Shatteredhopes - thanks for your post. It is great to hear from you. I hope you will post on your own thread and let us know how you are. I have tried the chatroom a few more times and have enjoyed it. The dynamic in there can really vary.
Ken - Unfortunately I had to turn off my music eventually last night as it was not comforting me and was adding to the noise in my head. I hope I can listen today because it has been a comfort to me all my life. I still listen to the songs of my childhood and remember how they used to soothe me during very difficult times
I was a very broken woman last night. The tears were flowing and I was pleading with my husband to come up with some form of relief for me that did not involve an overdose. My children had a full view of depression at its worst last night. Visibly I look less shaken today but the depression is still raging. I am not sure what will happen at my psychiatrist appointment this morning. All I know is that I need this feeling to end. I am taking things one agonizing minute at a time. I feel beyond help. My husband keeps saying he believes I can get better but I have very little hope of that happening. How unfair that he has to live through this too. I wonder how long he will last. There has to be a point where he says enough is enough.
Overdose - Triggering
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
I had my psychiatrist appt. It was so unsatisfying and unhelpful that I left halfway through saying that I was just too unwell to continue. I am dying a slow agonizing death and everyone is watching me go down. Consider this the day that I have officially given up that I will ever find happiness in this life.
we die everyday mich when our dark creature makes us feel as ill as you are now ,,you have already said it here so i will also agree ,my phyco doc never did me any good ,they dont understand ,they have never worn the cloak of darkness ,and mindful destruction ,we wear daily ,if go with high expectations like i used to do then dissapointment can only follow ,,your not dying my dear freind ,your that low you feel that way i know ,but
wheather you like it or not ,we are put here on this earth to carry this burden with us ,and carry it we do ,,you can only die if the ones around you let go ,,your husband is your partner ,your freind and the one you share your life with ,you came together because you were made for each other ,from the day you were both born ,your footsteps were set in the road you walk now ,even as children your unconsious voices would call out to each other ,like beacons bringing you both closer as you grew up
you met ,and fell in love ,your children were born ,and the bond was complete ,he will support you mich ,through the darkness ,he will cry in secret maybe with frustration when he can find no answer ,but he will remain strong and will continue to love you ,so as he must bear the pain of seeing his lovely wife suffer .you must be strong mich ,he will not let you go ,,nor will we ,im sorry ive said to much ,,,love ken xxx
wheather you like it or not ,we are put here on this earth to carry this burden with us ,and carry it we do ,,you can only die if the ones around you let go ,,your husband is your partner ,your freind and the one you share your life with ,you came together because you were made for each other ,from the day you were both born ,your footsteps were set in the road you walk now ,even as children your unconsious voices would call out to each other ,like beacons bringing you both closer as you grew up
you met ,and fell in love ,your children were born ,and the bond was complete ,he will support you mich ,through the darkness ,he will cry in secret maybe with frustration when he can find no answer ,but he will remain strong and will continue to love you ,so as he must bear the pain of seeing his lovely wife suffer .you must be strong mich ,he will not let you go ,,nor will we ,im sorry ive said to much ,,,love ken xxx
Last edited by xn728 on Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
It's one week later and I have to say I am feeling the same desperation as I did then when taking too much medication. Nothing in my thinking is okay. Why do all the people around me think it is okay for me to be out and walking about? My doctor did not show the least inclination to protect me from myself yesterday even when I told him that nothing had changed for me. I need hospitalization but I'm not going to get it. I best just shut up and deal with it.
Last night was torture. My family was trying to make conversation with me and I just couldn't stand the inputs. My son was excited about a school project he completed and I could barely muster up the enthusiasm to look at it. Terrible mother. It's hard to breathe; it's hard to move and it's almost impossible to talk. I feel totally incapacitated. I try to do some Spanish reading but cannot focus or concentrate. I am trying not to be so self centered but the pain is just so intense that it is hard not to think about it, to focus on it. I just keep wishing it away and yet it never relents. I want to try some different meds but I am terrified of the potential weight gain so I stick with the ones I am on knowing full well that they are not working at all.
Does my husband care at all? Does he realize I don't want to live? Does he realize the state I am in? I am screaming for someone to help me and no one hears me. The little girl whose cries were never heard.
Last night was torture. My family was trying to make conversation with me and I just couldn't stand the inputs. My son was excited about a school project he completed and I could barely muster up the enthusiasm to look at it. Terrible mother. It's hard to breathe; it's hard to move and it's almost impossible to talk. I feel totally incapacitated. I try to do some Spanish reading but cannot focus or concentrate. I am trying not to be so self centered but the pain is just so intense that it is hard not to think about it, to focus on it. I just keep wishing it away and yet it never relents. I want to try some different meds but I am terrified of the potential weight gain so I stick with the ones I am on knowing full well that they are not working at all.
