sooo, lets get started off, my life shouldn't be that bad, and it probably isn't in comparison to what other people have to go through, but yeah..
me early 20s introvert, pessimist, overthinker, lack of self confidence ? check; non mainstream, likes metal, loner type, secure job with a good salary(if its the right one no idea, but it aint bad, repairing rescue helicopters), I live in Germany, I had a few cuts on my arm couple of years back when my ex girlfriend was in the psychiatric clinic, that was mental, only one of them scarred, yeah, easy to hide though as a mechanic, I know its bad, but just last night I freaked out because just everything was hating me again, everything I do just ends up going down the drain, and if something goes well you are damn right karma is gonna hit me back for that good thing, just a matter of time, thats how it has been and I don't believe its gonna change anytime soon. Get new phone, because "old" one decided to give up on screen, new phone has issues, I didn't even go cheap, 500 bucks well spent, and over the 14 days returns. I am the kind of person who always gives good advices to other people but never listens to them himself. I get along with humans, as long as there are not too many, I can't stand parties because I usually don't drink any or much alcohol, I just don't see the point of getting wasted. id rather enjoy it next to food or something. And I am usually just "in the way" or the "mood killer" because I don't like the music and I have no clue what to talk about, lots of awkward silence around me. I just don't know what to do then.
I am alone a lot, lots of gaming too, cutting down on that already though, and last night I just couldn't stop crying because I know I am not alone, I have people around me, but even then, I am alone, I don't belong to their groups, everybody is meeting up a lot, drinking coffee or similar(I hate coffee, yeah I know weird me) and then small things just let the bubble burst, I got really freaked out, started punching my leg then pillows on the couch, went outside with the jumprope to get some energy out, didnt help, then I went to one person I know for a couple of years now, just to not be alone, hell that was a big step in my mind to actually go there. in the End it helped, still cried myself to sleep on the couch
I sleep like shit, every now n then I take a melatonin, super small portion like 1-2 mg, if I really need to sleep, but thats not something that should be a normal basis. nightmares? yes, if I dream, usually everyone or somebody I care about dies(aka mom or so on) unless I do something impossible for shittie little me....mmmh whats that supposed to tell me lol
I can really get hyped about small things. for example if there is a flashlight and if you press the button in a certain way it gets darker or changes color etc, person a does it, works, I do it, it doesn't, he does it, works, I do it the exact same way, doesn't work, flashlight ended up hitting the ground pretty hard, exploding into lots of tiny pieces, that was stupid how to explain that to person a, aka telling him that everynow n then I have aggression problems? lol
my coworker starts one month after I did at the same company(I invited her to the company, at least got a bonus for that), with the exact same job training and experience, she gets more money, because reasons....not too much more, still pisses me off
I look for apartments under time pressure multiple times from far away, get a super shitty expensive one, she looks ONCE, immediately finds the perfect cheap apartments, my luck I guess
Buys camera online (private seller) in "mint condition" for 500 bucks, two weeks later I look at the first pictures I took on the day I got the camera, huge scratch on the sensor aka on very picture I have ever taken with it(still recommend Fuji XT 1!!)
If anybody read this far, whats wrong with you, its just me whining and complaining about my stupid life n problems.
not gonna kill myself, would make things worse for a lot of people I think care about me, "grin", thought about though lol
but I wouldn't have a problem (currently) If I die "early" saving someone at least id be useful. Is that weird?
I hope winter ends soon, so I can get back on the motorcycle, thats one of the things that generally can always lift my mood or calm me down. guess I have to just move somewhere warm......for 365d motorcycling
well in the End its all just phases, but its bad during winter days.....now I am wondering why I even am here, I have issues but no life critical ones, other people have bigger problems
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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