What's it like, living with depression? Just simply, it's like never making ends meet. Wracking my brain, struggling so hard to make a pact with myself, to find a reason to get up and face a crumbling life.
Seems like I can feel the sadness of coming up short as a toddler. Perhaps I just manufacture images (but then why not helpful images) of desperately struggling and being surrounded by helpful yet disappointed family members who end up walking away and leaving me alone. Alone was not what I wanted to be, especially as a toddler.
I know most cities are founded on the wreckage of earlier destroyed cities before them and cities before even. For the most part, the lives and memories of the cities have perished also. But I feel every day like I'm walking on the crunching shards of attempted aspirations. It hurts my soul.
Day by day I come closer to loosing everything: my job, my home, all my possessions. I just can't do it again. What scares me the most is that I have the love and emotional support of many friends and family. I've gotten supportive helpful responses from people here. It just doesn't seem to penetrate this asinine shell of mine.
What's it Like
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A few days ago I had a sort of turning point and I felt better. Not great, but I guess I just had a little bit of hope. I had talked to friends and family, got some perspective, and things seemed a little less hopeless.
Fast forward to today and I feel like garbage. Lost, hopeless, useless. The same worries about losing my job, my home, everything getting lost and being alone and empty forever.
I know exactly what you mean about things not getting through, not penetrating the shell. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's also hard to take advice and kind words from someone when you feel like your whole world is falling apart around you. Sometimes all the kinds words in the world don't make a dent in the darkness. And sometimes I wonder if anything will.
Fast forward to today and I feel like garbage. Lost, hopeless, useless. The same worries about losing my job, my home, everything getting lost and being alone and empty forever.
I know exactly what you mean about things not getting through, not penetrating the shell. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's also hard to take advice and kind words from someone when you feel like your whole world is falling apart around you. Sometimes all the kinds words in the world don't make a dent in the darkness. And sometimes I wonder if anything will.
I hear you. I feel like a baby sometimes. Good people around me who want you help and I just want them to take the world away, I just want to lie down and become one with the worms.
I give advice often because I know it's good advice, I know it works, I know it helps people; like, 'You have to meet the world half way.' No one calls meet a hypocrite, but they could.
It's funny; I know I'm not weak in many ways. I've made great efforts and accomplished important, impressive things. But all too often and more often I can't summon the will to do important little things. I can't fill the chinks. I can't hold the damn.
I give advice often because I know it's good advice, I know it works, I know it helps people; like, 'You have to meet the world half way.' No one calls meet a hypocrite, but they could.
It's funny; I know I'm not weak in many ways. I've made great efforts and accomplished important, impressive things. But all too often and more often I can't summon the will to do important little things. I can't fill the chinks. I can't hold the damn.
I give plenty of advice. I'm told that my advice is quite helpful at times. Hell I give advice I should take myself. I just never do. I try, and things lighten up a bit, but then they just slip back down.
I've done great things for my age. I've come a long way. But sometimes none of that matters. There is something else missing. Accomplishments, accolades, praise, these things just bounce right off. The only thing I want, the only things I've ever wanted I don't have. And I can't see myself getting it, not for a long time. I can feel myself hardening at times, turning cold. I think it is the only way I'll be able to keep going. These emotions feel as if they getting in the way.
I've done great things for my age. I've come a long way. But sometimes none of that matters. There is something else missing. Accomplishments, accolades, praise, these things just bounce right off. The only thing I want, the only things I've ever wanted I don't have. And I can't see myself getting it, not for a long time. I can feel myself hardening at times, turning cold. I think it is the only way I'll be able to keep going. These emotions feel as if they getting in the way.
One of the reasons I'm feeling down is that recently I've actually been reaching out. That's good right? It's a step. But it also means I have to deal in some intelligible way with my problems.
NOOooo! don't make me do it!
But one of the ways it has to happen,
whether I do it or someone else does it for me, is I have to simplify.
Maybe some people can do it but right now my life overwhelms me and I have to simplify.
NOOooo! don't make me do it!
But one of the ways it has to happen,
whether I do it or someone else does it for me, is I have to simplify.
Maybe some people can do it but right now my life overwhelms me and I have to simplify.
Living with Depression
Hi Frame,
I hope you feel some small measure of comfort after deciding to reach out. Being a sufferer of depression, I know it is very difficult. Much worse, would be to bottle it up where it can become a cancer.
No matter how crummy, or frustratingly broken you feel, always remember your worth...as it was proven before you were even born...
Please also keep in mind that words of comfort, strength and reassurance are like beacons of light...and those looking for light are they who are beaten and scarred by life's dark storms. When you, who also inwardly weep, take the time to help others survive, your love is the light they see.
Yes, you are appreciated. And your value--immense.
4EverMe
I hope you feel some small measure of comfort after deciding to reach out. Being a sufferer of depression, I know it is very difficult. Much worse, would be to bottle it up where it can become a cancer.
No matter how crummy, or frustratingly broken you feel, always remember your worth...as it was proven before you were even born...