Does my husband care at all? Does he realize I don't want to live? Does he realize the state I am in? I am screaming for someone to help me and no one hears me. The little girl whose cries were never heard.
hey MICH
no mich your not a terrible mother ,,you just a poor soul consumbed
by so much darkness your having trouble coping ,,,and as for the doctor well mine has never been that good with me ,,,,and your husband ,do you tell him you want to die ,and you need more help to get help ,,doe you tell him your not coping ,,i cant talk about these things mich because i dont tell fran ,,so i am no role model for you ,,but please let this be your role model ,,all my pain mich ,,the rape the fire ,,the kidnap and beatings
the death threats ,,but im still here ,,alone i have felt all my life ,but im still here ,trying to help you even though all these years ive called out ,and the autourites have never answered that call ,,you know how much i think of you mich ,and worry everyday ,i really do ,you have great strength mich ,but i dont think you know it yourself yet ,,your children will
understand about your illness mich as they grow older ,without you even telling them ,its the way it works ,they will not have any bad feelings about you ,they will have only care and compassion ,and they wont be able to do enough to help their loving mother ,,this i know as a father ,
they will become adults and will be wiser ,,this change will take place in front of your very eyes but you may not see it straight away ,but you will turn around one day and realise how much they love you ,and then your life will become a lot brighter , so for now we will bear your pain together
its all i can offer ,for me it helps to know someone knows how i feel ,i hope its the same for you (((mich))) hugs ken xxx
by so much darkness your having trouble coping ,,,and as for the doctor well mine has never been that good with me ,,,,and your husband ,do you tell him you want to die ,and you need more help to get help ,,doe you tell him your not coping ,,i cant talk about these things mich because i dont tell fran ,,so i am no role model for you ,,but please let this be your role model ,,all my pain mich ,,the rape the fire ,,the kidnap and beatings
the death threats ,,but im still here ,,alone i have felt all my life ,but im still here ,trying to help you even though all these years ive called out ,and the autourites have never answered that call ,,you know how much i think of you mich ,and worry everyday ,i really do ,you have great strength mich ,but i dont think you know it yourself yet ,,your children will
understand about your illness mich as they grow older ,without you even telling them ,its the way it works ,they will not have any bad feelings about you ,they will have only care and compassion ,and they wont be able to do enough to help their loving mother ,,this i know as a father ,
they will become adults and will be wiser ,,this change will take place in front of your very eyes but you may not see it straight away ,but you will turn around one day and realise how much they love you ,and then your life will become a lot brighter , so for now we will bear your pain together
its all i can offer ,for me it helps to know someone knows how i feel ,i hope its the same for you (((mich))) hugs ken xxx
Hi Mich, I am so devastated to find this thread and to hear that you overdosed. I feel really awful that I haven't been around much here lately. I love you so much and it's awful to think that you nearly died, there would be one less beautiful star in this world's sky.
As Shatteredhopes says,just put yourself first,you are so ill i don't think anyone can ask anything more of you. Just focus on keeping yourself alive and know that i am thinking of you and love you so much
Lisa xxx
As Shatteredhopes says,just put yourself first,you are so ill i don't think anyone can ask anything more of you. Just focus on keeping yourself alive and know that i am thinking of you and love you so much
Lisa xxx
Lisa - thank you so much. It means the world to me to think that someone cares about me. I care the same for you and am hoping I am going to find an update from you on another thread. I truly hope that your world is bright right now.
Ken - it does help to know that others understand the pain. I marvel at your ability to counsel me even though you are in tremendous pain yourself.
I told my husband tonight that I felt as unstable as I did last Wednesday when I overdosed. I told him that I felt I could act in the same way again and that I didn't feel safe. I did not get much of a reaction. I certainly did not get the reaction that I wanted which was his support for me to go back to hospital and leave him with the job of managing the kids and all their activities, homework etc. The bottom line is that he wants me here to help with that and he is willing to risk my safety to get it. He does not support a readmission for me. My husband believes he is very supportive of me because "he doesn't get angry at me for being ill." And it's true....he doesn't. But he doesn't support me emotionally and the fact that he is willing to have me home alone every day in this state, speaks volumes to me. I am just not that important.
Ken - it does help to know that others understand the pain. I marvel at your ability to counsel me even though you are in tremendous pain yourself.
I told my husband tonight that I felt as unstable as I did last Wednesday when I overdosed. I told him that I felt I could act in the same way again and that I didn't feel safe. I did not get much of a reaction. I certainly did not get the reaction that I wanted which was his support for me to go back to hospital and leave him with the job of managing the kids and all their activities, homework etc. The bottom line is that he wants me here to help with that and he is willing to risk my safety to get it. He does not support a readmission for me. My husband believes he is very supportive of me because "he doesn't get angry at me for being ill." And it's true....he doesn't. But he doesn't support me emotionally and the fact that he is willing to have me home alone every day in this state, speaks volumes to me. I am just not that important.
