"tomorrow you will feel better"

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Is happiness really a choice for someone that's severely depressed?

Yes
1
13%
I'm not sure either
4
50%
No
3
38%
 
Total votes: 8

Marshmallow
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:13 pm

"tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Marshmallow » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:32 pm

Hi all. I'm new. Sorry for the rambling and repeating myself. Just needed to vent.
It's 10:50pm Christmas Eve where I'm at. I feel extremely alone. I have had no one to hang out with since July 2018 when I broke up my boyfriend and decided that my bestfriend wasn't good for my life anymore. They were the only two people in my life for 6 years besides family and coworkers. I love my family, but I've always been the "outsider"
I've had severe depression since 2006 when I had my son and developed postpartum depression. All the anti depressants, tests, and therapy in the world can not fix me. My parents have been raising my son because I am just too on n off to be the daily caregiver. If that makes any sense? We still have no bond and I absolutely hate myself. Why can't we still bond ? My sister had her first baby on the 19th. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to see her bond with her son.
I can't seem to make any friends now either. I feel so worthless and pointless. I can't seem to find anyone that likes me or that I like, same sex, to be friends with. Like we don't click. U Kno? I miss having a female friend to bake with and stuff. Females have never really liked me anyway if I'm being honest even as a child. It's even worse now. I don't know why. I truly don't. I hate myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me ? I keep praying for change in my heart that'll change who I am, but I still truly hate who I am, no change. I can pretend to be someone or something else but deep down I am who I am and I hate me.
Dating is completely out of the question. I have tried to just talk to guys and I know I am completely too screwed up to do that. Because of my depression and the past relationship issues I've had. I can't stand any of them either. They all seem to be sarcastic and condescending. I just can't tolerate any of them. I don't know why. Ive never had issues dating before. What's wrong w me ?
I've been using this time to work on myself however I never seem to "get better". When I see a little improvement, shortly afterward, this version of me, comes out. Every time this self comes out (depression), it gets harder n harder to tuck back away. I honestly feel that I'm just worthless and have zero reason to be living anymore. I'm not suicidal, but the thoughts of dying, give me an odd sense of comfort and joy. Sometimes I'll go to bed and cry myself to sleep, pleading with God to take my life so I don't have to feel this way anymore. I don't know why I'm still here anymore. What purpose am I actually serving now? I spend my days working, paying bills, fighting to not get fat because all I do is watch TV and eat. I was anorexic for a few years before my pregnancy and a few years after. Even I wasnt alone, I would still have to fight this depression.
They say happiness is a choice. I disagree because trust me, I've tried everything possible to force myself to be "happy". I've tried to make the decision to be happy, it only works for a little while. it truly isn't always choice. Is it or am I just that screwed up? I don't know anymore.
I live in a room of darkness. Happiness is the light I can see through the cracks of the door that's locked away on the other side, that's 95% of the time is unreachable. Sometimes I have a flash light that works and sometimes I don't. Nothing works to flip the light on. I've tried everything u can think of besides harsh treatments like electrical shock or whatever it's called. I've been evaluated so many times and always walked away with ADHD and severe depression diagnosis. I'm just done fighting it. I'm done surviving just enough to see if I can make my flashlight work the next day to only work for a week or two. I'm worthless and have no point.
A decade later, the saying "tomorrow you'll feel better" only makes me worse.

Redsoxrock67
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:19 am

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Redsoxrock67 » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:45 am

Hi, I can completely relate and I am sorry for how you feel. I know exactly that feeling. Like you, i've tried to feel happy but expend so much energy trying to do that I wear down and it's easier just to remain down. I've been waiting for "tomorrow" for years now but it just never comes. I wish there was that magic bullet to make us feel better.

I made a decision in 1995 that unfortunately ruined my life. I didn't commit a crime and instead made a life choice decision that I knew was wrong as soon as I made it and my life plunged like an elevator shaft almost immediately. I lost my home, career, pension, relationships, everything!!! and have bounced from job to job every few months since. I live with that decision every day and the weight of that is literally killing me. No matter how hard I try or what I do I have not been able to recover from it. The trying-to-rebuild process has taken an awful toll on me. I can't get back what i've lost and as much as I try every attempt to move forward fails. It's like the Universe is mocking me.

So I really do understand. Interestingly from all of this I have developed a very high level of empathy and compassion because I now know what it's like.

I don't know I wish I could say/do more to help... take care.. Craig

Redsoxrock67
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:19 am

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Redsoxrock67 » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:46 am

sorry.. what i forgot to mention was that prior to 1995 I lost a child and from that my life was never the same.. that incident led me to the decision in 1995 ... if my son hadn't died.... so i really do understand...

Marshmallow
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:13 pm

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Marshmallow » Sun Jan 19, 2020 5:15 pm

Craig, thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. I am very sorry that you are in the situation u r in as well. I hope things get better soon for you.

