May Day

[Blackswan]

Cher internet,
Depression and truth are so alike, its hilarious, both never seem to leave you, once you enter you can't check out. Once you know the truth, you are forever tainted, and once you get depressed, some part of you will always be depressed and chase you on the days light seems to have left the small little world we seem to have created. I don’t remember when I first got depressed but it still chases me, always lurking around, that bastard.

As I sit here writing this, I don’t know If I am depressed again or if this is really the end, as a child, a small sapling of 16 tiny years, the possibilities of future kept me going for a long time, that one day I will be sitting under the lampshade on a bench, alone, at the central park as the New York snow surrounds me, in my bright red coat and a lovely hat (cues in Skating in the Central Park-Bill Evans) , I knew it, that this was my dream, and still is. I knew it when I get that moment, I would have found peace. I have it all to reach there now, why can’t I then? What’s wrong? Why I am sitting here, with a depression forum on my screen, crying it all after a long time, because I can’t hold on anymore? Did I really give up? I went through so much pain to just give up? Maybe.

First time I fooled myself that I haven’t given up(shh but I had) was probably more than a year ago, a couple of rough words, and hurt eyes looking at you for a week , and this wasn’t a lot considering what I have already faced in my younger years, but how much it affected me who knew. Just couple of words and glossy eyed painful mirrors did it. They broke me.

After that small spat, I failed, got myself into a lot of trouble. I let myself pulled down, I couldn’t hold on, but I lied to myself so much used the victim card as an excuse to keep falling down when necessary and denying any hand that wanted to save me. Don’t pity me, I got enough pity, or empathise no I don’t feel anything at all most days so its fine, but I did give up, that New York dream probably won’t ever happen, who knows. I don’t know what to do with me anymore. I don’t even know how to kill myself; last attempt was so stupid makes me laugh thinking about it. I am so sorry to everyone and myself.


I gave up.


Haha I don’t even know what to type here on. It's been rough day. Going to sleep and deal with me tomorrow. (:


Love
Swan

[Searching Freedom]

I gave up too. Maybe we should do a group or something. I don’t think the two of us are the only ones that gave up.

I don’t know what you feel right now, don’t know if you want any advice (not that I am capable of giving any) or to read others experiences.

Maybe you want to be found. You want that dream to come true. You want to be saved. To enjoy a fresh start. But this entire journey is rather very painful and horrible then anything else the first years.

I moved. In a random city. I had problems with my step father, i kinda had the feeling that he might threw me out of his house. I didn’t exactly know what to do or where to go. One night I dreamt that I will move to a certain city and when I woke up that was what I did. I moved immediately there. I was completely alone and it was really hard. I don’t regret it at all. But… I am still followed by my demons. My depression. As you said. It never truly goes away. And now I am living the dream I had when I was younger. I used to wish so badly to go as far as possible from my step dad and I couldn’t. Now I am free from him, but I am not free from the past, negative thoughts, wishing to kill myself, memories and so on. Its harder then I thought.

Trust me. If you aren’t happy where you are, you won’t be happy anywhere. Ever. Happiness… that sense of having a purpose, peace… everything comes from within.
I have all the reasons to be happy here… but I’ve never wanted to die as much as I want now. There are a few little things that still keep me going. I just don’t know for how long.

Sorry for this long message.
Basically I wrote this so that I could tell you at the end that if you’d like, we could talk also in private. If you need someone to talk to. Not good at giving advice. Maybe I can interest you with some sarcastic comments, but thats all. This world is pretty hard to live in, I don’t see why we can’t be there for each other.

[Blackswan]

Hello (:

Wasn't sure how to respond back, considering i have been contemplating suicide past couple of days, i didnt want to be that pillar of support who doesnt know how to find balance back, let alone offer some support to others. And end up with both of us falling down. I feel much stable now.

Thank you for responding meant a lot to me. It's nice to meet you btw <3

((((((((((((((((((((((( searchingfreedom)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Someway it felt nice to know i am not alone and maybe its not the end yet, hearing from you and that you are alive haha. Those demons of yours really need a good blast from holy water haha, sorry to hear they still trouble you, But hey you have made it so far with them at the corner of your head (:, i am glad you moved out of your situation with your step father, my situation is kinda similar too, i admire you courage for moving out, and staying put for so long.
Sarcastic comments are always welcomed (: It would be great to get in touch with you, maybe you will revive the passion for life again as i seek to too. Who knows.

[Searching Freedom]

That’s it, I’m oficially mad. )
How does this PM thing work? I’m so confused. I thought I answered and a hour later I realised that the message is in the outbox. How can I actually send it to you confuses me.
I need a step by step tutorial or sth. ))

[fummymeasle]

Hello (:

Wasn't sure how to respond back, considering i have been contemplating suicide past couple of days, i didnt want to be that pillar of support who doesnt know how to find balance back, let alone offer some support to others. And end up with both of us falling down. I feel much stable now.

Thank you for responding meant a lot to me. It's nice to meet you btw <3

((((((((((((((((((((((( searchingfreedom)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Someway it felt nice to know i am not alone and maybe its not the end yet, hearing from you and that you are alive haha. Those demons of yours really need a good blast from holy water haha, sorry to hear they still trouble you, But hey you have made it so far with them at the corner of your head (:, i am glad you moved out of your situation with your step father, my situation is kinda similar too, i admire you courage for moving out, and staying put for so long.
Sarcastic comments are always welcomed (: It would be great to get in touch with you, maybe you will revive the passion for life again as i seek to too. Who knows.

You don't have to be anyone's support, that is why we are here! Hopefully you get better and everything works out.

[Blackswan]

Its funny how I am still stuck in that bad place of thoughts, but also happy, my reasons of wanting to end myself have broadened up and every day becomes another guilt confession to my loved ones. Sighs.