I am tired of this old hat!

[Poseidon500]

Hello everyone. My real name is Steve. I'm 42 years old, and no matter what I do, my depressive episodes continue.

But I think that's the whole point. Depression is an illness and it doesn't fully go away. Medications are treatments NOT cures. I am on my medication right now and today I feel horrible.

I remember the day it happened. One day when I was about 12 or 13, I realized how screwed up human society as a whole really is. That is also around the time the bullying started, and of course, suffering from undiagnosed at the time, anxiety/depression, you can imagine who much such a thing could have taken a toll on me. I had no support, and I was even emotionally abused by my at the time, very VERY cruel older sister and a very insensitive father.

Anyhow, ever since I have suffered from bouts of depression. It didn't start to take a dangerous turn until 2006, at which point I seriously considered killing myself. I was guilt ridden because I raged out at my family for no real reason other than just because I was so stressed out and depressed. I believed there was no hope for me. Only the thought of hurting them even further stopped me from pulling that trigger. How would my brother explain to my nieces about what happened to uncle Steve... and what would happen to my poor brother, who also suffers from depression as well.

I chose to go to an emergency room that day instead. I explained to the doctor how I have already tried SSRI's and none were effective. I also tried Effexor, which did nothing but give me unacceptable side effects. I mentioned Wellbutrin to him and how it was the only medication I have not tried yet. Long story short, the Wellbutrin worked!

Well it worked for a period of time, until around 2011, when my depression hit so hard again that I contemplated suicide once again. This time i ended up in a psychiatric unit for about 5 or 6 days. They figured I got too used to the dose of Wellbutrin I was taking and the Psych decided to up the dosage. IT worked but I still have episodes of depression when under stress.

Lately, since July 1st, I have been feeling very sad and I find I cannot keep my composure. I weep on and off and I couldn't even stay at work this morning. My current girlfriend and I had an argument and we BOTH overreacted a bit. I've been messed up ever since. We didn't break up and she apologized and said that we were good, but I still cannot shake the horrible feeling. I thought she was going to kill herself and I cracked. She also suffers from previous traumas and I love her dearly, regardless of those issues.

And here I am now, an absolute mess, unable to concentrate or keep my composure. I went to work this morning and I couldn't keep it together. I am a LPN who works with alzhiemers/dementia patients and I would have been no use to anybody there today.

I am just glad that there is a this forum here so I can at least discuss these things with those who suffer. At least I am not alone.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

[sousui94]

Hi Steve. My story started out pretty much the same as yours. Human society, family issues, suicide, bullying. I am 25 and am trying to figure out my life. But you seemed to have done okay for yourself. Good job and a understanding and loving girlfriend. Just take it one day at a time man, that's all we can do. Try not to listen to that inner voice, and just remember that the feelings will pass and there are people who love you.

[Poseidon500]

Hi there and thanks for responding.

Like I said in the title, my depression issue is an old hat. I only wish I could tear it off my head. LOL

I have learned over the years to separate my thoughts from my emotions. That "inner voice" of depression is only a delusion and I do my best to ignore it. Lately I have been successful. I no longer let my depressive emotions control my actions or behavior towards others. However the impromptu crying is a bit annoying for me personally. Right now at the moment, I feel emotionally fine,(besides some embarrassment and paranoia, which is only the depression talking) but my body aches and I can't sleep. Experience has taught me that this is a sign that it is not over yet and I know when I talk to a councilor, the emotions are going to fly.

My point is, it IS an old hat for me. I have learned many coping skills. Yes the suicidal ideation is still there when I have depressive episodes, but the intention is not there at all. Hopefully I can learn more skills here and maybe, at the risk of sounding cocky, some of the members here can benefit from my experience as well.

But for now, the old hat is stuck on tight. I see my family doctor tomorrow, and a councilor from an assistance program at work is going to call me as well. I know what to do when this happens to me, even if I do feel like a depressive wreck at the time. This morning when I found this forum, I was a total mess. Tears running, me sitting in my chair holding my head and rocking. Learning to deal with it is essential to survival.

[Glad2bme]

Maybe something I've picked up along the way will help you sort out a bit more. You seem like you have several bits in order already.

The part that stood out for me is this:

IT worked but I still have episodes of depression when under stress.

People with chronic depression can have it on the back burner at all times and occassionally when stress pops up the heat gets turned up and it boils over. Your skills keep it effectively at bay most times, but somedays you are like EVERYONE else and your ability to manage every bit and piece just falls apart and you fall into the pit of despair.

Situational depression like being worried that someone you love is thinking about suicide would impact ANYONE but when a person HAS an actual diagnosis it's easy to forget that part.

Feeling responsible to deal with our depression makes us forget that sometimes it's OK to have a bad day here and there. Just because we are on meds doesn't make it all go away and realistically, same thing for the rest of the world. Some days people aren't their best selves and they make amends and move on to another day. No one is perfect.

Another thing that is easy to do is to compare our inside self to other people's outside appearence and usually with depressed people we draw the conclusion that others are dealing better with their lives than we are. NOT always the case. Someone seeing us on a good day might think the same.