May Day
Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2021 5:39 am
Cher internet,
Depression and truth are so alike, its hilarious, both never seem to leave you, once you enter you can't check out. Once you know the truth, you are forever tainted, and once you get depressed, some part of you will always be depressed and chase you on the days light seems to have left the small little world we seem to have created. I don’t remember when I first got depressed but it still chases me, always lurking around, that bastard.
As I sit here writing this, I don’t know If I am depressed again or if this is really the end, as a child, a small sapling of 16 tiny years, the possibilities of future kept me going for a long time, that one day I will be sitting under the lampshade on a bench, alone, at the central park as the New York snow surrounds me, in my bright red coat and a lovely hat (cues in Skating in the Central Park-Bill Evans) , I knew it, that this was my dream, and still is. I knew it when I get that moment, I would have found peace. I have it all to reach there now, why can’t I then? What’s wrong? Why I am sitting here, with a depression forum on my screen, crying it all after a long time, because I can’t hold on anymore? Did I really give up? I went through so much pain to just give up? Maybe.
First time I fooled myself that I haven’t given up(shh but I had) was probably more than a year ago, a couple of rough words, and hurt eyes looking at you for a week , and this wasn’t a lot considering what I have already faced in my younger years, but how much it affected me who knew. Just couple of words and glossy eyed painful mirrors did it. They broke me.
After that small spat, I failed, got myself into a lot of trouble. I let myself pulled down, I couldn’t hold on, but I lied to myself so much used the victim card as an excuse to keep falling down when necessary and denying any hand that wanted to save me. Don’t pity me, I got enough pity, or empathise no I don’t feel anything at all most days so its fine, but I did give up, that New York dream probably won’t ever happen, who knows. I don’t know what to do with me anymore. I don’t even know how to kill myself; last attempt was so stupid makes me laugh thinking about it. I am so sorry to everyone and myself.
I gave up.
Haha I don’t even know what to type here on. It's been rough day. Going to sleep and deal with me tomorrow. (:
Love
Swan
Depression and truth are so alike, its hilarious, both never seem to leave you, once you enter you can't check out. Once you know the truth, you are forever tainted, and once you get depressed, some part of you will always be depressed and chase you on the days light seems to have left the small little world we seem to have created. I don’t remember when I first got depressed but it still chases me, always lurking around, that bastard.
As I sit here writing this, I don’t know If I am depressed again or if this is really the end, as a child, a small sapling of 16 tiny years, the possibilities of future kept me going for a long time, that one day I will be sitting under the lampshade on a bench, alone, at the central park as the New York snow surrounds me, in my bright red coat and a lovely hat (cues in Skating in the Central Park-Bill Evans) , I knew it, that this was my dream, and still is. I knew it when I get that moment, I would have found peace. I have it all to reach there now, why can’t I then? What’s wrong? Why I am sitting here, with a depression forum on my screen, crying it all after a long time, because I can’t hold on anymore? Did I really give up? I went through so much pain to just give up? Maybe.
First time I fooled myself that I haven’t given up(shh but I had) was probably more than a year ago, a couple of rough words, and hurt eyes looking at you for a week , and this wasn’t a lot considering what I have already faced in my younger years, but how much it affected me who knew. Just couple of words and glossy eyed painful mirrors did it. They broke me.
After that small spat, I failed, got myself into a lot of trouble. I let myself pulled down, I couldn’t hold on, but I lied to myself so much used the victim card as an excuse to keep falling down when necessary and denying any hand that wanted to save me. Don’t pity me, I got enough pity, or empathise no I don’t feel anything at all most days so its fine, but I did give up, that New York dream probably won’t ever happen, who knows. I don’t know what to do with me anymore. I don’t even know how to kill myself; last attempt was so stupid makes me laugh thinking about it. I am so sorry to everyone and myself.
I gave up.
Haha I don’t even know what to type here on. It's been rough day. Going to sleep and deal with me tomorrow. (:
Love
Swan