Life could be going better

[RawPaws]

Alright, so this is my first post here. I really hope this is in the right category. If this is in the wrong place I can put it in a different board. I originally wasn't going to post anything but then something happened that pushed me over the edge and I just need to get some of this pent up stuff out somewhere, maybe get a little help with it.

First I think I oughta start with a little background info. My family has had a long history of depression and metal disorder, especially on my mom's side. My mother was put into a mental health clinic for a while when I was a baby, and my uncle on my mother's side put himself in a mental health facility due to rage issues. Additionally my grandmother on that side would talk to the television thinking it was talking to her and had at least once jumped out of a moving car for no particular reason. She passed away when I was in middle school I think, and at the end she completely lost touch with reality. Then there's the abuse issues on that side, and on my dad's side I'm not sure what exactly happened because he tends to shy on the details, but the mental health on his side isn't exactly flawless either. So that should give some idea on where I'm coming from I guess. A little about me personally, I have massive confidence problems, paranoia, I cry whenever I think of anything in my past that's generally a month or more back (especially anything in my childhood), I was molested when I was a child by my older cousin, and I occasionally have suicidal urges but I don't think I'll ever act on them, way too terrified by the concept of death.

Jumping to now, I moved from Colorado to Kansas to live with my girlfriend 2 months ago. I really miss my family back at home. Lots of times I'll just break down and cry thinking about them, and it's just getting worse. Plus I started searching for work about 2 weeks after I got here, and that's not going well at all and I'm running really short of cash (down to $11 now), so I'm getting very very stressed about money. These two things are stressing my issues more, making things way harder for me. I'm breaking down and crying a lot, I snap into these rages, and my peculiarities are kicking into overdrive.

I have this thing where I have to check all the doors an even number of times, but not adding up to 6. If I hear a weird click I have to do it again. I have to do the same thing with all the light switches in my room, and I have to double check that every lid and cap on things in the fridge I put away are on there tightly but not too tight multiple times (again, even numbers). When brushing my teeth, I must end on an even number above 30, and if I get even the smallest bit of doubt I have to restart whatever the doubt crept in on (every door, every light switch, every cap, re-brush the teeth, floss properly, more mouthwash swished properly). I hesitate to call it OCD because that hasn't been diagnosed and I feel like it's an insult to people who have it really bad, but whatever it is it needs to stop but the more depressed and stressed I get the worse that gets.

So what made me finally post something today is I got an email about my student loans, that those are coming back to haunt me and I have no money and no job. I went into a short panic and now that I've calmed I decided that I need to get some of this out there and try to get some help, some suggestions about how to deal with this stuff. I'm always resistant to seeking help for this kind of stuff because I don't want to come off as whiny or ungrateful. There are good things in my life; my girlfriend loves me unconditionally and tries to help, I have food usually, have a roof over my head and a good internet connection, plus central air never hurts. It's just I can't shake these feelings and it's crushing me.

Sorry for the rambling. Short version: I'm really sad and really stressed, largely because I can't find a job and I moved away from my home and am rarely in contact with my family, and I don't know what to do. I'm filled with this sadness and rage and it's making me miserable, I don't know how to deal with it (other than getting lots of food and buying things I don't need/ don't have the money for).

What are ways I can cope with my issues and hopefully not fall into these weeping fits, rages, and panics? And probably more importantly, how can I pull myself back out of these rages, weeping fits, and panics?

[fallen]

the good thing is you have an understanding and loving girlfriend and you can see the good things in your life and appreciate them that's an important step.
stress can bring on mental illness, your financial situation is one of your triggers.
i suggest you go talk to a professional or some one who can listen to you.
it sounds you have ocd but being diagnosed properly will help.
ocd can be managed though i know it can be a pain you can control it, remember you are in control.
being in debt is normal neally everyone in the world has a mortgage, paying off cars etc.
take deep breaths when your getting stressed and look at the larger picture.
know that someone cares .
take care