my story (trigger)

[TackingIntoTheWind]

" A machine that needs to be replaced. A machine that doesn't deserve the respect, the care the time that you give to me. My fear is that one day, you, all of you, will see what I see when i look in the mirror. "
I often experience those feelings myself, so it is with genuine understanding, sympathy and respect that I can...disagree with you ENTIRELY, (((( Obayan ))))
I don't see you as a " broken machine ", and I absolutely fail to imagine any way that you ever could be replaced. ( Unless, of course, you were to go through a stellar anomaly and be exactly duplicated, like in that Star Trek: Voyager episode where there were two exactly identical Captain Janeways...I'm a GEEK...it's not my fault, it's how I think... )
Seriously though, I don't see you as a " broken machine " at all. I would tend to see you, as I'm trying to see myself, and others, as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable " masterpiece ". Like a Stradivarius violin perhaps. Are you perfect? No, but then again, who is? ( Certainly, not moi...! ) But, to return to my analogy, over the decades any Stradivarius will accumulate some chips, dents scars, it will acquire damage, need repair. It will never again be as perfect, flawless, unblemished as a fresh-from-the-factory new violin. But, that Stradivarius will have a tone, a sweetness, and a " voice " that is literally irreplaceable, unique.
And, THAT is the way I see you. Your last two posts, that you posted today, are prime examples of this, for me. Your 12:22 am post, so helped me to focus on the day that I'm having and not the future that I find it so easy to fear. I SOOOO do not want to let " the moment " pass. So reminders like yours are very good for me.
( In fact, on Monday as I was leaving the house heading for my 'bus to work, I made a point of " taking in the moment. " I noticed that in the sky there was a perfect rainbow. Not, a partial rainbow, but a complete rainbow, all the way across the sky, with one end emerging from trees on my left and another end going into trees on my right. And, I paused for a moment just to drink in the perfect shape and colours of it in the blue sky. )
So, (((( Obayan )))), you have my respect, gratitude and admiration for all the help, advice, and support!

[Obayan]

((( tracking )))) always there with that little bit of extra strength i need to keep fighting. Ty my friend. I love you.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks (((( Obayan ))))! If I am " always there with that little bit of extra strength " you need to keep fighting, that means a tremendous amount to me.
Afterall, you've so often done the same for me, and, I'm sure, for so many other people on this site.
I still very often find it hard to talk about my feelings of depression/anxiety. ( Who am I kidding? I'm British. I come from the nation that invented, perfected and holds the global patent on " emotional constipation "! We find it hard to talk about our feelings about almost anything! ) So, I do treasure the ability to talk to you, (((( Obayan )))), ( And all of the other " usual suspects " here on this site, of course. ), about these things. It truly wouldn't be the same without you.
( Although, while I do think of you as a friend, this won't stop me " doing the nagging " if you don't take care of yourself! )
Seriously though, do look after yourself...

[Obayan]

I haven't been writing much lately. Sorry for that. Been having the usual up and down days. Right now just trying to hang on. It seems there is always so much always going on. It helps so much knowing you are all here for me. Care about me. I don't know what i'd do without all you here.

[Eric0620]

Hi Obayan,

Sorry you've been having a rough time! Yes, we are all here for you, as you are always there for us giving us support. Indeed, I alone, care about you and I know lots and lots of others do, too! We're with you, Obayan! ((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))

Sincerely,
Eric

[TackingIntoTheWind]

((( Obayan )))), I'm sorry to hear that your days are " up and down ". There are times when I also find it difficult to write much, or do much of anything except " hold on ". So, I can sympathise, and I am so sorry that you're feeling so low, and that you're finding that " there is always so much always going on. "
Still, I do feel that the important thing is that you ARE holding on, and that you ARE helping the rest of us hold on. For just as knowing that we are all here for you, ( And we are!!!! ), helps you to hold on, knowing that you are holding on, and are therefore still there for us, helps us to hold on too. ( I'm sorry that sentence turned out so long, but hopefully you know what I mean!!!! )
Please feel free to post anything you want to about how you're feeling, we really are here for you. Or, if you don't feel up to it at the moment, please remember that we are all " rooting for you "! Please do take care of yourself!

[Obayan]

((( eric ))) ty so much. I'm glad to be able to add you to the growing list of wonderful people here.

((( tracking ))) Life does have a way of happening despite our best laid plans. Jan will be 3 years, but i still miss my husband. Today, i got into a discussion in chat room talking about the memories. Someday I'll learn how to do that without triggering myself. But at least now, it was only upsetting and not devestating. I took a step back, got something to eat, took a few deep breaths and I think i'm ok. I think i'm going to be ok.

People don't realise jut how hard it is surviving. It's so easy just to give up. I don't think I ever took the easy way to anything. heh. But I'm getting by. I have my volunteer work to keep me busy. And I have the grandbabies full time now that my daughter is working again. I'm not sewing very much, but I'm trying to make more time for it. I have my wonderfully amazing friend I call and talk to each day. And I have all of you astoundingly awesome people here to hang onto.

