Venting

[Sbrenn01]

Hello,
I don't imagine my life situation is atypical. I'm older (60) and contrary to what I imagined when I was younger, I haven't figured out very much about life, people or myself.
I was 22 when I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease. 10 years later I got really ill, and when the smoke cleared I was missing almost all of my ilium and half of my colon. I came really close to dying. I've had additional health issues: knee problems, MRSA, kidney cancer resulting in loss of a rib and half of my left kidney. I'm on 20+ medications every day, including meds for hypertension, oral diabetes meds, self-administered B12 shots, 2 strong pain medications and medication for anxiety and depression.
I was a child during the 60s and early 70s in a very progressive region of the country and I received mixed and contradictory information with respect to mores, culture, proper behavior and beliefs. I loathed school; it wasn't a good environment for an endlessly curious, hyperactive child. I was introduced to "recreational" smoking in middle - junior high school.
I've always been socially awkward; I'm sure a great part of this stems from being bullied in the first 8 years of school, which led to the inevitable truancy once I realized I didn't "have" to go to school.
The world was a different place back then. Our high school had a designated student smoking area/student lounge.
Fast forward. Now, I'm disabled and cannot work due to so many physical issues. I am in a marriage to a woman that I have very little in common with. When we first met both of us were single parents and joining forces to raise the children together made good sense; in fact this turned out well for the children who are now out of the house and either working, in school etc and living their own lives.
The trouble is that we now have very little in common. We have different interests, and there is very little that we have in common. At one point I suggested a trial separation. This was a bad idea. My wife promised to make my life a living hell, promised I would be financially destroyed and I would regret it for the rest of my life. Since I have very little in the way of assets or "rich relatives" I know that's not how I want to spend the time I have left living in a tent somewhere.
My life is essentially an existence. I have no social life. The one close friend I had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly. It was a catastrophic event. It's very hard to find and make friends at this stage of life. I'm not very good in social situations. Once a person gets to know me I'm more relaxed, funny and loyal.
In an attempt to broaden my horizons I returned to school. I now have two Associate degrees. One is in Applied Science and the other is in the Arts. I very much enjoy learning, and I would love to teach. Sadly, I don't have that magic piece of paper that would allow me to do so. I did apply to, and was accepted to two schools. One is private and the other is a State school. Even though I had high enough grades to be offered reduced tuition, the remaining fees are way beyond my means. I cannot afford the risk of student loans as I likely won't be around long enough to pay them off. And I can only maintain a half time schedule due to my physical limitations and age.
So, I live in the cage of my body. There's very little to look forward to. My life has no purpose. I try to look for meaning, a reason to get out of bed. It's very depressing to feel ill all of the time. It's depressing to recognize that there's no disposable income available for a change of pace or mini-vacation. My life is groundhog day, and I'm very weary.
I'm sure this isn't the most coherent post out there. I typed a lot and neglected to save my drafts often enough. This resulted in a less eloquent, disjointed post. Thank you for reading it. I hope people out there don't make the mistakes I did, and have lives that give them meaning and a sense of fulfillment instead of emptiness and despair.

[homegnome]

Hi Sbreen
I can relate to some of the things you shared, I guess that's why these sites can help.
I'm amazed that you can get out of bed in the morning with all that you are experiencing
You sound very courageous to me.
Loneliness and poverty make everything seem impossible
I understand all about loneliness and poverty, just as crippling as the depression itself
Sbreen you are not alone

[Spleefy]

Hi Sbrenn01,

Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. I think a lot of people, especially younger folks, will be able to take away something from your story. If anything, it may help others to put their own lives into perspective… there is always someone worse off.

This is not to trivialize what the rest of us go through, but it just helps us to not take what good we do have in our lives (especially our health) for granted.

I’m sorry to hear about your close friend. It is a shame that you and your wife are not as close as one would expect from a marriage mate. What made you marry her? Was it always this way? Or did either you or her change over time?

Is there a way to re-establish or establish a connection? Perhaps that can be a goal? It might give your life some meaning.

Congratulations on getting your Associate degrees. It’s great that you are trying to find meaning in your life and to broaden your horizons.

In my country, we can undertake an approved full-time study and the government will give us a loan. You only need to make repayments towards the debt when your income reaches a certain threshold. This is an excellent incentive to undertake study and helps people with little money to achieve their educational and career goals.

Perhaps they have a similar program in your country.

I agree with homegnome in that you are courageous. It takes courage and resilience to endure the trials you face with your health, relationships, and other life struggles.

[Sbrenn01]

Thank you homegnome and spleefy for your responses. I wasn't really sure that anyone would read my post, let alone reply.
My marriage was a somewhat rushed event. I had just fought through a four year divorce that broke me both financially and emotionally. My first marriage was 18 years. Finally I couldn't take working 60+ hours a week with much of the time spent out of town (I was a Field Engineer for a medical device company) only to come home to learn my wife had a very expensive gambling addiction, and that my children were being neglected in the process. My ex's father was an attorney. It was a bad time.
I believe both my new wife and I didnt spend enough time getting to know one another before tying the knot. We both recognized that we were essentially single parents who needed parental assistance; I worked in the field and my wife had her own state-licenced, in-home daycare. I had the relief of knowing my children would be cared for, my wife had the income and my medical etc. benefits. The issues between us became apparent as the children grew up and left the nest. Once I became disabled (after the kidney cancer surgeries) we've been in close proximity. My wife is a good woman; she is strong-willed and energetic. She was raised in a provincial region of Texas and largely avoided the mixed messages I had living in the Boston area during the mid-60s to mid-70s (which provided me with starkly opposing opinions. On one hand there was the tune in, turn-on, drop out mentality of my peers and older kids I looked up to vs. "The Establishment").
I was quite the pothead as a youth. I don't think I did myself any favors in retrospect.
Of course, all of this is in the past.
Now, I wish I could just have one day without going to the potty every 2-3 hours, the cramps from my stricture, the pain of my left-side ventral hernia, two bad knees, missing abdominal muscles, and, MOST of ALL the general feeling of weakness that prevents me from doing anything like I used to.
As a youngster I walked and ran a lot. I had no license and used foot-power to go everywhere. I had strong legs that I was proud of. Sadly that was taken away when I lost so much weight prior to the Crohn's diagnosis. I'm 5'9" and when I was admitted to the hospital I weighed 112 Lbs. There was a visible gap between my thighs when I held my knees together.
At 60, I know I'm not going to get stronger, healthier or have an improved quality of life.
Back in 1993, after a close brush with death, the doctors and nurses told me "you're a miracle patient, God has kept you alive for a reason!"

