FEELING QUITE HAPPY ,,,BUT?

[xn728]

Well the new meds have had a very big effect over the last 2 days ive been very happy really ,,full of myself ,,and joking around ,,,BUT,,
i cant cope in this new world ,ive been down to long and these new feelings im having i dont want ,,i feel better in the comfort of the shadows where i have spent most of my life ,the glare of happiness is to bright for me ,and has blinded me more than the dark evil of my deppression ,i miss the visitor and fear it wont come back ,,so as from tonight im stopping the meds ,,it strange and dissapointing at the same time ,that i search so long for happiness and now i have the chance to hold it in my hands it frightens me so much ,,,i dont expect you to understand ,you may even hate me for it ,,but theres so much to this ,depression has been with me all my life and has given me so much ,,,i sat on here last night ,and wanted to post to some of the new users like i always do but
i couldent find any words ,,because im not feeling sadness my words have been supressed ,i would rather be the old me and be able to write ,than be happy and feel nothing here anymore ,,what more can i say ,if your upset with me ,,pass me by ,,if you understand then i will feel that you trully know me ,,this is not me ,and never can be ,,goodbye stranger i must turn my back on you and once again walk with the visitor
hugs love xxxxxkenny xn728,,,

[Misty]

((((Ken))))

Do you remember your first date, your first kiss or your first "experience"? All a bit intimidating because of the unknown and yet the urge to embrace that experience because it's part of maturing to the next part of our lives. Yes, i know once we got over all that it wasn't a thrill anymore...it was just business as usual and we eventually settle in to our own rythms.

Comfort levels are funny beasts aren't they? If I were to stop arguing with my husband and ran to him when he got home from work both of us would look at each other as if there's something wrong with this picture. But I know he has been patient and would like nothing better than to see me smile from the heart again.

My dear friend and brother this is our lives to live as we choose and you always remind me that there is always someone to walk with and talk to in pain and in joy. Thank you for being here and I will be too.

From Me

Edit: I'm horrible for making a point, hope you can read between the lines.

[crystalgaze]

Hhmm.... Wow.... You know, you deserve to be happy....! Wouldn't Fran or your daughters like to see you be happy? Smile? Etc.

I know how you adore Fran & maybe it will help you in taking care of her. She may be more at ease too... I dah know... It is your choice!

You did have your gift of hope! I think the V will always be there... It's what you always said: I'm there but you can't hear me! He will come to you when you least expect it probably.

Before you quit, how about you give it some time (like 1 full month or so) to see if he pops in at all? Or maybe you need an adjustment time? It's just a thought! I'm supportive of you either way, but yeah, you know.... I'd love to see you yapph!

[Mich]

I really understand this...I really do. I often wonder if it is those thoughts exactly that prevent me from getting well.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit that I would tend to agree with (((( crystalgaze )))). Are you truly sure that you have given yourself time to adjust? At the risk of stating the obvious, this is a tremendously significant decision for you. ( Yes, I know. I've just stated the obvious. Sorry! )
I'm not claiming to understand what you're going through, that wouldn't be true. However, I can and do say that I don't hate you, and I'm not judging you. I'm actually an agnostic, but if God does exist, may He be between you and harm wherever your journey takes you.

[xn728]

Sleep didnt come easily last night ,my mind is alive ,but i cant let my soul free to run and play in this world, that is now visible to my unbeilieving eyes ,(((((onika))))),,i know your right in what you say about
fran and the girls having me happy ,,but they have all they need of me ,,please understand ,i feel like ,
someone set free from prison after 43 years ,and then left to cope in a world they no longer know ,,
my heart fears,for what it doesnt understand ,and yet my mind crys out to be free from the dark torment that has been my entire life ,xn728 is the man set free on the forum after many years alone ,and the ken you know so we,ll is the man who must exist here in this much too real world. also alone ,,were both just wandering both in
pain ,i trouble to catch my breath as the pain of these two world overlapping in my mind drives me crazy,Xn stands at the other side of life ,and I here in the world i made for myself ,but now we stand and look at each other ,without expression or words ,because we both know, i must return to the only place i know, The world we could have known
together,is not for either of us to inhabite without fear ,so xn will turn away now and return to his world ,of
secrets and regrets ,and me we,ll the visitor is with me ,it knows the sadness i feel at not being able to touch the places i could see and have longed for so many years ,my heart torn apart by regret and indecistion,
so we must go now, one final look at my freind xn ,keep russ safe ,the visitor must not harm him ,xxx
so now we will weather this storm alone ,i must return to the darkness its the only comfort i know ,,
and im gonna have that long sleep i always wanted ,,,hugs from ken, xn728 ,russ,,lots of love xxxx
(((((onika ))))) and (((((misty))))),,,your words are very kind and thoughtful .onika you keep posting the wonderful things you write ,,,,Misty you too must spend more time here ,its nice to see you around .The chats
rooms ok ,,but i dont think its as loving as being here on the forum,,and your posts are very thoughtful as we,ll.So here i am alone again ,the dark shadows on the horizon ,will soon reveil the winged demons that will carry the darkness of my own creation to wash over me once again ,i cant see, feel, or touch anything .i try to find comfort in the forum ,but it feels as though a connection has been lost ,so that sleep cant come quickly enough ,for i feel lost ,maybe i did die all those years ago and now this journey has nearly come to an end ,pherhaps it was just that answer i was looking for .so come on my dark sentinal and i,ll take your hand once more but i wont fight this time,lay down queitly i will ,and maybe you may grant me that long dark sleep . (((((crysatalgaze,misty ,mich thankyou so much ))))),,,,thankyou (((((all my dear freinds ))))),,,,love from ken ,xn728,russ,xxxxx

