Where does the time go?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sat Oct 05, 2019 2:11 am

Where does the time go?

Postby jcb9513 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 5:22 am

Well I spent too long writing this the first time. I got logged out and it just disappeared lol. What a waste of energy. To summarize:

I have depression, have since childhood. (Wow, imagine that?)

Abusive former stepfather. Sadistic sociopath. Manipulative, gaslighting person. He never beat me, but he would smack me in the face, pushed me down stairs, pulled my earlobe so hard it detached, told me he killed my mom when she was late coming home from work, called me every bad word you could think of, to name a few things. All started when I was six years old. Gave me lots of issues. Yelling is a trigger for me, I have extremely poor self worth/esteem.

Luckily he only posed a threat when I was a small child, we've fought twice since I've been an adult and I've beat him both times without getting hit (boxing and mixed martial arts training). But the damage is done, and he won't even acknowledge that he abused me and my mom. He doesn't see it that way because he provided for me. As if that makes torturing a child most of their life ok.

The loss of an important relationship with a childhood friend three years ago. She was the love of my life but it didn't work out. Now she's getting married to a guy who looks like me. He and I used to work at the same place, everyone confused us. Makes me feel bad.

I wish we could still be friends but it's too painful seeing her with someone else. She's been really mean to me since we split and acts like it's all my fault it didn't work out. Part of it is for sure, but not all. Been with other girls since but I still love her, and end up thinking about her when I'm with someone else.

I would like to move on, but I've tried and it just hasn't happened yet. Knowing someone for so long and having genuine unconditional love for them makes it much more difficult. I want her to be happy, but I'd like to be as happy without her as she is without me.

My dad died two months ago. My life mirrors his in a lot if ways. His relationships never worked out either, especially with the love of his life (my mom). He had depression and anger like me. I don't have many regrets about our relationship, I just miss the goofy old guy. I do feel like he's at peace though.

I hate the direction my life has taken. The only work I can seem to find is construction, which I dislike. Not the work itself per se, the people. They all have the same personality that I unfortunately can't get along with or connect to.

They want to yell at me when I make a mistake, which triggers me and makes me feel like crap. They all listen to country music, which isn't that bad, but every other song is about heartbreak, which ruins my mood and reminds me of her. They want to talk about women sometimes too, which causes me the same problem.

I've never had a good boss. They all exploit their power over me in some way, and make me feel like I don't deserve to be paid, which is ridiculous. I have to survive somehow. I realize that's my problem for feeling that way, but still.

Went to college winter 2019, was gonna go back in the fall but dad's funeral was the day of orientation and I didn't have my financial aid set up and blah blah blah. I don't know if I want to go back anyway.

I have anhedonia, I don't feel enjoyment or pleasure doing things I used to. Like playing music, or exercising.

I hate my room. It's upstairs, always hot, smells musty, is small and prison like. Potentially haunted.

I have suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't do that to my family. My love for the girl I mentioned is ultimately what led me to believe in God and want to follow Jesus. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes I feel so bad that I wish I could die, or simply not exist.

I trust in God's will, but that doesn't mean I always enjoy it. In fact I'm often at odds with it. Job had it much worse than me, and handled it better. Sometimes I feel so bad I get mad at God, but I always end up apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I feel like He understands why I lash out when I'm in pain.

I just want to be a better person, and I want to break out of this cycle of bullshit I've been trapped in. I honestly don't think that I'm meant to be with someone, get married and have children. I could be wrong, but it just feels that way. My worst sin has always been lust. I haven't been able to let go of it yet though.

This is more of an attempt to vent than asking for advice. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Take care of yourselves. We're all in this shit together. One day, I believe that it'll all be ok.

Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Where does the time go?

Postby Spleefy » Sun Oct 06, 2019 6:07 am

Thanks for sharing, I hope you are feeling better.

I’m sure things will be okay. Life is dynamic and so are we, so change is inevitable. When and how quickly things get better depends largely on ourselves: our resiliency, determination, willingness to change, open-mindedness, access to resources, resourcefulness, and so forth.

So hang in there, things will be okay at some point.

Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: Where does the time go?

Postby MiddleChild » Mon Oct 07, 2019 10:19 pm

It is always good to vent rather than keeping it all bottled up. I am thankful for these forums, at least now we have avenues for venting anonymously which earlier generations never had. Maybe one day you might want to consider going to a pastor and getting some counseling. When I was down I got help, advice and friendship from a pastor and several volunteers at a nearby church. Many churches today (but not all, of course) are proactive about helping others, even just having a chat over a cup of coffee. Believing in God is a very important step in many people I know who have gotten peace and joy even if they were still in the same situation. Just hang in there and I agree with your last statement. Take care.

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