Hbaazaoui
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2020 10:26 pm

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Hbaazaoui » Sun Jan 19, 2020 10:46 pm

Hello, this is my first time ever using one of these chat rooms and honestly I feel selfish and stupid for classifying myself as depressed. I get sent into the deep end by stupid preventable things. It first started when I was in middles school and I would get bullied a lot, so I developed self-harming techniques. It feels so good to cut and feel the anxiety leech out of you. It's like all my problems are gone. Also, whenever I feel really sad and anxious, I write down what happened in this notebook that I've had for years. I have documented almost every single time that I have self-harmed.

For some reason I became addicted to writing in this notebook and cutting, so now I freak out and get anxious for random reasons just so that I can cut and write in my book. One time I was crying and looking for my notebook and i couldn't find where I had hidden it last. So I started crying even harder and I trashed my room trying to find it, until I finally did relocate it after an hour or two. It made me realize how dependent I am upon it. So I decided that I needed to stop and told one of my closest friends about my notebook and self harming. I told her about my insecurities about my body image and my personality. That I always feel ugly and fat and annoying and unwanted. And she barely cared. She barely responded at all. And then she started distancing herself from me and hasnt been close with me since then.
So I became more wary and it became harder to talk to me for a while. Then another friend confronted me after a couple months and asked me what was going on. That I seemed distance lately and sad. And i was. I was writing a lot more in my notebook because i felt hurt and abandoned by someone that I thought I was extremely close to. So she caught me at a very vulnerable moment and I broke down and told her the entire story because I was tired of cutting and crying. Then she said she was gonna help me get through it.

She hasnt talked to me about it since then.

It's been months.
I want to f****** hurt myself so bad because I feel like it's my fault that I created bad tendencies for myself and that I deserve to hurt and be ignored. But I also want to grow and become better. And the worst part is that I see these two friends regularly, so it's not like I can pretend nothing happened.
I'm just so f****** sick and tired of crying and being sad.

Marshmallow
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:13 pm

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Marshmallow » Wed Jan 22, 2020 7:08 pm

Hi. Thank u for sharing your story. I am very sorry u r going through all of that. Having such a secret does make one feel extremely alone. Sometimes situations push people away, not because they doesn't care, but because the situation is difficult to handle. Especially people that haven't had depression, they really don't know how to address such issues sometimes because it's hard for them to actually understand what is going on in a depressed brain. One example I have is how my bestfriend (from the time we were 8-17 years old) distanced herself from me when we found out we were pregnant at the same time, but I lost my baby and she didn't. I was so hurt, but almost a year or so later, she contacted me n explained that she felt so bad because she knew how much I wanted my baby. she didn't know what to say because was pregnant n thought it would be harder on me to talk to her during her pregnancy. She also included that she felt a sense of guilt bc she didn't lose hers too. Maaaaaybe your friends do care and just feel uncomfortable n unhelpful at the moment like mine did?

I can kinda relate to the relief u receive when cutting... When I was little (until age 9), from the time I first got teeth, I would bite myself when I was feeling negative emotions especially anger. Sounds silly I know but I would bite myself until I bled. I left scars on my arms. I remember the strong serge of relief wash over me as soon as I would bite down. I would bite harder n harder to keep feeling that feeling until it hurt too bad to continue biting. As soon as I would stop, I would feel so much better like less of the negative emotions....Maybe a release? I don't know how to explain it, but from what you were saying, I feel I can somewhat relate.

Now these suggestions are prob not gonna be helpful, but please know they are not meant to sound "easy or quick" to do or anything like that. I know this is a very complex issue. I'm just throwing out some kind of ideas just in case u do happen to find one helpful. That's all :) Can u find something else that gives you a similar feeling or try adding some "discipline" to your disorder for a while? kinda ween yourself from it slowly ? For example, tell yourself if you still feel the urge to write n cut in 15 mins you can do it then?

I can relate to the exhaustion from crying and feeling bad all the time as well.



Hbaazaoui wrote:Hello, this is my first time ever using one of these chat rooms and honestly I feel selfish and stupid for classifying myself as depressed. I get sent into the deep end by stupid preventable things. It first started when I was in middles school and I would get bullied a lot, so I developed self-harming techniques. It feels so good to cut and feel the anxiety leech out of you. It's like all my problems are gone. Also, whenever I feel really sad and anxious, I write down what happened in this notebook that I've had for years. I have documented almost every single time that I have self-harmed.

