Hello, earth to beyond and Trigger warning for those who need it
Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2025 4:30 pm
I posted a lengthy letter on here a few weeks ago, detailing my experiences with COCSA and how it made me feel...how it affected me. Hours went by before I deleted it and I sort of regret it. I still have the letter but, I don't think I'll ever repost it because I'm ashamed of other people knowing so much about me. When I posted it, it felt like a huge weight off of my shoulders. For a few hours I forgot about it, and when I did remember, my heart dropped thinking others knew. But now it's all inside me again, all the words and feelings I wanted to let out.
I wonder if I'll lash out or if I will keep it inside for a while longer. Either way, I don't want to tell anybody, the shame is all encompassing. The confusion my experience made me undergo, it all attests to issues I have now. The forced closeness and all.
I read up about it on reddit. Another person had asked if their experience could be considered assault, and what to do. And I was so happy, I cried at all the supportive messages. So many people, so many responses telling them that their feelings are valid, that they have a right to feel violated because it was a traumatic experience, no matter how small. I felt so free. But now I'm all curled up again, like my feelings were stuffed in a jar and the lid was screwed on tight. Like, the jar is too full and each emotion pushes against each other, making a pressure that's bound to make the glass crack before it all bursts out. Yea, pressure. I feel pressure inside me.
I wonder if I'll lash out or if I will keep it inside for a while longer. Either way, I don't want to tell anybody, the shame is all encompassing. The confusion my experience made me undergo, it all attests to issues I have now. The forced closeness and all.
I read up about it on reddit. Another person had asked if their experience could be considered assault, and what to do. And I was so happy, I cried at all the supportive messages. So many people, so many responses telling them that their feelings are valid, that they have a right to feel violated because it was a traumatic experience, no matter how small. I felt so free. But now I'm all curled up again, like my feelings were stuffed in a jar and the lid was screwed on tight. Like, the jar is too full and each emotion pushes against each other, making a pressure that's bound to make the glass crack before it all bursts out. Yea, pressure. I feel pressure inside me.