Please also keep in mind that words of comfort, strength and reassurance are like beacons of light...and those looking for light are they who are beaten and scarred by life's dark storms. When you, who also inwardly weep, take the time to help others survive, your love is the light they see.
Yes, you are appreciated. And your value--immense.
4EverMe
Thank you, 4Everme, for your note;
I tried to respond once and failed; and loose track of my thoughts, but I remember thinking that you have inspired me to at least attempt to bump health up on my priority list. The state I'm entering generally carries some risk. I feel like I have to break loose somehow. Things simply don't work. They just don't work. I'm entering a very dark tunnel and no matter who or what relies on me I either go through or I don't make it out.
I've gotten pretty good at looking at health from a point of vital signs. I try to keep the most vital in a reasonable range. At the same time, a fever burns off the virus. Pray for me. I really don't know where I am.
Thanks
I tried to respond once and failed; and loose track of my thoughts, but I remember thinking that you have inspired me to at least attempt to bump health up on my priority list. The state I'm entering generally carries some risk. I feel like I have to break loose somehow. Things simply don't work. They just don't work. I'm entering a very dark tunnel and no matter who or what relies on me I either go through or I don't make it out.
I've gotten pretty good at looking at health from a point of vital signs. I try to keep the most vital in a reasonable range. At the same time, a fever burns off the virus. Pray for me. I really don't know where I am.
Thanks
Living with Depression...
Dear Frame,
Im really sorry you're going through this. You're welcome to PM me on the details if you wish.
Its ironic that my posts have inspired you to think more about your health. (because i dont want to live). But its a good thing if anyone gets anything from my ramblings! Its hard to post because my story is so long, tedious. So, one night, esp, I just started typing and didnt try to stop. Maybe they should call me 'Ramblin' Rose.' Hahaha--Had to throw some tacky humor in! Whats life without laughter? The more ramblin, the merrier. Talk to you later.
Im really sorry you're going through this. You're welcome to PM me on the details if you wish.
Its ironic that my posts have inspired you to think more about your health. (because i dont want to live). But its a good thing if anyone gets anything from my ramblings! Its hard to post because my story is so long, tedious. So, one night, esp, I just started typing and didnt try to stop. Maybe they should call me 'Ramblin' Rose.' Hahaha--Had to throw some tacky humor in! Whats life without laughter? The more ramblin, the merrier. Talk to you later.
I believe a medical professional would call it cycling; though I prefer to reserve the word for my bike rides. And I think the doctors are groping for answers to problems they can't quite define. But when I wake up wanting to die; have a cup of coffee, sit in front of my artwork and feel the world is my oyster; step outside and I want to crumble to the ground; bless my strars I have a job to go to; when I get there I want to run away.
Well, it's no bike ride. It's exhausting but I have no sense of accomplishment.
Well, it's no bike ride. It's exhausting but I have no sense of accomplishment.
Living with Depression...
Hey Frame,
I can totally relate. You describe the feeling of wanting to crumble when leaving that oyster. I have a pretty high degree of agaoraphobia and the few, necessary times i leave my home, I feel i could either crumble or explode sue to overwhelming anxiety.
Initially, when i read your reference to bike riding, I had a sudden urge to hop on a Harley and be gone with the wind. Total freedom!! THIS is therapy for me. Or--was. I wasnt ALWAYS going through isolation...There was a better time, even when stressors and abuse were in the mix.
I can totally relate. You describe the feeling of wanting to crumble when leaving that oyster. I have a pretty high degree of agaoraphobia and the few, necessary times i leave my home, I feel i could either crumble or explode sue to overwhelming anxiety.
Initially, when i read your reference to bike riding, I had a sudden urge to hop on a Harley and be gone with the wind. Total freedom!! THIS is therapy for me. Or--was. I wasnt ALWAYS going through isolation...There was a better time, even when stressors and abuse were in the mix.
How does it not add up.
Thanks for asking Pilule;
I suppose the simple answer is that no matter how hard you work, if people aren't buying what your selling, expenses don't meet income. The hard part to understand is, how it could go on for so long.
For my part I just can't see any options, so I plod along. I used to be the idea guy, but things just keep getting worse. The reason no one has taken away my business already is a bit more murky; but I think it's just that so many people are in such bad shape, I'm still a small fish. It's just a little one man operation any more and they can't expect me to pay anything if they shut me down. I suppose everyone hopes things will just get better.
It's only here and rarely anywhere else that I face up to the fact that I'm just digging a deeper hole. I suppose I've always gotten credit for sticking with something (not very often for me) and in the end, somehow my hard work will gain me mercy.
I added below a bit I wrote. I guess I could add that perhaps, other than coffee and a peaceful sunrise, the only thing that motivates me is the work.:
Basically I'm completely tapped out. I owe well over $100,000 in back taxes, have leans on my house, a second mortgage, and have been taken early withdrawals from I retirement account. Basically, buying this business five years ago, and trying to run it myself will soon turn out to have been a complete and utter disaster. But I don't care. I suppose that deserves a bit of explanation.
