a private conversation

[xn728]

what the hell

[Monty]

xn728,

Haven't posted to you for a while. I was away for a while and am now fighting back the depression myself.

You certainly aren't alone in having conversations going on in your head.

Mine were always called racing thoughts. I just couldn't stop them. Finally got to the point that I had to have the radio and tv both, on when I went to sleep at night to try to drown them out with something else.

Usually the thoughts, or conversations were very damaging to a already fragile ego. To put it frankly, I would pound the crap out of myself, over and over. The nighttimes were the worst because the rest of the world was silent.

So in answer to your question. A very resounding "yes" to your question.

[xn728]

HELLO MONTY

[crystalgaze]

Yes, I've had this too. It stopped, but I had to really work at it. I'm not sure how it happened. Really, I think it was luck. I would be such a wreck each time there was a convo. It was the worst.

There were nightmares, too, & if not that, then I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

I did all manner of things.... pray, talk back to it, use charms, scream a loud SHUT UP!!! with a combination of busying myself, burn incense + smoke myself, go outside if I were in doors, etc.

but the 1 thing that seemed to help the most: the neighbor's really nice dogs.... (two black dogs, 1 with a white fur patch, the other with a brown patch) I have no explanation for it....

[xn728]

thanks for your input

[crystalgaze]

Hhmm.... no dogs for you then.... Ouch! Sorry to hear. I wouldn't want to be bitten! A lot of people own vicious (?) dogs where I live.... (Is it that the dogs are vicious or did the people make them that way? I don't know.)

I understand what you are saying. I feel like I am evil but to be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I am yet. Young children never come near me. I don't know what it is they sense about me & that has been ever since I was a kid.

I stopped praying a long time ago as well; I just do my best to live the way I feel I should live that is the least harmful.

The 1 thing I've been trying to stop doing is curse. I don't curse in my head but out loud & some days it's real bad....

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I just wanted to reply to what you said. Take care Ken! ~Crystal

[Monty]

From reading your posts over the past few months, I think that many of feel very badly for how things are working out for you. In anything that I have read in your posts (and I am pretty sure that I have read all of them), and especially with your devotion to your wife Fran, that you are a good human being in which terrible things have been heaped on you.

I always look forward to reading the posts when I see that they are from you.

From past experience I know how it seems like you are floating in the universe, not worth anyone spending any time with. I couldn't win that one because I felt that once they figured out just what a terrible person I was, they would run away as fast as they could.

I don't think any of us are running from you.

Care about you Ken.

[xn728]

im deleting my posts ,have been doing this over the last week .im fading now nearly all gone .im the one who is running away ,,xn

[Monty]

Very much distressed over your last post.

Don't delete your postings, let us know what is really going on. I often say that we are here to listen.

Though this is not my place to say.

"Keep on, going on"

Ken, hope that we hear from you soon.

[xn728]

hi monty, ive left a couple of replys to some posts ,thought i,d make the effort, hope your feeling much better ,pick your self up and stand tall again ,,,,,,xn728 ken

[Mich]

XN728 - I wanted to thank you for a very thoughtful reply that you left to one of my posts. I really appreciated it and it really helped me get through the day. I hope you are not going away from here. I would like to read more of your posts to get to know you better. Mich.

[xn728]

thanks im very mixed up a lately,lots of problems ,but im not afraiad of the dark ,or the one i call my visitor xn728,,,,,,

[xn728]

r uss was a big part of my life up till the age 18 we rode motorcycles together ,illegal most of the time ,big triumphs ,bsa,s etc we would ride dirt bikes ,we lived and breathed these great machines .smashed us up more than once .but that was part of the thrill ,we came through childhood together always together we thought alike and acted alike we couldent be parted ,one night russ had been out drinking and when he returned home rather late .his father opened the door and said if he came in late again the door would remain locked ,russ was,nt one for confrountation so he just sat in the living room and watched tv ,his father had gone to bed /russ felt angry but he couldent understand this upsetting emotion ,he didnt know how to speak to his father ,so he thought he would do something to teach him a lesson ,wicth would make him leave him alone .so russ for some reason thought that if he set fire to the papers in the rack under the tv this would leave a mess in the morning and his father would see this and would be wary about telling russ off again .so russ lit the papers edge and went off upstairs to bed .russ drifted quickly into an angry and confused sleep ,the terrible shudder and the sound of the tv exploding and blowing the living room window into the back yard was the end of the road for russ he ran down stairs and opened the living room door it was like opening the gates of hell the fire licked along the ceiling very fast his mother shouted his name as she stood and looked in she knew he was responsable ,he stood in horror as the flames got larger the cieling was coming in now and everyone was in the street russ looked on in horror he knew what he had done even though it wasnt meant to be like this /it was all to much for this young puzzeld mind he would have to go now ,if he stayed he would be hounded forever,his future children he must leave this place his mam and dad his freinds his bikes his life /he had desroyed everything his parents had and now he would destroy himself , so the young russ took his middle name and became ken , and ken stood and watched russ as he slowly walked into the flames his dreams his hopes his innocense gone forever .ken moved away from this place and didnt make new friends but still has russ tattooed on his wrist ,i have never let this out before and dont no why im doing it now i must go now the keyboard is blured by tears please forgive me for this terrible thing i have done xn728

[xn728]

Not appropriate for the forums. This post has been deleted.

Warmsoul/Monderator

[xn728]

the post was only how a lot of people can feel ,we harbour these thoughts and they can hurt ,i felt by showing this there is nothing to fear ,depprestion lives within us and shows itself in many differant ways .
you and myself have shared posts before ,im so sorry you found this unfit
xn728,,,,,sorry