I haven't seen my therapist in awhile...

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I haven't seen my therapist in awhile...

Postby Ms.Sheep » Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:55 am

I haven't seen my therapist in awhile and I really should start acknowledging my problems.
Long story short, I've been living with depression for the last two years, I've been diagnosed for a year, took medication for a year but stopped at some point (I really don't remember) and I haven't seen my therapist since last fall (I think) but stopped because she kinda talked like a robot...like she was reciting something she read. Plus she kind of talked to me like I'm some little kid so I just stopped.

I kind of just want to get some things off my chest, is I don't at least right them, I might forget about them or push them off like I always do.

For one, I'm kind of lost. I've been taking medication (I probably shouldn't say what on the internet but it's pretty common for depression), particularly prozac. It's supposed to help with anxiety, but I don't think it did anything for me. Last fall was the start of my freshman year, it was also when I attempted to hang myself before school. Of course, at the last second I bailed. I was worried about failure. After that, I had a panic attack because I knew I had to go to school, it was inevitable. It's not like I can be absent on my 3rd day. But, when I was at school, I was horribly nauseous, dizzy, hot and sweaty. Even worse, the nausea followed me home (I've always been nauseous on the first day, but it never lasted the whole day and it was never this bad). This lasted for a few days. At the time, I was taking my exact recommended dose every day. While I wasn't diagnosed with anxiety, prozac is supposed to help with it, it even said on the bottle. Even after winter break, I was horribly nauseous (not as bad as the first day of school, though). In fact,for several weeks, I couldn't eat breakfast in the morning because I'd always be slightly nauseous, but just enough to where I couldn't eat anything. Plus, still got irrationally nervous over little things, like getting a haircut or something.

I've also been having memory problems as well, I've posted about it before. Apparently certain medications can do that but even though I haven't been taking it for awhile, I'm still having memory problem.

I also haven't seen my dad since last year. Last year we got into a big fight (but it was more along the lines of him getting angry because I was being a bit cold. At the time I was dealing with a lot but I wasn't about to tell him). He said stuff like "This is why your mom doesn't want you around" because I told him that the only reason I went to his apartment on the weekends was because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and my mom was always working so much, I didn't want to burden her on the weekends too. My dad and I never really had a relationship. He only ever liked me when I acted a certain way and he would flip out over stupid things. Like he would always make a big deal over why I didn't finish my food even though I was like 12 and not a 4 year old who needs to be constantly monitored. Whenever my brother or I felt sad or angry (especially out it public) he was never exactly compassionate. He would say something along the lines of 'what's wrong?' but is way that kind of meant 'why are you acted like this? why are you ruining what's supposed to be fun?' But he cleaned up his act once he got a girlfriend. And it just so happens that on the weekend she wasn't there, he exploded and that's when we got into the huge fight. Also, he kind of humiliated me in public. He, after taking a shower, was still mad. (While he was in the shower I calmed down, stopped crying, and watched something on my phone). He was mad at me and I was still kinda messed up after the fight. He told me to get my shoes on, he wanted me and my brother to go to the grocery store with him. But I said I didn't want to, I didn't exactly want to go into public. He talked to me in a mocking tone. The car ride there was silent, but it felt really weird in the worst way possible. I don't know why, but I was holding back tears (I never cried, so I didn't know why I was letting go so many tears in one day). But I didn't want him to notice, but he did. He ordered me to push the cart and I said nothing. He then went on about how I wasn't respectful enough, how ungrateful I was and how he doubted I even knew how to do my own laundry and stuff (even through I was 14 and have been doing my own laundry for quite awhile). I told him that I did do stuff. Like how I was learning to cook from my mom (my therapist said doing stuff like hat might be helpful). He kinda just made fun of me and stuff. My brother didn't say anything. My dad is the master of saying things that aren't inherently mean, but you could tell by the way he says it that he doesn't mean it in a nice way. I think that's why he was so comfortable talking like that in front of other people. Then when we went into an empty isle, he then started saying that actually mean stuff. He noticed I was holding back tears and he made fun of me and said stuff like 'what? are you gonna cry?'. Him saying that only made me wanna cry even more. I asked my brother to get my dad to lay off, but it seemed like he only cared about avoiding us making a scene in public. I know it's not his fault, but I really wish he stood up for me. When we were in checkout, I saw this guy in in front of us. He looked like he might be a dad himself. He saw my face and looked sad. I dunno why, but that made me really sad and made it harder to hold back tears. When we got to the car (as we were driving) I kinda just lost his a cried. I was doing that sort of hyperventilating thing you do when you're crying so much it's hard to breathe. My dad said 'What are you hyperventilating now? What are you doing that for'
The car ride was pretty much me yelling 'please stop' my brother yelling at my dad to stop and my dad yelling at my brother. That saturday we left my dad's house early. My brother called my mom. My aunt (my dad's sister) tried to convince me that my dad wasn't all that bad. I know she didn't mean to, but she kinda just made me feel guilty for not seeing my dad. I still feel guilty for not seeing him. I've felt guilty since I started to avoid him.

