Depression Understood Forums

How It All Started, I Guess

At 1st, it was just that men's clothes/the baggy look were more comfortable.

Later on, it was that they would cover my butt... (I always liked a shirt/blouse that covered my rear. I am pretty self-conscious about that.)

At one point, it was all I could find to wear or like all that would fit me so as not to accentuate my body. (It was hard to find a good pair of pants that fit but had room in the legs....)

Finally, it is a way of hiding. (After near rape, I would like to see any one say that I provoked any one, due to wearing men's clothes/the baggy "prison" look...

I don't know if y'all understand this or what, but I live in a community where the people don't know how to behave. That means be prepared to fight the men off with a stick if you wear hot shorts or a mini skirt...

& the thing about it is that they can't just simply be nice & give you a compliment.

~sarcasm~ Oh no... That's much too difficult! They gotta shout out that they want to f*ck you & all sorts of other crude things...

In the end, it comes off brutish & I am SO thoroughly turned off by the crap-o-la.

I am almost willing to say I will go hands off of men entirely & no, it's not like I want women either.)

Please don't misunderstand... I am NOT bashing men! (I don't know all men to begin with, so it would be an error to do so. I am just writing about what I've either lived in the past or what I live today, which is why I tend to stay indoors a lot now. I really do not want to be bothered...)

OKAY! Now, hear this! I went to the store to get some sneakers for working out & walking. When I told the lady what I was looking for & my shoe size in women's sneakers, which is 11 for the most part, SHE ADVISED ME TO SHOP IN THE MEN'S SECTION.

I HAVE BEEN DOING IT RIGHT ALL THIS TIME, WITHOUT KNOWNG IT!

Whereas I usually get 9 in men's sneakers, I actually had to get 9.5. In Tims (at the ankle), I had to get 8.5, but I do have a pair of men's Tims that come above the ankle that are size 9.

The reason this is of note is that I HAVE ALMOST ALWAYS GOTTEN A DIRTY LOOK OR WHATEVER FROM MALES WHEN I SHOPPED IN THE MEN'S SECTION FOR CLOTHES OR SHOES!

It's a relief to be validated....

Would you believe that in all of these posts I totally missed that this is a defensive mechanism?

~lol~ It just dawned on me today. I'm so lated...!

I put it all together a bit more in my head today.

Part of my masculine air is from having to be self-sufficient & self-reliant. It's not like I can call someone to help me clean the windows on the house, for example, or to help me move furniture. If I want it moved, I must do so myself (or call my Dad, but he is getting up there in age & taking radiation has weakened him).

I often do things myself as much as I can, so I don't have to compromise myself, like an "if you rub my back, I will rub yours" situation.... I'm pretty finicky about that, that I don't even want it to APPEAR that way or have people come near me, so they have a chance to put a question/proposition to me.

The masculine air also comes from dating/being around guys. You see, when I was more feminine than I am now, then it was a problem. I was then too "needy" or "emotional" or "silly" (etc.).

Now that I have my cool/cold, almost nonchalant, non-caring masc. approach + cut my hair ultra-short, I'm not feminine enough. I also use the "I don't give a hoot" attitude & so totally don't really do much of the girlie stuff (nail polish, lipstick, makeup, tight clothes, high heeled shoes, etc) unless it's job related or like going out to dinner (which is rare).

When I was just around guys, then they were always bombarding me with sex type stuff. I don't have that problem now, ever since donning a masc. air, clothes + approach.

One ex-bf went so far as to call me "dude", which made me look at him. He didn't indicate he wanted to be with a girl.... I guess he felt that comfortable around me.

From my experiences, I've noticed that the bf I was with at the time did not care for me to lean on him, even if it were just a teeny bit--like what happens in real relationships. Since it doesn't seem to be okay to do so, then I am masc. & ultimately I step out of the situation, but remain masc., as it is what gets me through life.

Done for now....

From my original post, here's an update.

Where it said... (It was hard to find a good pair of pants that fit but had room in the legs....)

It STILL is hard to find a good pair of pants! Usually, the legs are tight & the waist is roomy or the waist is tight & the legs are tight....

My size 14 girlie pants from the Women's + size section are too big. The waist is loose & the legs are too baggy; it's supposed to be 1 of my nicer pants.

Now get this, I go over to the regular size section.... & neither size 12 nor size 14 fit.... Again, size 14 from the Women's Plus size section is TOO BIG... I don't know who the pants were made for, but they certainly wasn't made for me. (They didn't leave enough room for the bum!) I put on those pants & wondered what those people were trying to do to me!

Again, size 14 from the Women's Plus size section is TOO BIG...

You know I'm sort of livid....

However, I am not going to give up hope yet.... I guess I will try to see if Ashley Stewart has a size 12 or something... That would be a plus-sized size 12. I usually never see a Size 12 in there, but I guess I can hope today.

I eventually did find a pair of decent pants.... Still the pants I have are ridiculous.... ~grumble~ I don't know why the pants sold here for plus sized women are not LOW RISE.... I have a bit of a stomach for crying out loud! Hello....?! I am a female.... I have an extra bit of fat, since I have child-bearing capabilities.... HELLOooo!!!!?


Any way, onto what I really wanted to post.


There is something lately that has been on my mind at different times over the course of the year thus far.


You know.... I have had this feeling now for a while that I may just not be something & someone a man would want (as in desire), not measure up somehow.

This is not to low self-esteem per se, but it is to look at what I am. I know that there are women far more masculine than I am. All you need to do sometimes is look at sports.... There are a few.

My biggest problem is that I am in between or in the middle.... I guess I could say my adrenal glands are to blame for producing the extra testosterone I've had probably since I was a kid (but didn't know it until this year for certain).

I am clearly a female, yet I am masculinized not only by my hormones but by my views, experiences, the current societal climate & perhaps even by my skin color.

~sigh~ I will try to work this one out somehow....

I have been reserving my baggy look for those extra-intensive laundry days.... I still don't have nearly enough dresses..... >.< but I haven't really found much semi-casual clothing and stuff that I actually liked....

I have been working on ditching my masculinized look because I really don't want to appear to be something I am not & will never be. (I'm happy with what I am, as much as there are things I may not like about it.)

It requires rethinking things & reprogramming.... but I'm pretty sure I will get there. I looked really good the other day, so I know I'm coming along nicely with what I've been doing.