For some reason I became addicted to writing in this notebook and cutting, so now I freak out and get anxious for random reasons just so that I can cut and write in my book. One time I was crying and looking for my notebook and i couldn't find where I had hidden it last. So I started crying even harder and I trashed my room trying to find it, until I finally did relocate it after an hour or two. It made me realize how dependent I am upon it. So I decided that I needed to stop and told one of my closest friends about my notebook and self harming. I told her about my insecurities about my body image and my personality. That I always feel ugly and fat and annoying and unwanted. And she barely cared. She barely responded at all. And then she started distancing herself from me and hasnt been close with me since then.
So I became more wary and it became harder to talk to me for a while. Then another friend confronted me after a couple months and asked me what was going on. That I seemed distance lately and sad. And i was. I was writing a lot more in my notebook because i felt hurt and abandoned by someone that I thought I was extremely close to. So she caught me at a very vulnerable moment and I broke down and told her the entire story because I was tired of cutting and crying. Then she said she was gonna help me get through it.

She hasnt talked to me about it since then.

It's been months.
I want to f****** hurt myself so bad because I feel like it's my fault that I created bad tendencies for myself and that I deserve to hurt and be ignored. But I also want to grow and become better. And the worst part is that I see these two friends regularly, so it's not like I can pretend nothing happened.
I'm just so f****** sick and tired of crying and being sad.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 368
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK
Contact:

Re: "tomorrow you will feel better"

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Thu Jun 04, 2020 5:32 pm

Marshmallow wrote:Hi all. I'm new. Sorry for the rambling and repeating myself. Just needed to vent.
It's 10:50pm Christmas Eve where I'm at. I feel extremely alone. I have had no one to hang out with since July 2018 when I broke up my boyfriend and decided that my bestfriend wasn't good for my life anymore. They were the only two people in my life for 6 years besides family and coworkers. I love my family, but I've always been the "outsider"
I've had severe depression since 2006 when I had my son and developed postpartum depression. All the anti depressants, tests, and therapy in the world can not fix me. My parents have been raising my son because I am just too on n off to be the daily caregiver. If that makes any sense? We still have no bond and I absolutely hate myself. Why can't we still bond ? My sister had her first baby on the 19th. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to see her bond with her son.
I can't seem to make any friends now either. I feel so worthless and pointless. I can't seem to find anyone that likes me or that I like, same sex, to be friends with. Like we don't click. U Kno? I miss having a female friend to bake with and stuff. Females have never really liked me anyway if I'm being honest even as a child. It's even worse now. I don't know why. I truly don't. I hate myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me ? I keep praying for change in my heart that'll change who I am, but I still truly hate who I am, no change. I can pretend to be someone or something else but deep down I am who I am and I hate me.
Dating is completely out of the question. I have tried to just talk to guys and I know I am completely too screwed up to do that. Because of my depression and the past relationship issues I've had. I can't stand any of them either. They all seem to be sarcastic and condescending. I just can't tolerate any of them. I don't know why. Ive never had issues dating before. What's wrong w me ?
I've been using this time to work on myself however I never seem to "get better". When I see a little improvement, shortly afterward, this version of me, comes out. Every time this self comes out (depression), it gets harder n harder to tuck back away. I honestly feel that I'm just worthless and have zero reason to be living anymore. I'm not suicidal, but the thoughts of dying, give me an odd sense of comfort and joy. Sometimes I'll go to bed and cry myself to sleep, pleading with God to take my life so I don't have to feel this way anymore. I don't know why I'm still here anymore. What purpose am I actually serving now? I spend my days working, paying bills, fighting to not get fat because all I do is watch TV and eat. I was anorexic for a few years before my pregnancy and a few years after. Even I wasnt alone, I would still have to fight this depression.
They say happiness is a choice. I disagree because trust me, I've tried everything possible to force myself to be "happy". I've tried to make the decision to be happy, it only works for a little while. it truly isn't always choice. Is it or am I just that screwed up? I don't know anymore.
I live in a room of darkness. Happiness is the light I can see through the cracks of the door that's locked away on the other side, that's 95% of the time is unreachable. Sometimes I have a flash light that works and sometimes I don't. Nothing works to flip the light on. I've tried everything u can think of besides harsh treatments like electrical shock or whatever it's called. I've been evaluated so many times and always walked away with ADHD and severe depression diagnosis. I'm just done fighting it. I'm done surviving just enough to see if I can make my flashlight work the next day to only work for a week or two. I'm worthless and have no point.
A decade later, the saying "tomorrow you'll feel better" only makes me worse.

The reason why happiness hasnt worked for you, is because you have convinced yourself that this problematic life is the life for you. Happiness is very reachable but you have to look and see what you want and then pursue them. Saying that happiness is a choice, is half right. You can go through situations that make you happy and you can go through problems that make you unhappy. It happens to everyone. You need to believe things can change, and hold onto what you have. I am sure there are things that make you happy. Life is not all bad. But your focusing on the things that make you feel sad. Deal with negatives but do not let those thoughts remain in your mind.


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