Hi, In need of someone to talk to.

[colto88]

Hi My name is Kayleigh, I'm 25 and I should be happy, I have a pretty good life at the moment and I am happy with what i've got but I'm not happy as myself. I have felt down for as long as I can remember, I have issues with my confidence and have real problems making friends.

I love my life, I have a gorgeous son and a great partner I am marrying next month but I HATE myself, I have no one to talk to and I don't know why, I got badly bullied as a teenager and this is all I can think of. I won't leave the house on my own and I should be excited about my wedding but the thought of being centre of attention makes me feel physically sick. I tried explaining this to my partner but he doesnt understand and thinks i'm just a bit nervous. Then I feel guilty for feeling down all the time when I know I have a good life and that others have it a lot worse than me.

Sorry for going on I'm just scared to tell anyone I know and don't want to see a Dr, My Fiance thinks I have depression but I try to hide my real feelings from him.

[Frame]

Hi colto;
This is a good place to share your troubles when you can't hold them in. I believe that depression is a reaction to stress. There may be some that your unaware of or not ready to deal with. Nonetheless a wedding is a huge stress all by itself. So you have a right to feel stressed and assuming it's on top of other stresses (You mentioned you won't leave your house alone. So there is something underneath that.) then depression is natural.

The question is how to deal with it in way that's healthy for you and your family. This forum is a good start. If your not ready for a doctor, don't feel shy about using this forum in whatever way works, to protect the stability of your son, yourself, and your family.

You can express your self in a number of ways, at any hour. Check out the various categories. Tell us how things go. Your safe here.
Welcome;
Frame

[colto88]

Hi Frame

Thanks for your reply and your welcome.

I have felt this way since around the age of 14, as I said I got relentlessly bullied at school and that is the only reason I can think of for feeling this way and I try to be happy and appreciate what i've got (I do appreciate it) but I just feel like everyone is talking about me and laughing at me if I go anywhere so I don't go anywhere unless i'm with someone, I haven't for years. My son is 2 and since he was born i've gone out even less, I got the confidence to get a part time job but found it really difficult to interact with anyone, anytime I try to make conversation with people I get like a mental block and that only adds to my feelings, then Probably because I stupidly clam up with people I overheard people talking about me saying they wondered if i was "all there in the head." and laughing about how I ever could have got close enough to my partner to have a child. I ran out of the place in tears and haven't been able to go back and have got worse since - I am at home all day every day with my son while my fiance is at work and I now can't even bring myself to walk to the local shop with bread and milk on my own with my son - I am petrefied with how I'll cope with the wedding, I want to Marry my fiance more than anything and have no fear over the actual marriage part but I can't even walk in a shop without feeling people are laughing at me so I don't know what i'll do then and i'm dreading walking down the aisle with everyone watching me and doing the first dance with everyone watching.

I just feel like I have a flashing light over my head saying "wierdo" that everyone can see. I am scared to go to the Doctor as I feel like they will laugh at me as well or get annoyed at me thinking I'm a waste of their time.

[Frame]

Well, your not wasting our time. This is what we're here for. You might have to wait a bit longer sometimes for a response, people are listening.

By the way, one of the ways I get through the day... no wait.... I guess two of the ways I get through the day are:

Yes I'm weird. Yes I'm strange. I can sense you don't want to be, perhaps not so much strange as different. But we are all different and we are all the same. It's important to realize one difference; the people that mock, that bully, that gossip are weaker and have a less mature self image than you do. They are trying to push you down in order to pick their own selves up. It's OK to be different. I'll be weird, but I don't want to be like that.

So I try to embrace my weirdness (It's one of my strengths and yours too; see, they don't want to acknowledge your strengths). We need to cherish our differences. But we are all the same too. We all have weaknesses. Those people who put you down, you don't have to be their friend. But they are human like you. They're not perfect and you don't have to feel they better than you. They are not.

So:
1. We are different and that's good. And you are good.
2. We are the same and that's OK. We are all imperfect. You don't have to feel small or alone.

I don't know if this rambling helps. Sometimes I just blab what comes into my head, distracts me from work.
Frame

[fallen]

hypnotherapy can help with many things , giving up smoking , anger ,anxiety, confidence etc.......
it has helped me, there are no pills to take ,it is natural, and you do not come out quaking like a duck.
you can hear the words the hypnotherapist is saying .
it will help on your wedding day to give you confidence. and tone down your negative internal voice....
we all think that people are talking about us ,or judging us for how we look, but the reality is they do not care or do not even notice you as they are caught up in the dialogue of their own life and self importance.
take care

[Alaska1958]

I've read a lot of people's description of their lives and have often felt that I had no business feeling depressed when so many have suffered so much more than I. I've had a pretty easy half century of life with loving family, good, caring coworkers anda ffew really good friends. But I too endured quite a bit of bullying in public school. From the time I was around six until the end of high school there were always other boys who wanted to see if they could push me around. I always hated confrontation of that type and hated those boys. I still remember them much better than any friends I had.

It was 40 years ago that I started calling the local crisis line and have been seeking help ever since then. God, I sound pathetic saying that, but it's true.

You are not alone. Don't ever think you are. Hold your little one close, the only thing I live for are my sons. They don't keep me from getting depressed, but it means so much to me to have them here and have someone to cook for, to watch tv with (we love the Big Bang Theory) and to do for. For myself it is vitally important to feel useful, wanted and liked.

Good luck my friend

[kateywatey]

What is 'normal' anyway? I live in a city where its all about how thin you are, fake boobs, tan, teeth, muscles etc. I tried to fit to this criteria and it only made me more unhappy. You are not 'weird' or 'strange', you are YOU! And there is absolutely no reason in this world why you should change that. If people are laughing at you, then let them. For someone to have to critisize and bully someone, it means they are suffering themselves. And they do not yet know how it feels to be truly happy or comfortable with themselves because they are comparing themselves, trying to make themselves feel better. Own who you are. The only person you have to impress is yourself. Be your own best friend. Love yourself.

It might not be a bad idea to go to your local GP and tell them how you are feeling. Medication is not the answer, but it can help, especially with your wedding coming up. And they can refer you on to speak to someone. The help is there if you want it. Dont be embarrassed and dont be ashamed. Asking for help takes courage. But once you do it, you will feel automatically better. This is no way to live my darling girl, especially at 25. I am also 25 and I know your struggle. You are beautiful and unique and I want you to see that. I havent even met you and I know it!

If you ever need to talk or want to work through some strategies to start healing, please PM me.

Lots of love and healing energy being sent your way.
Kate.