Life Is Just Going So Downhill

[Tom57]

I'm realizing how life is not going so great. I don't have much going for me with family and friends. I only have one brother and one sister and we're not close. And then I only have one friend, who is almost 90 years old, and he's not a good quality friend, though he was alright some years ago. My friend and I were going to talk today on the phone but he had to cancel because he's not feeling well. It's been happening quite a few times lately.

I know I need to do better. I felt like I tried to make friends, but nothing seemed to work. After a while, I had given up on trying because it hurt more to be out there and not succeed than not to try. Also I don't have much to look forward to as I have some doctor appointments that I'm dreading. I also have a scan scheduled to check up on a possible health issue. And I'm all alone in this.

I try to be optimistic and even fight for my life. But then I wonder why I even do it. I don't know, I don't know what's the use.

By the way, I want to say "thank you" to a couple of posters who replied to my post about being alone for the holidays. It touched me.

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[Tom57]

TRIGGER WARNING

Quote from my OP. I have some doctor appointments that I'm dreading. I also have a scan scheduled to check up on a possible health issue. And I'm all alone in this.

It's been interesting for me lately. I had a full-body scan last week. It was good news and bad news. The good news was that the area where my Prostate was (I had my Prostate removed ten years ago because of cancer) has only small growths there which can be easily treated. The bad news is that the scan picked up an enlarged growth on the right side of the thyroid. Yesterday I had an ultrasound on the thyroid (as recommended) and it turns out that I'll have to have a biopsy. I have been receiving some support from others about this but the people are distant from me.

Nothing much going on for any new friends or relationships. Things are still muddling along. It's a good thing, I guess, but life seems pretty dull.

[Tom57]

"Are you looking forward to your biopsy?"

For the most part, I would say no. I'm very anxious about it and feeling like it could be cancer. This thyroid issue was totally unexpected. I had a physical exam last month and the thyroid area seemed OK at that time. The blood test was normal and so was the doctor feeling that area to see if there was anything wrong.

I feel like I'm in the black clouds about this whole thing.

[Tom57]

Well, tomorrow is the "big" day for me as I will have a biopsy. Yesterday, I had a setback. I went bike riding and it was going great; and then suddenly, my front wheel locked up as I was riding. Fortunately I didn't come to a sudden stop which that could have been bad. Also it happened close to home, so I didn't have far to walk it home. I put in a request for service but I haven't heard anything yet. I may not hear anything today because it's a holiday. I need holidays like a hole in the head! My bike is like a loving companion to me. I feel lost and out of sorts when I can't ride; and I ride every single day. It certainly helps a lot with my depression.

My only friend and I talked on the phone a couple of times yesterday. He's not the best kind of friend I could have. There are times he's pretty good and then there are times when he can be a real stinker. Well yesterday he was in his stinker ways, so that brought me down.

I woke up this morning feeling crushed. I practically did not want to get out of bed. After breakfast I feel better but still out of sorts.

[Tom57]

"Well, tomorrow is the "big" day for me as I will have a biopsy."

I had the biopsy and got the results. It's OK, so I'm happy about it. But the good feeling about it didn't last long as things in general had taken a turn for the weird. It's like I'm under some kind of curse. Good times just never last long for me.

But I learn to be grateful for the good things that happen to me. My problem is that I dwell more on the negative than the positive. I guess I'm a perfectionist.