Twenty six years later, I still don't know what that reason is.

[Spleefy]

Hi Sbreen01,

You’ve certainly had your fair share of trials and tribulations. I’m in awe of how you’ve endured so much. I can really see why you said, “my life has no purpose.” Is it any wonder why you feel this way with what you have and continue to endure with your health, financial hardship, relationship breakdowns and divorce.

Health is so important. A lot of people put so much emphasis on material things and the pursuit of money. But when I read your story and see how much you’ve had to endure, especially with your health… my heart just breaks for you.

I think your story acts as an important reminder that there are more important things in life than money--such as healthy relationships and good health. Your story really does act as an important reminder to not take things for granted. I also think your story of courage, strength, and resilience will inspire many others to find theirs through their own hardships. So thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

I wish I could pray to Jehovah God for a miraculously cure of your ailments… alas, I know it doesn’t work this way. But I will pray to Jehovah to give you comfort, support, love, endurance, strength, and peace in the heart and mind.

I’m not sure if you are a spiritual person. But what I find brings me immense comfort is hope of the new world in which there will be no suffering, no more tears, no heartaches, and no sickness. This is what God promised us, and so I chose to believe in this promise—to hold on to hope. We all need to hang onto something.

In this lifetime, because there is so much suffering, I pray to Jehovah and throw all my anxiety upon him because I know he cares—1 Peter 5:7.

Coming to know God has actually helped me to overcome a lot of my own life problems. It has also given me new life, hope of a better future, and purpose. Who knows, it may help you to find yours.

I hope you find purpose in life. I believe you have a lot to offer, even in your situation. Who knows, maybe you are still here with us today because you do have something to offer that you are not yet aware of.

[Prycejosh1987]

Hello,
I don't imagine my life situation is atypical. I'm older (60) and contrary to what I imagined when I was younger, I haven't figured out very much about life, people or myself.
I was 22 when I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease. 10 years later I got really ill, and when the smoke cleared I was missing almost all of my ilium and half of my colon. I came really close to dying. I've had additional health issues: knee problems, MRSA, kidney cancer resulting in loss of a rib and half of my left kidney. I'm on 20+ medications every day, including meds for hypertension, oral diabetes meds, self-administered B12 shots, 2 strong pain medications and medication for anxiety and depression.
I was a child during the 60s and early 70s in a very progressive region of the country and I received mixed and contradictory information with respect to mores, culture, proper behavior and beliefs. I loathed school; it wasn't a good environment for an endlessly curious, hyperactive child. I was introduced to "recreational" smoking in middle - junior high school.
I've always been socially awkward; I'm sure a great part of this stems from being bullied in the first 8 years of school, which led to the inevitable truancy once I realized I didn't "have" to go to school.
The world was a different place back then. Our high school had a designated student smoking area/student lounge.
Fast forward. Now, I'm disabled and cannot work due to so many physical issues. I am in a marriage to a woman that I have very little in common with. When we first met both of us were single parents and joining forces to raise the children together made good sense; in fact this turned out well for the children who are now out of the house and either working, in school etc and living their own lives.
The trouble is that we now have very little in common. We have different interests, and there is very little that we have in common. At one point I suggested a trial separation. This was a bad idea. My wife promised to make my life a living hell, promised I would be financially destroyed and I would regret it for the rest of my life. Since I have very little in the way of assets or "rich relatives" I know that's not how I want to spend the time I have left living in a tent somewhere.
My life is essentially an existence. I have no social life. The one close friend I had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly. It was a catastrophic event. It's very hard to find and make friends at this stage of life. I'm not very good in social situations. Once a person gets to know me I'm more relaxed, funny and loyal.
In an attempt to broaden my horizons I returned to school. I now have two Associate degrees. One is in Applied Science and the other is in the Arts. I very much enjoy learning, and I would love to teach. Sadly, I don't have that magic piece of paper that would allow me to do so. I did apply to, and was accepted to two schools. One is private and the other is a State school. Even though I had high enough grades to be offered reduced tuition, the remaining fees are way beyond my means. I cannot afford the risk of student loans as I likely won't be around long enough to pay them off. And I can only maintain a half time schedule due to my physical limitations and age.
So, I live in the cage of my body. There's very little to look forward to. My life has no purpose. I try to look for meaning, a reason to get out of bed. It's very depressing to feel ill all of the time. It's depressing to recognize that there's no disposable income available for a change of pace or mini-vacation. My life is groundhog day, and I'm very weary.
I'm sure this isn't the most coherent post out there. I typed a lot and neglected to save my drafts often enough. This resulted in a less eloquent, disjointed post. Thank you for reading it. I hope people out there don't make the mistakes I did, and have lives that give them meaning and a sense of fulfillment instead of emptiness and despair.

You can still find ways to enjoy your life and make the most of it.