I feel like I'm not who I'm supposed to be.

[unholysiren]

This is my first time here, but I needed soemone to talk to, even if no one responds I just needed to get this off my chest because there is no one else I feel safe telling it to.

I'm 22 years old and I have a four year old son and a boyfriend of over 5 years. I've always suffered with depression and anxiety. I had started to feel better in 2011, like my life was going somewhere, but at the end of 2011 I lost my son, he was stillborn at 36 weeks. Ever since I just feel like this is not supposed to be my life. I'm not supposed to be with my boyfriend, living here, and associating with the people I am around. I have to wear a mask 24/7, because my boyfriend is so afraid that I will suddenly fall back into the hands of deep depression. He absolutely hates me being depressed, but I don't know what to do about it. I have so many feelings I just can't express to him because of this. At this point, I've become so tired of my friends that I've let all of them go. I can't even stand talking to my mother anymore.

Here is my current issue:
For the past couple of weeks I just feel like I don't want this life. I want to go out into the world, and actually do something. Yes, a part of me thinks that having the normal married life is a great way to live, but I get these overwhelming feelings that I don't belong here. I can't just up and leave, we have been together for so long and I really do love him, so I don't want to hurt him. It would break his heart if I left. Part of me wants to stay and try to become happy with this life again, but the other part just wants to run away as fast as I can go. We have worked very hard to get to this point.

i just got a good job that is going to help us with buying a car, paying all our bills, and buying a house in the near future. We have talked about doing this and getting this far for so long, so why don't I want it now? He said to me once before that every time we start to get somewhere I get depressed and I do wonder if I'm just afraid of all this.

I just don't know what to do or what to think anymore, I can't even express my sadness and hopelessness to him or anyone else, for fear of them telling him about it. Keeping it bottled up inside is not healthy, and it just makes me more depressed. I don't even know if I'm here asking for advice or if I just want someone to know. But, thanks for reading anyway.

[fallen]

i am so sorry that you lost your baby for that alone you need to see a professional or an organisation dealing with the loss of babies.
what you have to ask yourself is that the way you are feeling is it because of you loosing your baby, are you just trying to run away from your hurt, because the problem is it will still follow you.
know that someone cares and the people on here are really nice.
take care

[mistystarshine]

I'm sorry that you've lost your son.
Keeping emotions in isn't healthy. Try to find ways to vent them, like writing, drawing, or maybe going to a private spot (preferably outside) and screaming. Maybe telling someone would be a good idea. Why not talk to your boyfriend? Yes, he hates you when you're depressed, but I think that's only because he's worried about you.
About your current issues....
Maybe you could join a community service or something? Go outside and get some exercise and fresh air. Start a fundraiser for something. Donate to a charity?
And you really should do the job that you have right now. You really could buy a car, pay all of your bills, and get a house in the future. Don't be afraid of it, because it'll be good.

I'm sorry if my advice isn't very good; I haven't had much experience with giving it. I hope you feel better in the future!

[dougsan]

Don't throw away the job opportunity. It offrers financial freedom and when you find your way out of your depression, and you will if you really want to, financial freedom will be such a positive high!

Why do you wear a mask around your BF? Do you mean a make-believe mask, that you hide your depression when around him? If this is what you mean, sit the bastard down and explain to him you are ill and need his unqualified support. If he can't deal with you as you are he has to have a change of attitude.

If I was a betting man, and I am, I'd wager dollars against donut holes you are suffereing from PTSD as a result of the loss of your baby (it breaks my heart to think of you experiencing the loss with no support group). Talk to a minister, care giver, people in the social welfare dept. of your hospital about getting mental and physical support. This is not a battle to be fought alone. You need help. It might be useful for you to choose a member of this forum as a friend/mentor to talk with about your challenges.