My year and a half of Hell

[Hawke53051]

Hello all..

I am having problems trying to find a job like everyone else here. Please indulge me for a bit while I explain. My problems are multifaceted..I need advice on what to do.

Facet 1 - Me: I am a Computer technician by skillset. I repair computers. I am 42. Not formally trained. But I have 30 years experience in the field. My employment history isn't great. I can't hold a job for more than a year. I get bored easily if it isn't computer related and find an excuse to get out of the job. But computer jobs here in the Metro Milwaukee area is few and far between. So I had to settle. My longest job was 2 years being a break/fix technician of Dell laptops and desktops. I don't know anything else as far as being qualified for jobs.

Facet 2 - Lynn: I suppose it all started when my 17 year relationship to the woman I love ended. We have talked and realized it was a mistake to break up. I think she realized she needed me. And I her. But circumstances dictate we can't get back together. As much as I'd like to. She is 21 years my senior. Lynn has become sick and is now in an assisted living facility. We were living with her mother. I was doing the day to day things for them. I was helping my daughter & her mom too. Lynn had steadily become more hostile towards me and her mother. She is bi-polar and hadn't been taking her medications or eating properly or exercising. It was a daily battle. She had a hip replacement done. She did her PT when a worker came to the house, but not follow up. She insisted in sitting in a wheelchair. So, this lead to her having mini-strokes. Looking back on it, I realize the hostility was because of them. But I couldn't take the hostility any more (5 years of taking it.. What would you have done?) I was collecting unemployment from my last job at this time. So I moved out. To my daughter's mom's house.

Facet 3 - Connie & Tammy: My daughter and her mom live together. My daughter (Tammy) is 22. Connie (my daughter's mom) graciously opened her home up to me where I stay now. This was last year. We are out in the country where there is no bus line. We all depend on the only car..Mine.. I came back into my daughter's life 4 years ago in hopes I may get to know her. It does not go well. Tammy prefers to keep me at arm's length. She has had a rough past growing up with every kind of abuse you can imagine. Because of this she doesn't trust men. I feel like she doesn't care about me. She is trying to get her life on track and become her own person. Connie has had much abuse through the years as well. Might I add she still holds a torch for me. The feeling is not mutual. But we have a friends with benefits relationship. She sometimes forgets this and thinks we have a more serious relationship than it is. I am not ready for another relationship. I am still hurting from the breakup with Lynn. Tammy is collecting disability & has a fixed income. Connie has numerous medical problems as well as my daughter. They are seeing a doctor about it. Connie may be able to get disability too.

Facet 4 - Employment & bills: I had been collecting unemployment for awhile. I had gotten desperate and gone back to a former employer(a security firm)to work. I worked for him for months & he let me go. I was an armed security guard and a crossing guard. I was working 3rd shift for the armed security and driving almost an hour for first shift crossing guard. I got Connie a job for crossing guard too. He let both of us go. We both collected unemployment. Hers ran out awhile ago. Mine runs out this week. I have a car payment to make, car insurance, phone bill, and now car repair all due.

I have been looking for work for almost 2 years. I am REALLY feeling the pressure. It's getting to the point where I'm breaking down and crying. I am also losing sleep. I am a member of almost 20 job boards. I apply for jobs and I don't hear from them. I've tried temp agencies,headhunting agencies, resume agencies, everything. When I call prospective jobs back they don't tell me anything or tell me they never heard of me. I have a profile at LinkedIn. I even put that link on my resume header.

What else can I do? I'm about a minute from having a nervous breakdown.

[Frame]

Hawke53051 I just read your post and I'm not sure what I could say right off that would help except that your not alone. Beyond that, it seems you have a puzzle of interlocking problems; the biggest one appears to be mobility for all involved. How far is your nearest charity food bank? I would think the first priority is to keep everyone within reach of decent nutrition and the second priority is to try get everyone the meds. they need.

Beyond that, of course you need work, but you need to keep yourself fed; you need to get a life line set of so that you at least know you can get food and they won't shut off the heat. And your not alone.

Keep us posted. Oh and I know your concern is for two households but your most important home is the one your in.

[Hawke53051]

Food, rent and electric is already taken care of. My daughter takes care of the rent & electric. But she wants to go out on her own soon. So that will be a priority too. Connie takes care of the food. She goes to 2 food banks and we both are on the state food share program. My biggest concern right now (besides my sanity) is getting the car fixed or finding a new vehicle. There isn't anyone I know and I can't afford one. I'm stuck with what I got.

Any suggestions on what I can do?

[Hawke53051]

Does anyone have any advice on what to do besides "hang in there... It'll get better.."?

[Frame]

Well, I'm not sure it will get better; not in the short run. But hang in there anyway. I'm still wondering how far out of town you are. You told me you have the food supply down. But I'm still wondering distances.

When you get the ride worked out (and I think you will somehow) how far are we talking in terms of getting to a place where some kind of employment might be had?
What are the distances between Lynn's home and Connie's home?
I was also wondering what needs fixing on your car.

I know these aren't words of hope and miracles but I can't see very far into your life. Knowing this little, it's hard to make suggestions. I'm also hoping you'll tell us a little more about your life, your extended family. Do you have brothers or sisters. Are your parents about. I'm sorry in advance if these questions are painful. If we knew a bit more about how you grew up, someone might think of something.

[Alaska1958]

I would ad something. I have a friend up here who has a skill set somewhat like yours. He came up here several years ago and has had pretty good results getting jobs. For instance he worked in one of the bush villages for several years running the computer system for the school there. You might consider trying to contact one of the village corporations about job prospects. Tanana Chiefs Conference would be one of the bigger ones around Fairbanks.

It's just an idea, Alaska may not be your cup of tea, but it's usually not a bad place to find a job.

