by AnneW » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:42 am
This post is listed in Introductions.
I am dangerously depressed in that I feel physically ill and cannot function. Everyday I slip a little further. I am physically ill.
I'm here because I foolishly moved 1200 miles from my family and 2 months later found I have a rare form of leukemia. One that probably won't kill me but it certainly will torture me. Now they think, or they are looking for, a mutation (another rarity) because my blood tests are off....The prognosis is good so far (they have not tested for the mutations yet-another bone marrow biopsy.) Chances are the cancer won't kill me but the chemo has affected my heart. Heart disease runs in my family. My left ventricle is enlarged now and theres valve regurgitation and I'm treated for Atrial fibrillation. They have reduced my chemo by half as a result. Still, my life evolves around a shoe-box of meds. I know my best days are behind me. My future is filled with.....I don't know. No one knows. I did sign up to contribute to research. Some blood goes to the research lab each time I go to the Cancer Center. If I have this mutation maybe they can use my case as a study to help someone else. I would like that very much. We drive 2 hours to go to this large Research and Cancer Treatment Center. I think that Doctors and Scientists are heroes. They have saved my life thus far. I probably would not be here had I not received treatment.
I had troubles before. Anxiety....depression....PTSD, insomnia...wrong place at the wrong time; bad mojo....now this illness is really sucking the life out of me. I am very depressed. It would be very easy to numb my mind and body with drugs but I do not. Nothing really helps and that sort of thing changes nothing.
I'm alone most of the time. I am married. Naturally he works to support us and I feel utterly useless. I told my Husband today that I thought he drew a short straw. He did not disagree. I told him, (because at that moment I was angry, sullen and crying,) that euthanasia would be a kindness at this point for both of us. (He said "not for me." <3 )
I've never told anyone these types of thoughts. Telling him was not something I wanted to do but he deserved a real explanation. How can you live with another person and love them and internalize such thoughts? He deserved an explanation. I have these thoughts nearly everyday. You know.....it would be better if I never woke up. That sort of thing, but, would it? I'd be gone and it would hurt people I love, people who love me. People I miss so terribly. I would miss out on life! Life is a gift, right???
In truth, and I told him, I cannot hurt myself. It is not an option. It seems so contrary. My will to live is so strong yet I am completely and utterly miserable, disparaged and cannot breathe. I feel bereaved; bereft.
I've tried meeting people. I play a little guitar and started a musical group, I paint....try to make a little $....but I can no longer feel anything but despair. I want to go home and be in the mountains, on my horse with my friends, my family, my sister, daughter......add to that a very bad, high crime area and what you get is an agoraphobic hopeless human being. People need joy in their hearts from somewhere don't they?? I can't live like this. Tiny bits, glimpses of life, in the way of laughter...my kitty playing, my beautiful horse waiting for me......every now and then I get a small reminder. I wish so much my Mother were still alive because I really need her.
How's this for irony: 2 of my meds indicate I cannot be in the sun or eat grapefruit. I moved to FLORIDA!!!! There's a ruby red grapefruit tree in my backyard (my FAV) and I cannot even eat one!! Seriously???
You can't make this stuff up!! In my heart I know it is penance for I have not always made the right decisions. I've made decisions that have hurt people. So I've come to believe this is my "sentence." I am in a very dark place. Other people (some, not all,) march through cancer running marathons. They beat it. I'm ashamed that I cannot. I'm no champion. I'm broken. And, apparently, a great big cry-baby. Other people have it much worse. Why can't I internalize that? I'm lucky in so many ways. I know that logically. Why can't I feel it??? Some say something about a new normal. There's nothing normal at all about this. It's like the floor dropped out and all my hopes and dreams......right down the drain.
Well. Thank-You. If you made it this far you've endured my pity-party. The truth is I am screaming for help! Cancer seems so isolating and lonely. 3 years and two months. Hopefully I will have a couple of decades and maybe I will even find a warm golden place (the Arctic Circle???) and joy will once again touch my heart. May Joy and Love and Laughter forever touch your heart! ❤️
I wish you all the best that life has to offer! XOXOX