Feeling terrified

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Perdue
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jun 03, 2017 2:59 pm

Feeling terrified

Postby Perdue » Sat Jun 03, 2017 3:56 pm

I'm a 21 year old university student. I started suffering with noticeable anxiety when I was about 17/18 years old. It got particularly bad when I started university, so I plucked up the courage to see a doctor. The first doctor refused to treat me as it wasn't my usual GP surgery, but my usual one was back in my university city, and as I was working it was too difficult to get back. A few weeks after that I had a nervous breakdown, had to leave my job and went to see a doctor in my university city. He was very supportive and suggested that I had anxiety. He sent me for tests and told me to go back, but I didn't.

I've still been getting the anxiety, but have been trying self-help techniques to learn to cope with it. Recently however, my anxiety has become almost crippling and I've noticed myself becoming depressed. I've been comfort eating and have gained loads of weight. I have been struggling to get out of bed and have lost interest in everything I used to enjoy. There's been points where I literally felt like my life was pointless and that I hated my life. My life is isn't actually that bad though. I'm studying a great degree at a very good university, and I get high grades. I've already had a graduate job offer and have a decent CV as I have worked a lot/done charity work. I have a lot of friends who I speak to often, as well as a boyfriend who treats me well.

I did, however, have quite a difficult childhood and feel like I don't get much support from my family. My mum has had a drinking problem my entire life, and I never used to understand why she drank. She used to refuse help and pretend that everything was okay. She has since been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. My parents are separated - my mum's drinking took a huge toll on our family and my parents used to argue constantly. My dad has been through some traumatic things in his life and was diagnosed with PTSD along with depression. My brother was also diagnosed with anxiety, but seems to be coping a lot better now. Despite all this, nobody seems to be supportive. The other day I felt incredibly depressed and honestly felt like I couldn't cope anymore. I went to talk to my mum about it and burst into tears. She told me to pull myself together and that I can't crumble like that. She said that I have to learn to deal with it like she does. If I ever have a problem she says she doesn't want to hear about it and will shout at me when I get anxious or upset. I tried speaking to my dad, but he told me that I have nothing to be depressed about as I have a good life. My boyfriend is quite supportive and will try his best to help me out, but he says doesn't know what to say.

I just feel like I'm trapped. I feel incredibly lonely and lost and wish more than anything that I could just sit and talk to someone. I had a difficult childhood that none of my friends know about. During my childhood I just did what I could to deal with it and never spoke to anyone about what I went through. A lot of the things were because of my mum's drinking problem, but there were other things as well which nobody knows about. Currently, I feel like my mum is very reliant on me. She doesn't work because of her depression and depends on me financially. I pay rent for my own place then have to help her out with bills and food, and lend her money. She also doesn't drive so depends on me to take her places. I do everything I can to help her out but she can be so cruel in return. She screams at me if I ever do anything wrong and makes me feel guilty all the time. I feel like I need to see a doctor but I'm also terrified. I don't know if I could go on antidepressants, but I also don't know if I could go through counselling. I feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings and that I should suffer in silence. I don't feel like I deserve to be heard and that I have to put on a brave face. I also have to work the entire summer so don't even know where I'd find the time.

I'm sorry this has turned into a really long post and that it's all over the place. Just feeling very lost and scared. I feel like I have nobody I can talk to about this, and that everyone just expects me to pull myself together but I'm really struggling. :(

Noir
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:27 pm

Re: Feeling terrified

Postby Noir » Tue Jun 06, 2017 4:35 pm

Hello :D
I think you absolutely shouldn't continue like this, or you will destroy yourself :( I mean, it's very nice from you that you take care of your mother, but the way that she acts, like you described, is not really thankful... I think you should talk to her, open her eyes a little bit, tell her that you are tired. And you need a little time for yourself. Go to a cinema with friends, read a good book, go jogging, have a dinner with your boyfriend, seed a plant, have an ice-cream. Every morning open your window, breathe the fresh air and try to welcome the new day that has come, and in the night, before sleep, close your eyes, hear your heartbeat and feel thankful for each little think that you have. Watch the stars, hear the birds, feel the sweet taste of a well-baked cake. And do things that you are passionate about; things that you love... Those everyday things make every day brighter ;D And don't be afraid to share your problems with your friends. They could help you carry them ;)
I hope that I helped... If so or not so, don't be afraid to text me :) I'm here to talk about anything ;)


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