time for reflection

[xn728]

Its been a long hard journey ,this small and insignificent life of mine ,just one amoung ,many thousands.
But it has been interesting ,dangerous at times ,and certianly funny ,but the darkness always wins through
and i know at this stage there is no hope for me now .i will survive and be kept at a level were i can perform
as a normal human being .
But the dark visitor and all its demons and visions of my past ,present ,and future life will remain inside
the frail human frame i have now become .i dont fear death for myself ,peace and sleep i dont ever think will
come to be mine even in death ,and what of the visitor ,it lives with me now ,and will die with me ,whatever
fate awaits my soul the visitor will bear it with me .its a pact it has me now it will stay with me in death
i will not let it escape to take another .
ive stopped at many places along this road hopeing to find a little comfort and shelter ,more than once i was welcome
but when i spoke of my life ,and the monsters that lived within me ,i was scorned and made to flee once more
onto that lonely road .
Nothing ahead only pain and horrors beyond beleif,closing my eyes in need of rest ,the doors of hell do open
and the army of the imagination march upon me ,but i would not give up i could not .
Again i carried on along that road ,trying many places promiseing understanding and shelter ,weary and in need
of help i would unpack my troubles ,and await the words of comfort .the writings on the wall said it all
Antichrist ,you need to be exorcised ,what the f,,, he,ll you on about man your crazy ,and other things .
back in the wilderness i walk with head bowed ,so many things i had tryed and failed,i wouldent go anymore .
I turned around gathered up my heavy load and was to start the journey home ,the road i had travelled was long
i could see the visitor looking over russ that night it first appeared, then the embers from the house fire
still glowing in my mind 30 years later , i saw the suicide attempt and the faces above me asking why ,
I saw the prison and that small room with know way out ,so young and frightened ,then i saw Fran on our marrige
and the note i gave her witch contained a promise ,my first born Bridget now 29 who i held at birth ,then came her
bad hips at age 2 ,not able to walk for 3 years ,Frans cancer and the loss of someone we could never know
Then Shelley was born 22 now ,such a spirit ,likes her dad ,likes to be differant ,and likes the music he to loves
So i turned around and with a brisk step walked onwards in search of understanding and help ,somewere to rest
and talk about the life i has led ,and my fight with depression in hope he could help someone else
I walked many miles over many years ,it was to much i stumbled and fell into the dust ,i lay quiet and tired
wanting to sleep forever ,but i must go on ,as i struggled to get up i felt with my hand in the dust something
solid and dark ,eagerly i swept the dust away to find a door .i stood and pulled the door open ,a brilliant
light shone forth and eclipised the darkness that had always shrouded me ,slowly i walked in and rested ,once
again i wrote my messages on the great never ending wall ,and lay for a while ,tense and ready to leave
quickly when the hurtful words appeared ,something broke the silence ,queit at first but getting louder
tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,on ,and on ,and on and on !then i looked at the wall ,words of comfort to many to read
at first ,warmth , understanding ,welcomes and hugs i was overwhelmed, i fell to the floor and cryed with relif
over the passing days i wrote more and gave more ,and the strength grew inside me ,and now i unpack my heavy load
and traveling no more i will do for i have found everything i need here .my dear freinds ,some suffer more than others
but we watch over each other ,and no matter how dark the hour ,the brain that hurts us brings forward the
knowing that there freinds are there always .
When i close my eyes i can see us all ,sat in a big room round an open fire ,in the light from the fire we talk
and gain comfort from this special gathering ,so Onikin ,mich ,lisa ,aim ,monty, aurliea ,confused, and everyone
and warmie hey girl ,all come sit by the fire .
It is beyond your imagination what being in this place has done to help me ,i walk a fragile path in
this life of mine ,i have fran ,but worry so much about her.worrying times lay ahead but i will
be ok ,if that place of mine by the fire should ever be empty ,dont be sad ,i will always be there keeping the
warmth glowing alone or surrounded by my freinds ,,,,,,KEN XN728
Hi Onika ,quiet today you ok ,,,ken

[crystalgaze]

I'm okay. Thank you Ken....!

I'm glad you found a sanctuary finally... ^_^

It has been a long time coming; you more than deserve it.

It's so nice when something good--really great--can happen in your life....!

[Mich]

I, too am glad you have found a home here. I would be sad though if your place beside the fire was empty. Please keep yourself there as much as you can. I know sometimes there are things that must take you away temporarily but I always hope you will never be gone for long.

[lisalou]

I'm very glad to have my place by the fire too,this website has become a real lifeline,one of the first and last things i do each day,knowing there are such great supportive people here. ken,it certainly sounds like you've had a tough life but you have achieved so much,met and supported fran,fathered your two daughters who sound wonderful,every day you survive through such pain and yet continue to get through life and give hope to others is a triumph