I have a good life if you stop and think about it actually. I make a decent income (not great, but ok) and don't have to work for it. I worked my whole life (since 13) and now i'm retired on a pention. I have a nice home with plenty of space. So far I'm still takeing care of myself on my own with minimal help from my daughter. Although that need for help is slowly increasing. I'm able to help those around me. I don't have my car anymore because they won't allow me to drive anymore, but that just means my daughter has a really cool car now. And the memories i've built over the years are enough to put a smile on my face most days. I have my best friend I get to talk to whenever I want to give her a call. I have bad days still, but i always will have bad days. Can't have the good without the bad to keep us grounded. My health has finally stablized I think. At least the surgeries and tests are over with for now. I have a 2 month supply of meds on the shelf which I sometimes take. I have a beautiful daughter who is so smart and always comes running anytime I say i need her. I have 2 grandchildren that aggrevate the hell out of me most days but i wouldn't trade them or the time i spend with them for anything in the world.

I have a lot to be thankfull for. A lot to look forward to. A lot of wonderfull friends here. So I don't understand why I keep feeling the way I do. Most days are a mediocre blah. Not good or bad. Just there. One day bleeding into the next. I have good days, and bad days. The good days are wonderful. I almost remember what it was like to be the old me again. The bad days, even they are a welcomed relief to the monotony of day to day living. Talk about a yo-yo... ugh. This started out so well.....

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Good to hear from you, (((( Obayan ))))!
I must admit that I do quite often have days when I find it hard to avoid seeing even a rainbow in various shades of gray. And, I do find that I also have days when even a relatively small negative experience will really " knock me back ". So, I also feel that some people don't know how difficult it is just to cope sometimes.
But, I've also found a great number of people who do understand this, and have gone out of their way to give me a hand and help me along in all sorts of perhaps little to them, but vital to me, ways. ( Including, of course, your good self, and all the other members of this site! )
So, I'm glad that there is so much good in your life, and that you are here, and I'm grateful for your post, and the way that it's made me aware, again, of how much good there is in my own life, and how much I, myself, have to be grateful for...

[Obayan]

That time of year again...... can't stop the memories from coming. Or the tears. I wish it would end. I'm so tired.

[Obayan]

Strangely enough, i haven't had time to think about Harlan yet. I'll have to schedule my breakdown for next week.....

[Obayan]

It seems one of the meds i was on started attacking my kidneys.... got of them really quick. Have a big workup scheduled for monday to see if we caught it in time.

[Obayan]

big day today. It's thanksgiving here in the states and i been cooking for 2 days. I wasn't going to celebrate this year again. Not even with my daughter and grandbabies. My wonderfully beautifull sister-in-law said "nope, not having that" and showed up with a turkey, ham and all the trimmings. Now i just have to cook it all. lol. I have most of it done already. I did the deviled eggs, mashed potatoes, individual cherry and strawberry cheesecakes, honey glazed ham, cherry pie and pumpkin pie yesterday. Have the turkey and dressing in the oven right now. Hopefully i'll have enough time to actually bake the rolls i rolled out this morning. Oh, I still have to the garlic and bacon seasoned green beans too. I think it's going to end up being a very nice day. Not sure why i was so hell bent on makeing it a miserable day for myself. Maybe i feel i deserve it? idk. I feel guilty for still being here and he's not. I hope that makes sence....

[Obayan]

it happened. my worst nightmare. i was contacted by my family today. The family i grew up with. all the memories. all the pain. it's right here right now in full color. what do you do when your past comes back to haunt you? idk if i can handle this.

[Obayan]

Two days left to go in the month, last roll of toilet paper, last bottle of coke to drink, two pieces of meat left, one can of soup. I'm so sick of living this way! I will be so glad when the new year starts and the new budget is put into effect in my house. No more helping others unless i've done something to help myself first.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit that I'm a bit apprehensive about posting this reply, (((( Obayan )))).
While I have had experience of depression, I didn't by, by the Grace of God, have the extremely painful childhood experiences that you did. So, I'm always very apprehensive that anything I might say may sound rather trite or cliched.And, being a man, I also have a suspicion that I may have the male tendency to try to " fix " situations rather than the female tendency to " listen ".
But, as someone else who is also down to their last roll of toilet paper, perhaps you won't mind if I at least try to be a little supportive, ( And hope someone else can weigh in with some actual wisdom later on...)
I don't remember who said it, it might well have been you (((( Obayan )))), but I remember reading a post from somebody on this site once in which they said that when you felt that you just couldn't cope, the best way to carry on was " to do the next right thing. " Go to the Doctor's appointment, the psychiatrist's appointment, go to the post office and pay the electricity bill, etc, etc...Just keep taking the next step. And, that's advice that's served me well on many occasions.
I've never felt what you felt when your family contacted you. But, I have known, in different circumstances, what it's like to feel overwhelmed and not feel as if I can cope. It's important for me , in times like that to hold onto to the idea that it WILL pass, that there WILL be an " after this. " ( Easier said than done, as I'm painfully aware! )
Perhaps it's also easier for me in moments like that to focus on " tactics " rather than " strategy ". To focus on small " tactical " changes to help and heal myself, like having a healthy meal or getting to a Doctor's appointment, rather than getting bogged down in all of the " big picture ", that can seem so frightening and overwhelming.
I hope you won't mind if I remind you that you DID cope with the three days between your last two posts. So, I hope you won't mind if I ask you to cope with the next few days as well, and to please carry on coping, helping yourself first as you say, and hopefully drawing at least a little comfort from all those who are wishing you well. All those who are hoping that you will find your way to better days, as you have helped so many others to do...!