first post

[LLisa]

I've been suffering from acute depression and feelings of suicide for a while now. I know I cannot do anything because last year we lost my young step sister in law to suicide and I see what pain it's caused our family. Also, I have two teenage daughters who really need me to be healthy. I feel very alone in this.

[xn728]

ahhh my new freind llisa ,sorry to hear this terrible thing has happened in your life ,,it must be painful and hard to deal with ,,all i can say is that you have found a wonderful place here ,we will listen to you when you feel like shareing ,,and we will give you as much support as we can ,you can never feel alone now ,you have ,opened this door and walked into a very warm and kind place full of kindness and caring ,,,WELCOME HOME,
MY DEAR FREIND .LLISA,have a walk round its a great place ,looking forward to talking again soon ,,reach out and we will catch your fall
im married with two grown up girls and i to think of bad things but as you say we have to be strong people love us ,,dontlet depression make you blind ,see with your mind if your eyes are clouded ,,,,,,,hugs ,,,xn728

[LLisa]

The week my step sister in law died I was having my own thoughts about suicide. When they called me to tell me, I said she she could not take the pain anymore--because I knew first hand--and my father in law said yes. Since then I've had to act like it's an illness I don't experience myself. She was very accomplished and high functioning--so only her close family including me knew what she was going through. I am actually the same--very high functioning, but very close to the edge of losing it all...really weary from having to hold it together all the time--and at the same time ashamed, very ashamed that I'm not like the rest of the world--taking things in stride.

[Mich]

Llisa - you are not alone here. There are many here who understand what this pain is like. Are you receiving any treatment? Therapy? Meds? I hope that today you have some relief from your suffering. I am very sorry that you suffered such a tragic loss....my thoughts are with you.

[LLisa]

I had therapy in my younger life to deal with being abused as a child, but since I've been married I really have not indulged in anything that's just for me--and that's almost 16 years. 4 years ago when one of my daughters was diagnosed with acute OCD, I started taking meds just to keep myself calm to help her--but my only therapy was part of her treatment--the focus on my behavior was to help her. About a year ago I felt like my suicidal thoughts were related to the meds so I stopped taking them. I'm thinking about trying to find a therapist for me--but the way I feel now and with my daughter's therapist, I'm embarressed of myself--it's like I should know better by now. Right now my pain feels so lousy that I'd like to go away somewhere and have someone take care of me and get me back on my feet mentally. I'm burnt out.

[xn728]

im sorry for your loss ,llisa and the way your feeling right now ,is very hard i know ,,but you must find the strentgh to carry on ,,ive been were you are now many times ,ive stood at that dark door and the demons inside my head have whispered to me to enter that dark place ,but i know there would be no rest for me there ,so turn your back on these ,lonely thoughts ,you will soon have many freinds here ,even now your not alone
im thinking of you ,i cant say much about your loss ,i have never felt that pain of losing a loved one ,,if i could carry your pain so you may have a rest and regain your strentgh ,ask it of me and i will ,,,be strong and safe my new freind keep talking and your pain will ease im sure ,,hugs xn728xxx

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I hope that you'll forgive me if I seem to be stating the obvious, but, here goes... You say that you are not going to " do anything ", because of the pain that it would cause your family and because your daughters need you. Will you forgive me if I remind you that perhaps the most important reason why you should not " do anything " is the fact that you are are, in and of yourself, an intrinsically valuable human being?
You remind me rather of myself, in that I was a " high-functioning ", depressive who for several reasons, went frighteningly suddenly from " high functioning " to " non-functioning "!
I know how you feel when you say that you feel ashamed sometimes that you can't take things in stride the way other people seem to. ( However, I suspect more and more that " seem " is very much the operative word. ) I feel the same very often. But as a very wise friend of mine said to me at work, we need to be realistic when accepting that our bodies don't work the way that most peoples do. We're not worse, or weaker, than most, just different.
I have no experience of parenthood, so I do so hope that this won't sound trite. I do hope that you will be able to ask for some help and support about your own depression, and please not feel in any way guilty, self-indulgent or inadequate for asking and accepting such support.
If your depression is a fact of your life that exists, in and of itself, separate from any aspect of your daughter's life, or your family's life, isn't only sensible to address it as just that. Separate. Rather than addressing your depression as only an adjunct or side-effect of your daughter's health, isn't it sensible rather than self-indulgent to work on your own health, not only as an end in itself, but as something that will help you care for your daughter and your family.
Just a few thoughts, hope they may help. Good luck!

[lisalou]

A big welcome and imaginary hug from one Lisa to another, i'm glad you have found this forum and I hope it will be of help to you. I think it would probably be helpful for you to resume therapy again and maybe try to find alternative meds that don't worsen your suicidal feelings. there are loads of different ones out there and sometimes unfortunately it's just a case of trial and error until you find one that suits you. and take care of yourself - you are worth it!

[LLisa]

Wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to give me such caring and thoughtful words. I am trying to find a therapist to work with on this. Everyone is away this week, so hopefully I will get a call back next week. I'm just worried about coping when I go back to work next week--but thinking that I am going to get some help for myself is making me feel a bit calmer.

[LLisa]

Also, Tacking into the Wind, thanks for this firm feedback--really it was good to hear.

[Mich]

Llisa - I am so happy to hear that you are working on getting a therapist for yourself. You will be so glad you did it.