LETS JUST GET RID OF THIS

[xn728]

it was after the fire i heard from my mam my dad had begun to drink ,
not just at the pub ,but at home as well .my fault of course ,another far reaching touch from the young anti christ ,,mam didnt contact me very
often but it was always bad news ,,i deserve of course ,more payment
for my sins ,as the years went by she told me how he was womanising
and boozing more ,how he had never given her money when i was a kid ,saying thats why she never bought me anything ,ahh well at least im clear of blame for that one ,,then out of the blue ,around 15 years ago
she wrote me to tell he had left her ,how the strain of losing everything in the fire ,had pushed him over the edge ,and hed gone off with someone i used to go to school with ,,ok why didnt she just come over and shoot me dead ,lets be done with this ,,few mounths later shes rang fran telling her about my fathers indescrestions ,,ok so fran then gets it into her head that because my dad had left my mam after all those years i was going to do the same ,this made her very in secure and we had a rough year
but it passed and she came to know that i had always been true and that it would always be that way. but here you can see why i will never be free of that fateful night because i do still get letters not from my mother but from other relatives and they alway glady remind me of who i am and what i did ,,thanks for letting me dump it here its helped
so you see the fire has never gone out it still smoulders ,,,,,,thanks
for listening hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

I am so sorry that I never have anything wise to say. I wish I could help you with this. My brain is mush and just won't function any more. Please know that I am here and reading and sending feelings of comfort your way. I wish you didn't have to suffer.

[xn728]

mich thank you ,just to know your ok and here with us is all i ask ,
i dont write here for reward ,i do it to give comfort hopefully ,,
just great to hear you mmmmich hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

As you all know my life is very volatile ,each day i wake never knowing how i will feel ,the complex way i use my mind to survive this endless battle ,becomes confused ,and almost uncontrolable some times ,and you
must know ,that each day i wake could be the day i become silent ,not a threat or a cry for help ,not to make you sad ,hopefully not to make you glad ,so each night in the garden i light a candle ,it burns all night so you
may see the light ,as you struggle in your own little piece of darkness ,
and you can make your way to the warmth you will find hidden within that
little flame ,ive burnt these candles for a long time now ,and each night on lighting ,i wish for us all something better to come ,i know its out there
for us to find ,if the silence should over take me ,think of the candle and the wish ,and follow the light no matter how faint and distant it may seem ,
for it will burn in my heart for ever ,but unlike the other flames i see ,it will bring you comfort im sure as i have found comfort in you my freinds
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

I can see your candle and it always brings me comfort and warmth. Wishing the same for you today.

[xn728]

tonights candle has just been lit my dear mich ,soon you will bathe in its warmth and glow ,,always think of it mich and see that beacon of hope in
your mind ,always ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx hope you feel better

[Misty]

((((Ken))))
For all the kind thoughts and words you give to comfort others certainly you can turn that inwards to yourself because we evolve over time and constantly changing in small ways. You must know who you 'really' are and not what those that can't stop themselves from finger-pointing think. Our family here will always be.

Reach for the stars but don't tickle my feet,
Misty

[Misty]

Brother,
I forgot to say that i'm not above anyone or in the sky, I just love the thought of being up there in all that beauty.

Misty

[xn728]

THANKS MISTY kind words from you my dear freind ,another year another
struggle ,i cannot be forgiven ,or find happiness ,like the doctor said a few
weeks ago ,cant do anything for you ,just keep you stable ,,but slowly
i lose the will ,,and like the candle i burn everynight for my freinds ,I to burn out slowly
but surely everyday a little more of my brain becomes darker and my veiw on life grows a little dimmer ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[Misty]

No, absolutely NOT,
You can't back out or leave until school is out. For one I don't trust everything doctors say and secondly candles have a wonderful light to them and some give off lovely perfumes. I know it's easy to not take one's own advice, guilty here, but don't ever give up my friend. There are many that need you. Oh, by the way, this class is very, very long.