On a separate topic, I sometimes get this weird feeling that (when I'm in public) people can read my thoughts. I don't know why, but I think I've been becoming a bit paranoid these past few months. It's hard to explain.

Lately, I've been feeling like I can't sit still either. Like, I constantly need to be doing something. For example, I need to practice my guitar, but then I should also work on my comics and my drawing and that I should also get back into running and working out. It really sucks. Things like TV and movies feel like a waste of time. I feel like it's hard to really just relax. Or like when I play video games or something, my mind is telling me I shouldn't but I kinda get this weird feeling that over powers logic and I just keep playing and playing.

I've always hated first days of school, since that's when everyone makes a first impression of you. As you can tell, on the first few days of school, I wasn't exactly a social butterfly. So, in my gym class I kinda went down as 'the quiet kid' and 'the loner'.So, I kinda just became 'the loner'. There was this one boy who talked to me while I was sitting alone. He was nice, and it was real cool of him to talk to me. But he kinda talked to me like I was younger or something. Even though we were both freshmen, he kinda talked to me like I was younger and he was afraid to hurt my feelings. Because I've always filled the 'quiet kid role' (since that was what was expected of me, that's kind of what I became) I been talked to like that before. I hate it.

I feel like my mom doesn't completely understand my depression. I don't bring it up anymore, but when I did, she always kind of had an awkward expression on her face. Like she was uncomfortable.

All in all, I feel like I'm in a box because my pills don't help, I don't want to talk to my mom about it, my first day of my sophomore year is this Thursday and I still feel stupid and guilty for not seeing my dad.

I know this is long, and I don't expect anyone to actually read through all this. I'm not even sure why I'm posting it here. I kinda just want to get a few things off my chest so I don't push them off.


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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: I haven't seen my therapist in awhile...

Postby Spleefy » Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:56 am

Hi Ms.Sheep,

Thank you for sharing this. It is important that we all have an opportunity to get stuff off our chest. I remember the post about memory problems. I was wondering how you were getting along. I'm sorry to hear that the memory issue hasn't been resolved. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment, which can affect our memory. I'm sure it is only temporary.

I'm awfully sorry to hear that your relationship with your family, especially with your dad, is not so good. I wish I had a better relationship with my family. I think the rest of my family members and I just have different core values and priorities in life that clashes. Maybe you can sit down with your dad and explain how it hurts your feelings when he does what he does. Then again, I would imagine you have already tried and it didn't go so well.

My father and I don't speak. I haven't seen him for nineteen years, and have not spoken to him for seventeen years. All it takes is one miscommunication or disagreement for something like that to happen. I hope that your relationship with your dad improves not all too long.

My father once taught me when I was twelve or thirteen, to "never take sides when two people argue, especially if it is between family and friends." He said that when you do, and they make up, you will become the common enemy. Well, that certainly happened when I sided with my sister when my father was apparently verbally abusive to her. The outcome: I became the enemy and they both saw me as scum.

Possibly not exactly the same in your situation with your brother. I think it is good to have someone stand up for us at appropriate times and especially in a diplomatic fashion. But my father's advice about taking sides may have some validity, as I learnt the hard way.

What you wrote was not at all that long. You get as much as you need off your chest--that is what is most important.

I hope your relationship improves between you and your family. Perhaps you can be a good role model to them of how family should be. Show them that family should be loving, patient, kind, and understanding. Even though they should be setting that example, there are times when we need to take the lead and set the standards for the lost sheep to follow. I know how odd that is because it really should be the other way 'round. But life can strange like that.

In my situation, a number of family members dislike me or think the worst of me. That is fine--it is water off a duck's back. They will call me all kinds of things or think of me in unfounded and nasty ways. But I just keep on saying nice things to them, praising them for the good things they do (rather than criticizing the ugly things they do) and give them tons of love. They can't really retort then haha. Also, in this way, I remain calm and loving, and avoid dropping my standards down to theirs. I also realize that, when you raise your standards, you will get some people trying to keep you down to theirs, whether by attempting to inflate themselves or to be nasty to keep you down.

This may be a bit off from your situation, but it is something that will be indispensable in social relations during your life, whether with family, friends, or strangers.

Keep posting when you need to get stuff off your chest. And don't worry about the length. There will be always people that will read and listen to you whenever you need to talk.

Take care of yourself.

Posts: 64
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: I haven't seen my therapist in awhile...

Postby j2415 » Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:40 am

Hello Ms. Sheep,
I’m very sorry for all the struggles you are facing right now.
I pray that your family relationship will go well and you will feel better soon.
If you are not comfortable with your therapist, try to look for another one. He/She can help you with the emotions you are going through.

Please stay strong. Keep us posted, I hope this forum will be helpful to you. May God’s peace and comfort be upon you. Take care.

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