I'm normal. I don't have any illness and my family is not falling apart. I have great friends and I enjoy school. I have no reason to feel the way I do, but here I am. Feeling like I have no purpose and in an instant my whole world is going to fall apart. Feeling as though I'm holding myself together with tape and glue. Feeling like I can't breathe and talking to people is too much to handle.
A couple of years ago, when I started feeling this way, I would sit in the shower. I sat there because there wasn't any sort of motivation in me to will myself to stand up. And I would sit there, legs hugged to my chest. I felt the warmth from the water, but I couldn't feel anything else. I would stare at the tile and just sit there. When I would begin to regain feeling, I would wash my hair, and then get out.
Sitting in the shower was how I measured myself on how I was doing. On days that I didn't sit in the shower, I told myself I was doing well. On days that I did, I told myself that it was a bad day. It was a gauge for me on how I was doing.
About a year ago, I stopped sitting in the shower. Nothing really changed, but for some reason, I just felt better. I didn't want to waste my showers just sitting there. I told myself I was getting better. That I was on my way up.
I don't know who is going to read this, if anyone. I don't know who to talk to about this anymore. I had a friend, but I feel as though I can't lay all of this on her because she has a lot of her own problems that she needs to handle. But I've started sitting in the shower again.
I want to be okay. I don't want to be lying in bed, staring at my ceiling for hours. I feel so alone, and I feel like no one knows how to handle it. If I tell someone, they're going to start walking on tiptoes and filtering what they say around me. I don't want to be looked at differently. I just want someone to know. Someone to text me and ask if I'm okay. Someone to be there when I'm feeling this way. Someone to encourage me to not sit in the shower. Someone to understand.
If someone does read this, thank you. Thank you for listening to me.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
Perhaps you could try sitting in the shower for shorter periods of time even if it's just a couple tenths of a second. Maybe it might help to do the same thing when you're lying on your bed. Eventually those tens of seconds will add up to seconds, which in turn will add up to minutes. just take it in small steps
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