Depression Understood Forums

Hi,

I am looking at all of the topics and I seem to be quite prolific these days. Hope I don't scare you all off.

Not sure if you all know that I am at home, taking care of my elderly mother. When I left my kid's dad, about 3 years ago, I left my hometown and moved back in "with my mom".

It served the purpose at the time but now it is just like I am a hamster, running on that eternal wheel. For me, it seems like there is no way out.

My mom has deteriorated, due to dementia (we think, she won't go to a doctor) and it has been increasingly difficult to take care of her. She is at the point that she doesn't remember what she said half an hour ago.

She is enough with it that she knows that if I leave, then it means that she has to leave her home, and go into a personal care home.

A lot of time it is like living in a pressure cooker. To add to the mess, my brother went out of the country on Dec 22 and will not be coming home until Sunday. I don't think we will see them until Monday.

My mom doesn't have any friends, my brother and I are it. That means that for the past 3 weeks, things have been difficult. My sister came home for the week in between Christmas and New Years. For that period of time mom was pretty good.

Once my sister left it was like the bottom fell out of my world. She is driving me nuts because I am the sole person who has responsibility for her. She has had mental health issues all her life, but never has had them addressed so with the deep depression, added to the dementia. Well just let me say that things are very interesting in my life.

My pdoc has been concerned about my mental health for a while. In 2007 I was so ill, that I had to have ECT (shock therapy) and as a result I have a huge block of memory, that is just gone.

With having all the pressure of care for mom it is really pushing me to the edge. It is like I am a kid. He will be home in 2 sleeps.

I feel badly because it was like the past three weeks really came to a head this afternoon. My mom throws temper tantrums but afterwards can't get the concept (and never has, so no new behavior) that she has done something when people react to it.

She just starts to say that we blame her for everything. I think that there is a difference between dishing out blame, and taking responsibility but understand that she is never going to get that point of life.

She has practically no social skills. Like I said at the start she has no friends and won't talk to any professionals. To me there is 80+ years of resentment hidden inside of her and every once and a while it comes out. Sometimes in dangerous ways.

Anyway, I guess that it is just 2 sleeps until Clem comes home. Then maybe the pressure will ease off. It seems that I am in a position where I can't win.

If I leave then I know that I am the reason that mom goes out of her home of more than 35 years.

If I stay I may loose my mind.

monty we all follow a simaler road ,this must be very hard for you at this time ,sometimes we feel like just ,taking off and leaving the pain behind
but we dont want to give that dark dog ,the benifit of our demise do we
no,we are special,put on this earth to suffer,the pain we do,and the gifts of compassion and understanding we recieve ,are used by us daily in our battle with these dark demons ,but remember monty you are part of a big family,we are always with you ,close your eyes, and look with your mind ,and
you will see me stood at your side ,here i will be to help carry your pain
so you may rest,please dont feel alone dear monty ,,,,thinking of you
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs kenxxx Goodnight

(((((((((Monty)))))))))) You've done more for your mom than a lot of people would. You have to be able to take care of yourself first sometimes before you can take care of someone else. I do hope your brother gets home soon to help you. You can only do what you can do. I hope you can get some relief, no matter what know you've done and doing your best.

hollyann

Tried to post and didn't take so will try again. Want to share a personal story with you (((((((((((monty)))))))))))) and there's a point...

My father suffered alzheimer's the last approximately 15 years of his life. My mom, a retired registered nurse, was especially well equipped to be a caretaker. My sister and I and sometimes my brother would give her breaks and come sit and watch a game with him or take him out for a walk or treat. We had a lot of good years with him, a lot of special times that I will always treasure.

During his last year at home, my mom had 5 hospitalizations, including cancer and back surgery, a pulminary embolism, and congestive heart failure. The stress of caring for him took an extreme toll on her in later years, and her health was rapidly deteriorating. During my mom's absenses my dad grew aggitated with us and no longer recognized us at times. He deteriorated too, rapidly. He poured out gasoline out of the lawn mower thinking the neighbors put water in the tank, he tried to start the car one night and drive off, he grew confrontational and then one day chased my mom out of the house. Something had to be done for his safety and ours. He needed skilled care, round the clock.

My cousin warned me after experiencing it with my aunt leaving him that first day would be one of the hardest experiences of my life and it was. The first time I walked away from the assisted living facility special care unit I burst into tears. It was one of the most painful awful guilt inducing experiences, but absolutely the right and best decision we could have made. The unit had quality care, regular entertainment like bingo, pet therapy, baloon volleyball, or someone coming in to play old gospel music. One day they got them all in a van and took them for a ride around town and even drove by the animal shelter to see the dogs in the runs. My dad was soooooo excited he told my mom "I got a pistol" meaning in old-timey slang something really cool. We visited him almost every day, and would bring him ice cream or cookies or a slice of pizza or apple pie from McDonalds. Until he was no longer able to go out, we would take him out to eat or somewhere to go for a drive. There were some cherished times spent with him in the facility, and the staff was caring and outstanding.

I ran into a mental health director who headed a alzheimer's support group and talked to her a bit and she said the mistake most people make is they wait too long to place loved ones in skilled care. As painful as it was, once my dad was safe and cared for, except for a mild case of depression, my mom's health completely rebounded. My dad got accustomed to the place quickly and it became his home and he enjoyed the companionship of the other residents.

He died peacefully in his sleep a year ago this week.

If your mom is confrontational, refusing medical care, forgetting things, then maybe its time to think along different lines. Rapid changes with senior dementia and deterioration are sometimes possible, and safety has to be a concern, as well you as your health. Being a caretaker is one of the most stressful things imaginable. Finding a good care facility, although emotional, hard, guilt-inducing, etc., may be one of the best decisions you could ever make for her and you. At least investigate the options, and discuss with your siblings the possibility...

My thoughts are with you, and wishing you light peace and strength...

Thanks to all of those that have responded to my post.

I am in a difficult position. We live in Canada where there is an extreme shortage of places in home care facilities (that are subsidised by the government, that is really the only route we can go). In order for someone to be eligible to be placed they have a criteria of 9 different things that need to be happening in the clients life.

If the nine, one is that you can't feed yourself, one of the others is that you are incontinent. Otherwise you are expected to take care of them at home, or through private care. I had a friend who needed to have one of her parents put into a home. They badgered her and told her that "she" should be taking care of him. That he didn't qualify for placement.

I knew that we would get to this point. My mom has always been quite adament that she won't leave her house. I tried for things to progress in a natural way.

First that she would go into a condo, then to an apartment. Then to assisted care facility and then to a home. She would have been in the system.

I went an got all the information that was needed for her to move. She wouldn't sign the papers and my brother (has the Power of Attorney) wouldn't do it either. One of them needed to sign the applications.

Now we are at this terrible point where she can't stay at home, but still hasn't deteriorated enough to go into a home.

Needless to say it causes me much concern but I am not sure what to do. Other than to make sure that I access as much help as I can. If it gets to the point that someone has to come in "all" the times that I am away then someone is just going to have to pay for it.

Shattered, thanks for taking the time to write your post. From what you said, I understand that you tried twice. Hearing how other people coped with like situations is very helpful to me.

She is so alone and isolated I also wonder if she wouldn't really blossom if she went into somewhere that she would be surrounded with people in her same state. It frustrates me beyond belief that this whole process should have been started earlier.

It helps a lot to know that the members of this forum are truly concerned about each other. Knowing that I have support, from someone, makes the row a lot easier to hoe.

Can you tell that I come from a farm.

Seriously thanks for your kind thoughts.