Hard to be myself.

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Joined: Sun Jun 16, 2019 9:03 pm

Hard to be myself.

Postby BlackDahlia92 » Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:28 pm

medically, I can say i started having depression and anxiety when i started middle school and my 6 year straight of being bullied began, But to tell the truth it might have actually started when i was real little due to how I was raised. you see I am an only child, my parents tried to give me siblings, but it just wasn't meant to be. my whole life i was told my parents how well behaved i was, never really acted out or anything, but i think i did that for a reason i didn't want my parents to be disappointed in me. So in order to make them happy I did whatever I could, even if i didn't really want to, in order to make them proud. I thought telling them i was being bullied would make them disappointed so I kept my mouth shut and just put up with it. So in middle school when my bulling got really bad I just put a fake smile on face every time i would come home. Say i had a "great day" and let it be that, but when i went to school I was in hell. I thought when my parents let me go to a public high school i would be able to get over my dark feelings but all it did was go dormant, until i start my bad string of horrible boyfriends. what you could consider sweet is my Husband was my high school sweetheart, for a little bit. he was my actual first boyfriend but we were both stubborn and one big fight had not talking to each other for what would almost 7 years....during that time him and I both went though some bad relationships. One in particular for me was the guy i dated shortly after....he was hell. every day it was an emotional abuse roll a coaster, and even after he dumped for a chick he was cheating on me with i was still his target when he would get mad. All the emotional abuse put me in a bad place with my depression and anxiety. to the point I couldn't trust anyone, i was in a constant state of anxiety thinking who was going hurt me next. So it was expected that when i got back together with my husband my walls would be up. Now after saying "I do" my walls came down for quite awhile. but then after the birth our son things took a turn, he cheated on me. which made my trust in him plummet. now recently he has turned a :roll: eye to my condition. everyday i feel like i am walking on egg shells to make him happy. every time i have an episode he will either say he is going through something worse or shrug it off like i am doing it on purpose....now every time he goes to work i simply put the my boys to bed then hide in my room and cry myself to sleep i don't know who i can trust and i don't know who i can talk to about my symptoms that won't think they nothing....i want my husband to understand but he just refuses to try.... I can't talk to him anymore now it gets to the point if i bring something up he will turn it on me and make me feel guilty....I feel hopeless again....

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Re: Hard to be myself.

Postby Unknownparadox » Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:31 am

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I can relate to some extent. I started being depressed around 10 and that's when my roller coaster of a life got going. Well more like a rocket sled strait down hill lol. I have never had any professional help, so I can't say if my view would be considered correct. For me being around people who like me and share my same interest is just about all I need. My outlook my feelings my attitude improves 90% when I find good people to be around. Likewise Being rejected, shunned, and having my feelings disregarded has the opposite effect. Neither of my two wife's shared any of my interest and I little of theirs. Which made for a very toxic relationship. I was always trying to find some common ground between us. Of course I never could, each time I would come up with a idea on a activity it was shot down. Which would push me further into depression. Which in turn would negatively impact our relationship. I was to stubborn to get out of either relationship until it was obvious it was over.

If I had it to do over again, I would ask myself. How much more should I try? Is this situation affecting them as badly as it is me? If not why not? Is staying together for the children really the lesser of 2 evils?

I hope your situation improves. If you need someone to vent to feel free to message me.

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Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Hard to be myself.

Postby j2415 » Mon Jun 17, 2019 1:16 pm

Hello- I’m very sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope this forum will be a blessing to you. Please know that we are here for you. I pray that you will remain strong and will get the support you need to stay better.

I hope things will go well with you. Please keep us posted. Take care, God bless.

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