A NEW JOURNEY ,THE HARDEST ONE YET ?

[xn728]

I f i am to be well ,i must learn to forgive myself ,but to be able to do this ,the boy i once was ,must be set free ,the chains that shackle him ,are chains made of flames ,the flames of that fateful fire all those years ago ,i must go to my parents and tell them im sorry ,for the fire ,and for being the wild youth i was ,my parents suffering must have been unbearable ,seeing there son doing drugs and whatever else ,an only child ,destroying himself daily ,,this will be the hardest thing ive ever had to do ,but i must do it for them and myself ,,if i dont do this i will go to my grave with misery burning inside me ,and for them ,ive never said sorry ,what am. i cant continue just now ,,sorry hugs (((((everyone )))))
lots of love ken x
ill try a little more im sorry but ive kept this inside since i was 17 ,,and now having to face this thing ,my parents are old now ,they are like strangers to me how can i face them ,my mother would go to town were i hung out and spend hours looking for me,when she couldent find me she would leave cigerettes and money with people she knew i hung out with ,
she would always tell them to tell me no matter what i had done i could go home ,,tears now ,the more i think about this the more i realise what a basterd i was ,maybe i should have died in that fire ,,maybe i did die in that fire and this thing you see before you is pure evil personifeid ,,i went out for a drink 2 days before my 18 th birthday ,never went home again ,left my clothes all my belongings ,bedroom must have looked like i
had just died ,,dissapeared off the face of the earth ,how must my mother have felt ,,cry basterd you deserve it ,dont give me no sympathy here i dont deserve it ,,sorry wait ,,,,snowy my lovely sheep dog ,i was 10 came home from school ,no snowy ,,weres snowy mam ,put down she was old i ran away hid under floor in old houses ,,god were did that memory come from ,,poor snowy ,,goodbye snowy ,,crying again ,mmm i do have a heart then ,,oh god hammy the hamster ,large bang all the lights go out hammy the hamster had bit through the wires behind the settee blown his little self to peices ,,poor hammy random thoughts now things i had just forgotten ,maybe this is the start, im tearful now ,,musnt let fran see ,may stop soon ,,ok keep it together ken cmon ,,,,ok,ok ,auntie winnne oh my god auntie winnie yes she was on my side a real life hippy ,,big fur coat even in summer ,she new were to find me ,,would sit and tell me about mam crying It didnt touch me though ,,would tell me to go home just to see her ,,never did ,things had gone to far ,,winnie would cuddle me ,the hippiee and the punk cuddleing in the busy town centre ,,so far apart but so close together ,she stands up to go ,and then the little bottle of whiskey would come out ,,go on have a warm she would say ,,and then turning to go ,,she said if you get in trouble come to mine any hour night or day ,,bye winnie ,,,im getting all sorts of feelings thoughts ,and memorys here ,i wish winnie were here now ,i wish my eyes werent filled with tears oh god i wish i could cry out loud im so sorry for everything ,,
i must go ,,,hugs (((all))),,,,love ken xx

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Brother Ken))))))))))) In my 12 step program, we do a searching moral inventory of ourselves, our wrongs and positive attributes...later whereever possible, we make amends for our wrongs. Sometimes that is not possible, but where it is we can apologize and show our remorse, recognizing sometimes those who were wronged still may not accept our amends, we do it anyway because it is right and we do it for ourselves as much as the injured party. And sometimes we must make amends to ourselves.

I hope that you find a welcome audience with your parents, but know that you were young. The young brain, not even fully developed until around age 25, is literally programmed to rebel and take risks without seeing long term consequences. I know the man you are today would never do something like that. That is what we call living amends, living as a decent postive human being as you have when you rescued ferrets, work in the charity shop, raised two loving daughters, and are always, always there for your lovely wife...and you support many here with love and kindness. You have made your amends, you just don't know it. You do it everyday you take care of your wife and support your friends on this forum and work in the charity shop and show love to your rescued ferrets. I hope the apology helps you find peace, which you so deserve, and you can lay down this burden that tortures you so...you must make amends to yourself. Forgive yourself. Most do things of varying degrees wrong in their youth as a growing learning process of stretching our wings we make mistakes, sometimes serious, sometimes intentional based on our inadequately wired brains. I have done much wrong, and while I regret it, I know I would do differently today and have come to a certain peace where amends are not possible. Spiritual amends, prayers...sometimes writing a letter of what we want to say and putting it away for safekeeping or burying it or whatever we can do to learn to let go and forgive ourselves.

I am proud of you for being a strong enough man to go to your parents and apologize. This is brave and I sincerely hope you find the healing you richly deserve.

I love you my brother, and am proud of you.

