It's funny

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Stephen
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It's funny

Postby Stephen » Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:33 am

It's funny...

I'm not even that down. I'm just tired of life. Oh, so very tired. The years take their toll. There is no EZ-Pass(*) to life. Each time you drive down the same road, it costs. I've driven down so many different roads, and paid so much that I'm just all out of credit.

Oh, I'm just so incredibly tired. The way it used to be(**) was always better, and the way it used to be was my real path. But alas, older, supposedly ideal paths are not passable after so much usage. These paths -- as much as you want them to -- don't lead where you feel you must go. Oh, what a crying shame! I cry out for the old paths, the old ideals of former years. What became of me?

Depression ages. Like someone in their 70s you watch all your friends (metaphorically) die. You watch all you used to know disappear. If you're lucky enough you wake up from the years in captive darkness; but, it's to a world you no longer recognise. You are old; you don't understand how life functions, how it operates, how it really survives. All you once knew has gone. Video hasn't just been replaced by DVD, it's been replaced by Blu-ray in full "Technicolor": (circa 1922 to 1952) [sarcasm].

I retired from life a long time ago, yet you keep dragging me back into 2009. But that's not a fair statement: in my more lucid moments I crave, and grab hold to anything of this age and what it could hold for me. But I can tell you no matter my wishes, that entrance into the world always comes with a tired, elderly man attached.

I think I first posted here in 2006. Why did I post then? Why am I involved in this site? -- I thought I knew at the time, but now I'm unsure. As one looks back on their life, do we really know what our motives were for this-or-that? I think I wanted to re-connect to that outside world that I'd become so old to.

Now, well, I hang up my stocking tonight as if it were Christmas Eve and hope that Santa delivers my long since wish for vacancy. After all, hasn't life taken enough and haven't I already given enough? What more is there? A good portion of complete -- or infinite -- darkness is the desire of this old man.

I'm not too down, just too tired of life to want it. I'm 36.

Stephen

* EZ-Pass - an electronic toll system used in America, or at least the more Northern States. New York New York! As Frank Sings!

** The way it used to be - just a song (English! Oh I mean real English, UK!).

---

If you think this is self pity, I have this to say to you, "Get over it, ALREADY!" Oh, I do love how the kids talk. "MY BAD for being born!"

But then... oh to be young and untainted.
Last edited by Stephen on Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:05 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Stephen
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Postby Stephen » Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:16 am

...

erika/r|ka
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Postby erika/r|ka » Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:54 am

*hugs* stephen

i totally understand you, and wish i could have the right words to say or to try make things better. I agree that we probably never know what our motives are for what we do, but i do know that the time you dedicate to this site and your friendship in here with many is greatly appreciated and loved.

i'm in the same age frame as you are and am going through the tired of it all phase....too tired to fight or to wish for anything. I really hope things start getting better for you stephen - you deserve it. And for all my opinion's worth - I hope Santa does not bring you your vacancy for a very long time to come.

take care
erika

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grok
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Postby grok » Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:52 pm

((((((((((( Stephen ))))))))))))

My heart to yours friend Stephen, I feel as you describe sometimes. I am reminded of the saying that we all are born, we all die, it's what we do in between that matters. With the creation of this site and the incredible amount of work you put into it you have already done more that matters in your 36 years than I have in my 56. Desire not the darkness, instead draw light from the laughter of children, the smell of a rose, a cool summer breeze. Paths do change but your ideals are still intact within you, seek them out. You are a good man Stephen, were I able I would give you some candles to light your way.....

G.

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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:59 pm

((((((((((((( Stephen )))))))))))))))))

More than just a normal hug, we have been friends for a good while, shared so much.

Your dreams are at hand, reach out, grab and hold on tightly. Life throws some nasty curves, see that the hard part of many things for you have answers now.

In those darkest hours, remember the good memories but more important, remember the hope of your future.

Take care of yourself, please.

Jeanie

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Stephen
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Postby Stephen » Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:11 pm

(((((((( Erika, Grok, Jeanie )))))))

Thanks to each of you for your kind and thoughtful replies. They all mean a lot to mean. I've hit a rough patch, and right now I don't see any quick fix to things.

Sorry I'm not too communicative, but your words mean more to me than you might ever know.

Stephen


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