The lady there was nice as usual.... & then we got to talking about make-up & I told her my experience with it--that I actually don't know how to put it on at all. We sort of giggled about it...
I have almost always been against makeup.... but really it's that I just never had any one to show me what to do with it....
Mom doesn't wear any hardly apart from lipstick... My grandma (mother's side) would probably know, but she is suffering with her own illnesses. My great aunt (grandma's sister) would probably know a thing or two but ~lol~ she tended to only really use one color for rouge to plaster her cheeks a blushing red....
The lady can have her days where she seems to have an attitude or whatever, but I'm glad I've ignored her & not really taken her on to have a confrontation in those moments. I think she's just had some rough times, like almost all of us have had.
Any way, she told me she had her own line of makeup, which I was surprised to discover. She said she wouldn't mind showing me how to put it on & was surprisingly not pushy about selling me her products or even about wearing makeup. It was a seriously no-stress situation.
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Now... Why was this a big deal & why was I slightly triggered by the whole conversation?
Well, I realized it goes back to my school days in elementary school when I was 10. I really did not understand back then this part of how I felt that I will reveal now. You see, I was always made to feel that I was not good enough as I was (as a person), not adequate enough as a female or that there was something wrong with how I was (when there really wasn't).
The reason I have been opposed to makeup for so long, amongst other girly-enhancing things, is that people always kept telling what I must do.
"Perm your hair.... Do something else with your hair...."
"Shave your legs...." "Wear a shorter skirt...."
"Change those shoes...."
"Put on some makeup & fix your face...."
"Get rid of those glasses...."
Nothing was ever right.... I'm amazed they never said "Fail some tests...." or "You're too smart...." Hell!
I met with so much criticism almost all the time that I really was a wreck & the counter measure I used then was to be resistant. "Since it bothers you so much, I will keep it that way, especially since you don't feed me or put clothes on my back."
Well, I'm not 10 any more.... & no one can tell me what I must do now, in that regard.... I do whatever, if I want to & for me & if I feel like it, even if my reasons are still a bit skewed.
I am more than enough now. That was what I was able to consciously note today. It was painful back then, though, but I can cast it off now (after all these years)....
The man in my life right now appears to also happy with me as I am & we have not yet really fought over any thing, which I am grateful for, as fights are not my thing (due to losing control & being absolutely destructive in a fight, if I'm pushed). It's just not a good feeling.... He appears to like me for me & doesn't make me feel less than I am. He also knows I can't take noise, so he usually speaks softer in my presence.... I'm not sure if we will stay together (forever or what) because there are certainly some obstacles, but truly I understood that I was enough as I was & not as I "should" be. (He does have a problem with my lack of expression & always asks me why I hold it all back, though....)
I am also a bit dysfunctional as a female because I have never really been able to trust other women, since almost each time I trusted one, she almost always tried to destroy me in some way--whether it's backstab, betray my trust, set me up with a guy for harm to come to me, steal a boyfriend or whatever else..... That's not to say I trust guys per se either.