[xn728]

(((((shatteredhopes)))))),,,these are very kind and meaningful words you leave for me ,you have got the way ,ive been reading your other posts to others such as i ,and you have got the gift ,you say such wonderful things for your freinds here and they find them very uplifting im sure ,,in fact i know ,you know at one point you became lost in the chat ,,ok everyone free to go there ,but i personally felt like i had lost a good freind ,,then a while ago you started posting back here ,and i must say i was so happy to see you around ,,the things you say and the way you explain them to us are inspiring ,,you have gone from strentgh to strength and many im sure look forward to seeing and reading your words ,,like the ones you leave me today ,,thankyou so much ,,you know sister i had the gift of words not so long ago ,but now i have nothing ,,ive been away for a few days ,and looked forward to coming back ,i posted last night ,but im sorry to say ,i didnt feel at home ,i have tryed to look around and figure it out but i find nothing ,,each time i try to go away im drawn back ,,and when i try yet again to have a positive input ,i just feel lost and it upsets me more ,i see names here that remind me of the ones ive upset,i cant come here and face that anymore ive made my bed and i ,,,we,ll you know the rest of that one goes ,maybe i was only supposed to be here so long ,enough to greet and meet the freinds i have found and lifted with my kind words ,but now the serpent within has taken something away witch i know i will never get back ,true freindships ,built over many mounths ,but laid to waste in few insane moments . i feel i must break free or i will just feel that pain everytime i log on ,and i have enough pain in my life ,of course like this all of my own making ,im just another nick here ,plenty more to care for ,more needy than i ,my fight with depression is over ,lost many years ago ,,and now i must battle to salvage what i can ,,oh yes i will feel pain for a few days and i will gently weep in the quiet and calm of the night ,,when fran sleeps and i may be who i feel for just a short while ,but it will pass ,like my post in a few weeks will silently dissapear into the horizon ,you have kind enough words for all your freinds here ,many more to who speak many kind words ,to be shared by all ,,you have as have all my freinds given me tons of support and for that i will never forget you all ,and if you think that i abandon you ,and think ill of me ,then so be it ,but i dont do that awful thing ,in fact what am i doing ,,am i protecting you all ,or am i feeling lost because i have caused damage ,,i dont really know ,but i know i greive for a loss and i cant help that ,not to care would make me unfeeling ,and i know that is not true of me ,,when i do go ,i must swear to myself that i will not enter to look back ,because i would be drawn back home ,and my hurting would never be able to end ,i have things to say to my freinds first and then i will calmly walk away ,my words will slowly scroll away into the distance ,the visitor will be with me of course ,but the warrior will be by my side also ,,and a new journey on that long dusty road will start once more ,,see you later ,,(((((((sister))))))),,,you stay safe ,and i promise as long as im alive the candle will always be lit for you all(((((my dear freinds ))))),,lots of love ken xxxxxxx,,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[Mich]

Please don't go. Your friendship means a lot to me. I don't have the gift of words...I am sorry....all I can do is ask you to stay and tell you that many will feel a great loss should you go. *hugs*

[crystalgaze]

To everyone: This is just my 2 cents....

It is true that.... we all have perhaps done things we are not proud of in life.

& then, you know.... In order to function & avoid endless torment, forgiving yourself is a must.... We all do have flashbacks/memories & it all comes back, but you know what your saving grace can be?

That you are different person now! Or that you are working toward it! Or that you are remorseful/have regret! Even if none of those things are present, there is always hope to move forward/make progress as long as life is within you (& maybe even after life, don't know)....

Ken, in your case.... I know you have worked hard to keep every thing together! Don't you always say that with even everything that was happening, you ended up being married & rearing your beautiful children?

That itself is enough. You have atoned. There may be more things to be done, probably so, but you have carried it. It's time to put it down gently.

& THIS IS FOR EVERYONE--MYSELF INCLUDED!

Other people are not necessarily going to understand & you know what? They don't have to! What counts is that if apologizing is what you wanted to do, then that is what you did, regardless of whether it's accepted or it isn't. You did that for YOU.

Take care!

[xn728]

You will still feel my freindship (((mich))) that will always be here ,my words will always be here ,,merely out of sight ,but you can still read them if you wish ,,you see i didnt want to just go without saying anything ,but now im worried i may upset you ,,can you understand why i feel i must go mich ,does anyone understand me ,how ive made myself feel alienated ,,?? for me mich you must remain safe and carry on as best you can please dont hurt yourself ,you have so many freinds here who care so much about you ,,only the other week you were saying how much you like takings ,,,humour in his posts ,,and it cheered you up ,,now it seems i cant do that any more ,and it hurts me deeply ,,tonight when fran goes to sleep i will be free for a few hours to think about things ,and i will shed a few tears thats for sure ,,but when tommorrow dawns i will have
started a new journey alone ,but for the thoughts i carry with me ,and the only good thing about that is ,,i can hurt no one else here.,,,bye for now mich
stay safe hugs (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[xn728]

Dearest (((onika)))for me to put this down is not so easy ,when you have carried something for all the years i have ,we,ll i cant explain ,i know what your saying to me ,and i trully thank you for that ,but do you know ,i have to wonder if anyone really knows what its like to have done these things in my life ,even though i have married and had a great family i cant help wondering how much better it would have been without this burden ,even i dont understand how im feeling now ,am i running away ,from pain or am i running from the fact that i hurt others so much
i feel i should leave ,a black sheep as i have said before ,or should i just stay and do my best ,,forget the harsh words and the lost freindships ,if they are lost forever so be it ,must i put it behind me ,and walk on and not keep looking back ,,maybe my kind words will return to me one day .
its guilt onika it burns my heart ,maybe i should just say hi, and hello for now ,now one ever tells me what they think ,someone give me an opinion
help there i said it (help) me please im dying im dying inside driving myself away catch my fall ,,,,bye for now hugs (((((onika ))))),,lots of love ken xxx