If I hadn't taken on this business. I would have my house payed off in another five years. So why do I look at all this pain and suffering and tell myself I would do it again? I'm looking at homelessness, I'm estranged from a daughter I dearly love (I just don't have the time or energy to draw her into my life), I'll have to get rid of 95% of my belongings. I don't want any of this. Why don't I care?
I did a lot of work on this house; put so much of my creative self into it. And the same can be said for this business. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, perhaps, it's because this disaster fits the architecture of my life. I've always been able to achieve, to impress, but never to earn. I'm still surprised I had the opportunity to buy this house at all. I sort of feel like it appeared in my life, not for me but in order to shelter my child. And now she's grown, she shows no interest in the house, my life, any of her possessions here. Perhaps it's my destiny to let it all slip away.
How can I care when, no matter how hard I struggle, how much I work, it's never enough to earn a position in the American dream? What I do know is I'm only at peace for slivers of the day, in the quite of the morning, lying in bed, sitting drinking coffee, typing at the computer. This is a constant in my life. Precious few are memories of a day when I jumped out of bed and boldly happily met the day. So no matter where I've been, what I've learned, who I've asked for help, I end up hating the day for coming. God this sucks. But that's my destiny.
I should also add, as pertains to the the six or seven days a week; I'm up every day by six and get my ass to work, but I work has always entailed high precision, complex processes. My work is excellent however more and more of the "work" I do is overcoming anxiety / depression. I have no one to rely on. People rely on me. It slows me down.
I suppose the simple answer is that no matter how hard you work, if people aren't buying what your selling, expenses don't meet income. The hard part to understand is, how it could go on for so long.
For my part I just can't see any options, so I plod along. I used to be the idea guy, but things just keep getting worse. The reason no one has taken away my business already is a bit more murky; but I think it's just that so many people are in such bad shape, I'm still a small fish. It's just a little one man operation any more and they can't expect me to pay anything if they shut me down. I suppose everyone hopes things will just get better.
It's only here and rarely anywhere else that I face up to the fact that I'm just digging a deeper hole. I suppose I've always gotten credit for sticking with something (not very often for me) and in the end, somehow my hard work will gain me mercy.
I added below a bit I wrote. I guess I could add that perhaps, other than coffee and a peaceful sunrise, the only thing that motivates me is the work.:
Basically I'm completely tapped out. I owe well over $100,000 in back taxes, have leans on my house, a second mortgage, and have been taken early withdrawals from I retirement account. Basically, buying this business five years ago, and trying to run it myself will soon turn out to have been a complete and utter disaster. But I don't care. I suppose that deserves a bit of explanation.
If I hadn't taken on this business. I would have my house payed off in another five years. So why do I look at all this pain and suffering and tell myself I would do it again? I'm looking at homelessness, I'm estranged from a daughter I dearly love (I just don't have the time or energy to draw her into my life), I'll have to get rid of 95% of my belongings. I don't want any of this. Why don't I care?
I did a lot of work on this house; put so much of my creative self into it. And the same can be said for this business. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, perhaps, it's because this disaster fits the architecture of my life. I've always been able to achieve, to impress, but never to earn. I'm still surprised I had the opportunity to buy this house at all. I sort of feel like it appeared in my life, not for me but in order to shelter my child. And now she's grown, she shows no interest in the house, my life, any of her possessions here. Perhaps it's my destiny to let it all slip away.
How can I care when, no matter how hard I struggle, how much I work, it's never enough to earn a position in the American dream? What I do know is I'm only at peace for slivers of the day, in the quite of the morning, lying in bed, sitting drinking coffee, typing at the computer. This is a constant in my life. Precious few are memories of a day when I jumped out of bed and boldly happily met the day. So no matter where I've been, what I've learned, who I've asked for help, I end up hating the day for coming. God this sucks. But that's my destiny.
I should also add, as pertains to the the six or seven days a week; I'm up every day by six and get my ass to work, but I work has always entailed high precision, complex processes. My work is excellent however more and more of the "work" I do is overcoming anxiety / depression. I have no one to rely on. People rely on me. It slows me down.
Last edited by Frame on Thu Jul 11, 2013 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
Frame,
I guess your work doesn't pay that much. Perhaps you don't charge enough.
I do a lot of little electrical jobs. My nephew just got a job as an electrician and does little jobs on the week-end, the very first job he did, he charged more than I do, and quit a bit more. So it tells me that all this time, I could have charged more and people would most likely have paid.
It seems to me that you should be in a line of work where your creativity is more in demand, unless your work demands creativity.
How did you get into that kind of business anyway, did you have experience in that field?
I wish I could give you some advice but I'm in the same boat as you.
I guess your work doesn't pay that much. Perhaps you don't charge enough.
I do a lot of little electrical jobs. My nephew just got a job as an electrician and does little jobs on the week-end, the very first job he did, he charged more than I do, and quit a bit more. So it tells me that all this time, I could have charged more and people would most likely have paid.
It seems to me that you should be in a line of work where your creativity is more in demand, unless your work demands creativity.
How did you get into that kind of business anyway, did you have experience in that field?
I wish I could give you some advice but I'm in the same boat as you.
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