One of your extended family,
Misty

[xn728]

were could i back out to misty my freind ,theres no were to go is there
ive looked for so many years and i cant find anywere to run to ,the love of my family keeps me from ending this miserable existance ,ive always made it clear if i had been alone here ,i would be gone in a flash ,even have it all planned ,gives me some sort of comfort ,so theres nowere to
go misty ,but i have to say how i feel ,,the end for me will bring no peace it will just be transistion from human to demon ,and i will walk this earth as some poor innocents depression ,for day by day i feel weaker ,the happiness ive felt recently has made the pain i have now even more unbearable ,this is why i fear the closeness of the forum ,,this cage or barrier i have built around myself is for others protection not mine ,you have shown me much kindness misty ,and i have shown you who i am
in what i sent you ,if you feel closeness to me ,just be careful ,dont let
the creature within touch you with its cold fingers ,,,,,,,
remember i need to let things out to ,the words can be strange but it does
need to be free,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs my dear sister ,,,,,,ken xxx

[xn728]

see how i make you worry ,i type something deep about the way im feeling and alarm bells start to ring ,i cant hurt myself ,fran needs me
her life in a few years will become worse ,and i will be at her side ,and even though i will still be in dark times i will care for her and make her life as comfortable as i can ,and we will undoubtably cry together ,but
we will laugh together also ,my life belongs to her ,the visitor can not take ,nor can i. the visitor has a big part of my mind ,and it destroys that daily ,little by little ,but the part of my mind i control at least for now serves me well ,i do get confused a lot and often doubt myself ,,lots of times i will post and have to keep going back to make sure i havent left
anything bad or that could be misread ,almost obsessive this has become
even now i sense something somewere is wrong,and its driving me crazy ,but the feelings i have must be set free ,dont worry my life is not my own ,let me vent ,and dont forget ,my words come from the pain also ,so in the darkness there is also light for many ,,this is why sometimes i hide my pain ,i to know the worry of many freinds who call out ,words are all i have ,and this makes me feel hopeless that i can do nothing more ,to lift
your burden ,,,take care dear freinds ,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

ive just spent half an hour going over the posts ive written today again ,this is driving me mad ,its getting to be obsesive ,i keep thinking
ive written something that will not read as it is supposed to and be taken the wrong way ,its like the door thing i think i mensioned this before ,when
we go out anywere ,i have to turn around at the end of the street to make
sure ive locked the door ,sometimes twice ,,and when ive been out in the garden i have to keep wiping the door handles in the house when i touch them with my hand ,,also everything has to be straight ,example a tv remote has to sit in line with the table ,not at an angle oh no that wont do
same as the car it has to be parked straight on the carpark in line with the gate ,but the forum thing is new, a week maybe ,everytime i post i sit and worry i try to reason with myself but it wins in the end and i have to check ,you know what this is as well as i do ,the visitor trying to take the only ,support i have ,,i know !,,its very cunning ,,,hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

Hiya ken, i get quite anxious with checking things too, thinking i haven't locked the door is a big one for me too,i also get really upset posting letters and forms - convinced that i've forgotten something or written something i shouldn't or that it won't get there ok. when i was at university i'd take ages reading and re-reading essays before i gave them in, terrified i'd written something 'wrong' or accidentally written something from my own thoughts. I am quite obsessive about germs too, mainly at work,i can't eat any of the nursery food even though it all looks really delicious and i have to wash my hands really thoroughly before touching my mouth and i get really anxious if any of the children try to touch my mouth (but i hide this from them)

hard to know what to say from one worrier to another but i find my symptoms die down a bit when my overall anxiety is lower

[xn728]

THANKS LISA it least i know you have this to ,im funny about my hands
to say ive worked in oil and grease all my life ,im absolutly paranoid about
having dirty hands these days ,,,and the door handle thing drives me mad
well lisa i think were special ,were gifted ,and i dont mean this in a bad way either ,these may be things we dont understand ,but we blessed with
special thoughts and feelings ,,,,,,see ya later lisa hugs ken xxx