Good luck my friend

[Hawke53051]

@Frame - I am in Stone Bank..(at Connie's place) An outskirt of Oconomowoc, WI. The nearest place for employment walking is 1.5 hours in Oconomowoc proper. It takes 15 minutes driving to get here. There is no bus lines. I would have to move to Milwaukee to get on a bus line. Lynn is in an assisted living center right now in Jefferson (about 30 minutes away from me driving..) Connie goes to 2 food pantries for food. She has a friend take her... As for my car goes, I have no idea what's wrong with it.

As for my life, I don't have one. I can't afford anything. I'm disowned from my extended family. My mother & father are passed. I don't have any friends save one. And he's in Madison (An hour and a half away..) I am very particular whom I trust.

@Alaska - I'm looking for anything PC related. I'm beginning to think the WI job market is dead... I'm seriously thinking about getting ou of the state. But I need something solid before I do it. Last thing I want to do is become homeless again...

[4EverMe]

Hello Hawke,
Sounds like a predicament! No bus lines?! Makes me think of places in the Twilight Zone...Are you living in "cow-country?" Don't assume I mean ANY disrespect--because it is NO insult to you. But unless you wanna learn horseback or are keen to the idea of hitchin rides from 'moo-machines,' (LOL) I would be hightailing it out of there. Sounds miserable; I can tell you're feeling angry and beginning to lose hope. But something's got to give...The area you're in seems like a place that would best cater to retired farmers with new trucks and homes already paid for!
I'm not trying to sound like a drag. But I'm also worried about your vehicle and how it would affect you all if it stops running. My advice would be to move, but because of financial issues, I don't know how this would be feasible. On the other hand, if you find work, I realize that car issues would be a nightmare (because that's your transport to work)! Do you attend a church, w/any mechanic parishioners?I'm at a loss-Just an idea for now.

[Hawke53051]

Well, a good thing happened out of all of this. My unemployment got renewed for another 3 months or so. There's hope yet...

As for me moving, I can't afford to. I do basically live in moo country. And I look at it the same way you do 4EverMe.. I'm not very religious...It's a bad set of circumstances..

[4EverMe]

Hi Hawke,
I'm so relieved for you that your unemployment has been extended! This is great news.
The way you feel about your surroundings--I'd already picked up on that. LOL. Hopefully, you atleast got a small chuckle for anything I wrote about it though.
Also, I'm not very 'religious' either. But I watch Shepherd's Chapel on TV. It's taught me a lot and is inspirational. Have a good one! (I'm in a hurry)

[Hawke53051]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Connie is not feeling well as of late. Doctor says she's got a parasite she picked up 3 weeks ago. So she's snapping at me because she's not feeling good. If we have any kind of a verbal fight (which happened last night) she goes into this mode and there's no way to snap her out of it until the cops are called. It's part of her bi-polar. (She IS on meds and has been taking them as far as I know) She doesn't listen to anyone, but as soon as the cops show up, it snaps her back. She hides my keys, wallet, shoes, whatever she thinks is important at the time to keep me from leaving the house to cool down. So, I don't even try to get my things back anymore. I just call the cops. She is the type to react first and not think things through. After the incident is over she blames herself, goes in a funk and shows signs of depression, feels like she's failed. She does this when she can't accomplish something either (like doing housework...)
But I feel bad for calling the cops. It inconveniences us, them & all parties involved. It never really gets violent. We always have to fill out incident reports. It's a pain. Her abusive past is ALWAYS at the forefront of my mind. I have never raised my hand to her. I care what happens to her.
She had been seeing a councilor at the women's center. I've been trying to get her to go back there because it seemed to help.

I want to get out of here so badly. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I left one stressful house (the Lynn breakup) to another one. I'm beginning to feel like my coming back into my daughter's life was a mistake.

I know this is room mate stuff, but, neither Tammy or Connie have any pride in their house. They leave dirty dishes out on the counter for weeks at a time. Tammy doesn't know the meaning of a garbage can. She opens a dinner or something & leaves the wrapping & packaging on the counter. As well as the disposable dishes. They don't clean the house unless someone comes over... I've complained to both of them but all I get is a "I'm sorry" and life goes on. With 5 cats vermin isn't a problem. (Connie is slowly turning into the crazy cat lady!) But if we didn't have them, I have no doubt we would have vermin. It's frustrating.
Any wonder why I want to get out of here? But I can't afford to.

By the way, I got my car fixed.. Barely..

[Frame]

Hawke53051; Do you think that your presence is raising the stress in Connie's life? I think it's important for two reasons. The first is that, simply being in the family, whether your interacting much with your daughter or not, shows her the model of a male who is trying to be part of her life and the life of her mother. I don't think you should underrate that.

Second, even if your getting the heat now, if you were gone would any of this stress be redirected toward your daughter? If so then your giving your daughter a second important gift. I realize that there is only so much you can take, and if your being there is raising rather than lowering the tension in the house that might not be so good.

But your express reason for being there is for your daughter and even if it doesn't feel like it or dawn on your daughters for years, she will one day appreciate it. I strongly believe in the positive influence of inter-generational contact, often on an initially subconscious level.

Beyond that, I'm not sure how to help you keep it together, but posting here is a good step. So keep it up.

[Hawke53051]

They rely on me for a vehicle. Connie doesn't want to lose me a second time. She is afraid to be alone. I honestly think me not being around will make it harder in some areas on her, but eaiser in the longrun for all three involved.

[Frame]

I don't know hawk; your last post gives me the sense that whatever the struggles you all have, you're succeeding at your goal of helping your daughter.

[Hawke53051]

I just wanted to let everyone know I'm ok. My car was fixed. Damn vacuum hose!! Also my unemployment went through. Safe for another 3 months. Beyond that, nothing has changed.