We are all grey and maybe that's okay?

[Snowbear]

For most of my life, I was seen as “the good one” - understanding, reasonable, no-drama, no-trouble. The kind of person someone could rely on, or even confidently swear on to get away with an otherwise “immoral” situation. Not that it made me anything extraordinary or special. If anything, it was a ridiculous image people had formed of me that also added unwanted pressure on me. Because I was never really that easy of a person.

They saw me that way because I tolerated a lot quietly, avoided confrontation, and often chose peace over conflict. But that never meant I was naive, unaware, or okay with everything. I feel things deeply, have strong opinions, and am far more affected by people’s actions than I show. Yet I spent most of my life being dismissed, dominated, and expected to absorb it quietly.

Deep down, I always knew there were more complicated parts of me - intense, particular, difficult. I kept them hidden because I valued peace, lacked the strength to fight back, and often avoided battles I knew I couldn’t win.

Lately, though, I tried to stand up for myself, set boundaries, and fight for my rights, both personally and professionally.

And I failed badly at both.

I was no longer the easygoing person people could dump on or expect to tolerate everything. Suddenly, I was the bad one. Maybe I can come across that way. When you finally fight back after years of holding things in, everything can come out at once. I feel deeply, and I don’t always express that pain gracefully.

I watched it backfire.

People forget years of patience and start judging you by the one moment you finally broke. Earlier, I could be hurting inside and still look like an angel because I never made a noise about it.
Now I have both - the hurt and the evil label that comes with finally showing the human parts of me that don’t fit their delusion of an angel.
Because humans aren’t angels. We can only tolerate so much. Eventually, when enough buttons are pushed, something breaks.

What I have realized is that life isn’t always about what or who is right or wrong. Most of the time, it’s about how well you express your side and how convincingly you can make people see it. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in me.

Being right doesn’t always mean being understood. Being good doesn’t always mean being treated well. And standing up for yourself doesn’t guarantee that people will still see you as the good person.

At the end of the day, we’re all human - imperfect, complicated and contradictory. That doesn’t make us monsters. Good and bad parts can coexist. Reason why we are still on earth as humans and not in heaven as angels.

We are who we are. We are all grey. And maybe that’s okay...

[christinejohn]

The idea that we are all grey reminds us that nobody is perfect, and everyone has different experiences. Life is not always black and white. When facing challenges, some people search for phrases like Take my HISET exam for me, but steady preparation can build confidence, knowledge, and independence.

[Tom57]

The original poster (christinejohn) sounds exactly like me and it's a great post, thank you so much. I will be 70 years old pretty soon (hard to believe!).

When I was much younger I was shy and easy going. In remembering my younger days, I felt like I was way too kind to others. Well
shoot, I was even nice to bullies. I felt like I was so nice, easily forgiving, and low-tempered. With all of the niceness I had, there was nothing to show for it. People took advantage of me and that's what I got instead of being rewarded nicely.

Now, and within the last couple of decades, I'm not like that anymore. I tend to build walls around me in letting people in. If anyone gets on the wrong side of me I sweep them away, and sometimes, I'll call them out on their bad behavior. My life hasn't improved much with being as I am now, but I feel better in not putting up with bad people like I used to.

I guess, with years of being as I was, it pretty much created depression within me. So that's how it is.