I worry about my friend.

[kitabear1]

I have scoured the internet for hours looking for good advice about my friend's depression. I have been depressed myself in the past [I sought professional therapy]. My friend is a girl who recently begun transitioning into a boy. I have accepted this, in fact most of his friends have too. We're in high school and we are in a high pressure environment. My friend has very religious parents who he lives with, and don't accept his gender. They don't go to extremes, it is not expected that my friend will be abused or kicked-out. However, there are a few stories my friend told me that helped me understand how miserable it must feel to live with parents who can't accept his gender.

Lately, my friend has been acting more miserable and depressed. I feel like nothing I could do would ever help him. He calls hims self a loser, a failure, and an idiot. This week he has been repeatedly talking about how he should set himself on fire - as if it were a joke. It really terrifies me that things have escalated. Now that things are so much worse, I don't know how to react. It is really hard to contain my own composure as my friend pushes me away so much.

My friend is a part of the Gay-Straight Alliance at school, but I don't know that it helps. He said something about feeling like he wasn't accepted there - I don't know much about this. I have asked numerous times to join him there but he doesn't tell me when the meetings are (I don't think he wants me to come).
His parents - the mostly non-supportive and religious ones - only allowed my friend to go to a therapist that they like (because they are catholic). The therapist didn't help my friend - they theorized that my friend's depression would disappear upon ending his gender transition and made my friend very uncomfortable. My friend doesn't think any therapy would help now and seems to hate the idea of getting medicine.

It feels like there are no adults to help. I am sure there are teachers that would accept my friend and help them out if my friend would talk to them about it. But my friend doesn't even want to ask people to use the correct pronouns, much less ask for support. While our mutual friends are very accepting they, aren't very supportive.

It's really difficult because it feels like we're all just kids and we couldn't possibly be able to help each other out.

I was hoping someone could tell me how I should respond to the names my friend calls himself and when he tells scarier and cruel "jokes" about himself. I also want to know what other things I should do for my friend.

Responses are very much appreciated. Even if I don't get any, at least I have sorted out my feelings

[Ieris]

Hello Kitabear,

I have a good few gay/lesbian friends, the gay ones are very feminine and the lesbians are rather masculine. They can be themselves around their friends but when they are at work/home they have to be someone else. Some have told their parents, some have not because they know they will permanently cut them off. Luckily they're in their 20s so most of them have moved out of their parents house and just do as they wish. There is one guy I know who told his parents he was gay and got thrown out, he had to live in a hostel until he could move to London to complete his degree. He has recently told us he wants to be a girl and started talking hormones. He started wearing wigs, make up, dresses, heels and to be honest it felt kind of weird but he is old enough to make his own decisions. We can tell he is happy so we're all supportive. His parents won't accept it and no longer talk to him, even if they do its just insults. He's just getting on with his life and has no intention of changing who he is.

You friend is only in high school so probably still dependent on his parents so could feel vulnerable especially when they aren't supportive of his choices. It's not a disease so I hope he would stop blaming himself, although it is hard when he may be insulted by his parents. You said that his family is religious, but whether they are or not he should try to think from his parents side, why they feel disappointed and why they feel its not right. They may lash out because they are frustrated and there is nothing they can do but try to shout some sense into him. Try to understand how others feel in their position then you will know why they say the things they say and do the things they do. Your friend may feel hurt but so does his parents and its just as difficult for em as it is for him.

Try to focus on studies for now, it can take a while for us to figure out who we are.. and it will always change. So take a step at a time and try to adapt along the way. I think it is great that he has you as a friend but don't get too involved and make his problem your problem because you have problems of your own. Just be there when he needs to talk, needs help but don't suffocate yourself over his business. I believe there are gay/les communities/forums online so maybe he can try talking to those who has gone through what he is going through and get some advice from them.

Best of luck x