A SUDDEN INTAKE OF BREATH

[xn728]

im so sorry everyone ,i had become so upset ,itook various things to try and desperatly calm down ,
but in the end i became very poorly ,i thought if i just took 2 trazadone i would be ok
the stomach pain i got was terrible and i just felt so ill ,i really did think i was gonna die
i did fall asleep and had horrendous nightmares ,the visitor had me by the throat and i could see into
its featureless dark excuse for a face ,i saw myself in death floating on the wind as i had always
imagined ,but then i realised this was an ill wind on witch i did ride ,and as i blew through the land
everyone i touched ,became black ,lost and emotionless just as i had been touched as a child all those years ago
i was spreading the visitors evil ,as in a nightmare ,but still concious i treid to wake myself up
i was weak the tablets had drained me ,i didnt have the energy ,but i must wake from this i felt this was my end
self destruction ,not meant ,but purely someone crying out for help a little rest from the pain ,
once more i forced my my self into the nightmare that was fast becoming my death,i stood in the wind of that
damned hell ,and as my very own soul passed through me ,i held it tight and lept into the now dim light of
my fading reallity,i awoke with deep intake of breath ,fran quickly woke and said Boo!are you ok Boo,yes i said
im ok love just a nightmare thats all im fine ,i held fran as she drifted of back to sleep ,and i told her
that i had been so thoughtless ,and promised i would never do such a thing again ,and i would always look after her
for as long as i live ,like the note i gave her on our wedding day ,a simple note titled (I promise) ,she didnt hear
these words ,i spoke with my heart ,as it beat against her back as we lay together,but when she wakes she will feel
them within her heart,and of my freinds here who worried so, i to am sorry for you all ,i have destroyed the meds now
and will become strong again soon ,10stone ,3 today ,,not good for a man i fear ,and my ever worsoning visions
ill be truthful ,if i told my doc about these i would fear what would happen ,so they stay with me ,and here im
afraid ,did i let you down ,only time will tell ,maybe its good to see someone who is normally strong to fall
and reach out ,it may make you feel less vunerable,and to see me rise again we,ll,thats good to surely ,this was
a very disturbing event for me ,and i cant believe how wreckless ive been ,i hope i have not hurt my freinds
i was very upset that mich was getting upset the other night ,and truly regret this forgive me ,i to must hurt ,
and if i didnt hurt ,and didnt know how your pain was to ,then how could i write such kind words ,if i ever feel
dark like this again i will try to sleep and stay queit ,i can harm no one then ,,,,,,my dear freinds i have
had another lesson here the visitor does terrible things to my mind ,but i also learn ,and next time i may
see whats coming ,it is very cunning this sentinal of mine,i have only stumbeld he ,i wont let make me fall
as in the avitar im ready once more to go foward,i do hope you will still stand at my side ,,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

If you are feeling like that again, please reach out wherever you can...including here. You did not upset me; I was concerned. I don't want you to feel like you have to become silent when you are in trouble. You need to keep writing and talking if you can.

[shatteredhopes]

Could you maybe ask your doc for a mild, small dose of anti-pyschotic? It might help. It helps me. It has trimmed the nightmares. Tamed my voices. You don't have to tell the doc everything, just enough to get the help you need. I know its very hard for me to trust the mental health profession, but I am trying to get what I know I need.

Fran is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have her to hold when you have nightmares.

We all care about you and don't want you to suffer so.

[xn728]

ok mich ,i only do it to protect my freinds ,you seem to see me as a big strong source here ,i dont feel i can let anyone down ,,,,,thanks ,,your unwell right now my thoughts are with you ,i grow stronger by the hour
from your kind words ,,,,ken
shatteredhopes ,i darent divulgde this my mother was sectioned about 6 weeks ago and im frightened ,i will be careful from now on ,no more silly tablets ,i promice ,,,,,,,,you are fast becoming a strong freind here im proud to be able to stand with you ,and all my freinds here ,,,ken

[lisalou]

ken, it is a pleasure to have you back and i'm glad you're feeling a little better and i'm glad that you and fran have such a strong love that keeps you going. please please feel free to carry on being so open when you are suffering, we want to be there for you.

[xn728]

thanks lisa ,so much help ,i have to wonder sometimes why ,when i came on the forum i didnt expect this ,it still overwhelms me ,im nothing but someone who maybe has a way with words ,(shame about the spelling )
who the hell said that ,,,iggy is that you sometimes i fear i would scare you all away ,,but i,ll try to keep a grip ,its the starain ive been under
with shelly and fran ,the swine flu thing ,we havent been out the house in
two weeks ,anyway thanks so much ,tommorrow i,ll be even better and
i will stand up tall agian ,and i use my special gifts ,to raise our spirits
,,,,ken,,,,,,,,goodnight