alas, it really is not working. Intimacy is extremely hard now, even down to cuddling, & when that becomes hard, I know it's time to QUIT & quit it quick!

(I don't have a warm/positive feeling about hardly any thing in this relationship, & I don't think talking will help. It didn't help previously, & I don't believe it's depression interfering. What I mean is he will do something I request like about 2x & then flake. It's happened more than once already & as far as I see it, it is a pattern.

It's bad for my health to be near someone who doesn't appear to truly value me. I'm just hoping I don't get too peeved about it because I will want to knock him out for it & I already feel that way.)

In a rare moment of sibling-hood, my brother was a real brother to me & gave me advice about a situation like this. He said' "If your needs are not being met, move on from him. (Go find another guy who will make you happy; don't sit there with it or put up with crap.)

Apart from that, the cogs in my mind are slowly starting to turn & I'm beginning to think that dating, as it is currently done in [American?] society, is not something to do. I have yet to really see what good it does.

[crystalgaze]

This is me thinking out loud.

I am starting to wonder if perhaps, I don't want my own happiness.... That doesn't make sense to me.... but I know I don't always do things that make sense....

(I dah know... Today I'm just confused... REALLY I AM SAYING THIS: I AM CONFOO-SAID!)

Hhmm.... I must revisit my (almost entirely) self-reliant [masculine?] air. Something strange happened today. When I told my fella, I needed him, right, he dropped EVERY THING he was doing to be with me.... (which I don't understand because it's never happened prior to today)

The only difference was that I actually told him, "I need you." I'm amazed at the response... This is a jumble.... So wait, in order for him to have time for me, I must tell him I need him? Meow??? What???

^___ I'm totally lost about that one up there.

I did tell him about my chest pain; he was very reassuring about it.

It happened before, but I wonder if I'm not having a misunderstanding all by myself (again)?

Seriously, I feel unfit to be in a relationship.... ~facepalm~ Ai-yah-yai...

I may end up "running" merely because I am scared. Possibly, I fear truly opening up & allowing any one to see me or to be with me--the inner self that emerges when I relax/let down my guard almost entirely, not for what any one will think or rejection but for not wanting to reveal myself PERIOD (as in it's just not something I do). I guess I feel that my current reveal % is enough & that any thing more may end up in my being a basketcase. (Y'all saw how I scaled the walls recently.... Well worrse than that....)

When I go back to the doctor for my follow-up, I'm going to ask him about my options for sterilization. I am not sure I can take the anxiety of becoming infertile any longer. I haven't wanted any thing as bad as this, in many, many years. Often, I wonder if it is not my self-destruction I am wishing for at times.

I am sure about it, though....

[crystalgaze]

Okay... I decided to backtrack a bit. Something happened today that made me question whether I was really supposed to have been female.

I've wondered about it b4, & I am wondering again....



Edit: Things seem to be going okay with my sig. other, & I don't know how it happened.... ~shrugs~ It beats me....

[crystalgaze]

I have been feeling stable within myself for the most part; I'm glad for that... Slowly, I think I am truly making up my mind about every thing. I will give it just a little more time....

[xn728]

IM GLAD TO HEAR YOUR FEELING A LITTLE SETTELD (((((ONIKA))))),,,just take your time and think things over ,,as you say your a thinker ,,you,ll be fine ,,About being a female ,not sure what you mean there ,,but im just thankful that your you ,,,goodnight onika lots of love ,,hugs kenny,,,,,xxxx

[crystalgaze]

I may end up walking away from my partner, due to a technicality.

I have had some S- thoughts & feelings recently. They have been persisting of late.... There are no demons or voices, just those thoughts & feelings. I will have to monitor it... I may then be unfit for a relationship... (I like to have my wits about me when I am with someone.)

Edit: I will tell him about what happened when I can get him.... He is working today. I called him, but he couldn't talk. I wasn't even able to get out a word.

That's partly a reason for leaving also. If he doesn't have time to listen and/or be supportive, why should I invest time & energy in that?

[crystalgaze]

I've decided I'm not going to say anything.

Also, I am gearing myself up to leave or do a serious downgrade of our relationship. (I'm wondering if I can even call it that?)

I spoke to him briefly yesterday, again only because I called. He is really stressed out right now, but that is not a valid reason/justification for me being put off as much as has been done lately, imo.

(I mean: When won't he be stressed out? I'm stressed out, but I still take time to work on being present for whatever it was that we were doing.)

I feel okay with my decision. I hadn't been feeling too great, but I am better today. Just like I can't make a child ALL by myself, I can't do a relationship all by myself. It simply is not fair to me.

He did not even call me for Valentine's Day. I was not even considered. (He was working that day, but to me, that is still no excuse. I know when it's time to skedaddle. This is it! The time is now!)

I'm not very upset because I DID SEE THIS COMING. I went with my eyes open. My dad always said to me that if I'm going to get into something, do it with my eyes wide open.

Edit: I finally did get him & I think that I am doing the right thing by walking away or stepping back or whatever it is that I am doing. Retreating/Leaving him well alone is the proper path. Almost every thing in his life is tumultuous (except for me). It would be like me living next to a club with loud music year after year after year.

I need something & someone relatively calm & who will be able to be there for me.... The thing is: If he didn't have all that racket he seems to have going on his life, he'd probably be okay. However, it is racket he created for himself by being irresponsible in his younger years.

It's something how things catch up with you, & it's also not in my best interest or fair to me, so there we have it. I don't know if this is God giving me a revelation or what, but I feel good, oddly enough....