YOUR NOT WORTHLESS
YOUR IMPORTANT TO ME MICH AND ALL YOUR FREINDS HERE ,,i cant argue with you you know your husband ,i dont ,maybe hes just waiting and hoping the docs will make you better ,,or maybe he just doesnt know what to do or say. sorry ...and for me ,i speak to you as a freind ,avery dear freind ,who does care ,as you say my pain is great and even though i feel fairly yppah now ,the fire does burn in the pit of evil that is my soul ,
but you need my kind words and the word of your fellow sufferers ,,we all
come here for comfort mich to give and to take ,,your not worthless ,and you have many freinds ,,as bad as the pain is we must go on ,,,the world
is a bad place to live these days ,,and the extra burden we carry .,makes it even harder for such as our selfs mich ,,we are indeed special people
you are special mich ,,and when you reach out mich i will always do my best to steer you towards the light ,,,,if you lived nearby you would be coming with me and fran for a coffee this morning ,,,,but i will think of you ,and you may feel those warm thoughts ,,,take care mich ,,hope to see you later ,,hugs ken xxx
but you need my kind words and the word of your fellow sufferers ,,we all
come here for comfort mich to give and to take ,,your not worthless ,and you have many freinds ,,as bad as the pain is we must go on ,,,the world
is a bad place to live these days ,,and the extra burden we carry .,makes it even harder for such as our selfs mich ,,we are indeed special people
you are special mich ,,and when you reach out mich i will always do my best to steer you towards the light ,,,,if you lived nearby you would be coming with me and fran for a coffee this morning ,,,,but i will think of you ,and you may feel those warm thoughts ,,,take care mich ,,hope to see you later ,,hugs ken xxx
HEY MICH
how you doing ,,,just wanted to ask about what music you like and do you listen often ,,you know i listen to mine all the time ,,sometimes it evokes bad memorys ,but the enjoymnt out weighs it ,,,ok mich no hurry ,hope
you doing ,well alright ,,thinking of you my dear freind take care and be
very safe ,,,hugs ken xxx
you doing ,well alright ,,thinking of you my dear freind take care and be
very safe ,,,hugs ken xxx
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
I have another sujestion. And it have had to calm down before making it. So as not to come accross as being harsh. But maybe you should tell your husband to hire someone to come help with the kids and house work for a couple of hours a day so that you can check yourself into the hospital. I don't know your situation and I don't know your husband. But I get the impression that he dosen't want the bother of running around with the kids or helping out with chores. Am I wrong? But really, if God forbid you got cancer would he not want to go to the hospital to get treatments or surgery? Come on. You have an illness and you need treatment. Both illness (cancer and depression) can have the same outcome if not treated. That is you end up dead. And no one wants that.
Mich, I am not trying to be mean. I just want to pass along some of my strenght to you so you can fight for yourself. You have to! Who will be my voice of reason when I'm going off the deep end and jumping to conclusions?
Lots of hugs and prayers being sent your way. Be safe, be yourself. Robyn
Mich, I am not trying to be mean. I just want to pass along some of my strenght to you so you can fight for yourself. You have to! Who will be my voice of reason when I'm going off the deep end and jumping to conclusions?
Lots of hugs and prayers being sent your way. Be safe, be yourself. RobynRobyn - you are a wonderful support. Thank you for your kindness. You are right....we could certainly hire in a cleaning lady to come in once per week if my husband found it too much. And as for my kids, they are not needy babies. They are almost 15 and 13 so they are absorbed in their own things most of the time and just need rides to and from their activities which is not too hard to do. I have never thought of a support worker before. I don't know if people do that for depressed people...I think of it as more of a thing for elderly people. Perhaps I am mistaken.
Ken - I grew up mostly in the 70's so I listen to a lot of artists from that time. I used music as a comfort growing up and I gravitate to that same music as an adult. Led Zeppelin, Moody Blues, Elton John, Genesis, Pink Floyd, The Eagles, Supertramp, Carlos Santana and many many more....I am just drawing a blank at the moment. George Harrison.....
I had to drag myself out this morning to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I did not have them last night and paid the price with a sleepless night and a terrible headache that Tylenol could not conquer.
I am terribly despondent today. I will go to bed for the rest of the day because there is nothing else I can do. It will also keep me from getting into trouble.
Ken - I grew up mostly in the 70's so I listen to a lot of artists from that time. I used music as a comfort growing up and I gravitate to that same music as an adult. Led Zeppelin, Moody Blues, Elton John, Genesis, Pink Floyd, The Eagles, Supertramp, Carlos Santana and many many more....I am just drawing a blank at the moment. George Harrison.....
I had to drag myself out this morning to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I did not have them last night and paid the price with a sleepless night and a terrible headache that Tylenol could not conquer.
I am terribly despondent today. I will go to bed for the rest of the day because there is nothing else I can do. It will also keep me from getting into trouble.
REST MICH MY FREIND
i like the music mich thanks for telling me ,,i listen to a lot from the seventies as well ,,rock mainly ,,,crybabys idea was good ,,sorry you feel down again ,,you get some sleep if you can mich ,,,,i be around and about ,i be at work tommorrow and saterday ,but ill be on the forum after teatime ,,,take care now my dear freind ,,i hope you can get some rest
hugs ken xxx
hugs ken xxx
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