[lisalou]

dear ken, i believe you have the right to be happy and i believe you are still a very kind and sensitive man and capable of empathy with or without your depression

don't be afraid of the light

[Misty]

((((Ken))))

All i wish for you is to be happy, whatever form it comes in. For now that is all i can manage.

I always have a candle lit before i go to bed at night.

Misty

[xn728]

(((((lisa))))),,,,(((((misty))))),,,i know what your both saying ,,but i feel so mixed up with these things going on ,,i dont know what drugs causing me to feel what ,,and its very scary more than i can bear ,,,ive stopped taking the new meds now ,,i feel i cant do both at the same time ,,so ill get over the codiene addition first ,,then ill take it from there ,,,you must remember ,that im up at 2 am most mornings with fran ,,either struggling to breath ,,or having pain in her legs and arms from the M,S,,,,,when we wake in the morning ,,i have to massage her back to loosen up some of the filth on her lungs so she can breath ,,then i have to stand at work just worrying when im gonna get the phone call that she cant breath and have to dash home ,,,she rings me just to chat for a few minutes so she is not lonely ,,and i can hear her chest grateing ,its just soul destroying ,,,,,,
then in the past ive got home ,,walked in the house to a terrible smell ,,because shes left something cooking ,,totally forgotten about it and set the pan on fire ,,,and im supposed to try and get myself better
you are both very dear freinds ,,and im not being negative here im just explaining what life is like for us ,,so you can see the daily strain im under ,,it may make my crankyness,,lol,,,,a little easier to understand ,,
i love you both along with all my other dear freinds ,,and i hold your replys close to my heart ,,,,i hope your both ok ,,lisa ive replyed to your post ,,misty i know that your suffering just now ,remember to stay strong and safe ,,use the forum more as ive said before we dont see enough of you on here dont be a stranger ,,hugs lots of love kenny xxxxxxxx

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Ken.... Okay... Well, you know, one thing at a time....

I know when I took meds, they actually wore off after 1 to 3 months.... You can cope with things a little better, but the extreme happy is not as intense.

It is just a thought! I'm glad that you would share what life is like... It is interesting. Hugs to you!!! (((((((((((((((((((Ken))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh ya & I was just taking a break!

[xn728]

and hi to you (((((onika))))),,,im glad to see your reply ,,it serves to purposes its always nice to see you ,,and in this case i now know your ok ,,i understand about going away for a bit ,,,,,.good to hear you hope your feeling a little better ,,how has the chest pain been ,,? or are you going to keep it to yourself mmm naughty naughty ,,,lol,,glad you like me writing about fran ,,i just thought maybe it would help you understand my life a little better and why sometimes i can be a little cranky ,,fran has ahard time with her chrionic lung problems ,,and the M<S is getting worse ,,sometimes she rings me all upset because she doent know were i am ,,,and at night in the early hours she will quite often wake up very upset because she cant get her breath ,,so i have to calm her down ,,and as i hold her in my arms she,ll tell me how she thought she was going to die ,,,this cannot be cured and will only get worse with time ,,i didnt think it would be as quick as it is progressing now ,,,she says when she has gone ,i must get a little dog for company ,,how brave of her to think like that ,,,lol so you see if i never get better it doesnt matter as long as fran is happy and she has that from me no matter how i feel ,Ok onika ,,stay safe my dear freind ,,and we,ll talk again soon,,,if the pain for you persists go back ,please nag nag nag ,,,,hugs(((((onika))))) lots of love
kenny xxxxx