The Night before I killed myself/The morning after I killed myself

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Searching Freedom
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:39 am

The Night before I killed myself/The morning after I killed myself

Postby Searching Freedom » Fri Dec 11, 2020 12:43 pm

The night before I killed myself was scary.

The night before I killed myself was in December, of course. The joy eclipsed my sadness. The lights eclipsed the big dark hole inside my chest. But the cold... the cold spoke entirely about my heart.

The night before I killed myself, I had to face who I was and who I am one more time. And then I had to let everything go. To set myself free. From the pain, the hurt, the emptiness, frustration, fear, from the past, the memories. Free from my own self.

The night before I killed myself was magical. I screamed in silence. Everything that once was so loud today remained mute.

The night before I killed myself, I wanted to say goodbye, but I realised I have no one to say goodbye to.

The night before I killed myself, I listened to Taylor Swift’s new song “Evermore”. I too had a feeling so peculiar that this pain would be for evermore.

The night before I killed myself I tried to convince me that I won’t be lost forever. That my shattered heart will heal. I failed, not because I didn’t have faith that even my heart can be healed, but because I didn’t want to give me a chance to see what that feels like.

The night before I killed myself, I realised that I am not a coward. Giving up does not imply that.

The night before I killed myself, loneliness hurt less. And at the same time... it hurt the most.

The night before I killed myself, I looked at the wall full of pictures in my room. Memories of the last four years. And my tears painfully smiled. Because I knew I wasn’t truly happy in any of them.

The night before I killed myself, I had a last conversation with God. He didn’t answer.

The night before I killed myself, my demons admitted that they’ve missed me. I smiled but the thought of burning forever turned me into stone.

The night before I killed myself, I screamed for help. I screamed for a shoulder to cry on. I screamed for a miracle. I begged for forgiveness.

The night before I killed myself, there was only dark in my room. I could’ve just turn the lights on, but I didn’t pay the bills.

The night before I killed myself, my past consumed me one last time. Eaten by darkness, surrounded by all the moments I kept asking myself where did I go wrong.

The night before I killed myself, I counted all the shattered and broken pieces of my heart. 7.665 pieces. For every single day I lived trying to understand why, but couldn’t.

The night before I killed myself my eyes shined because of all these damn tears. The world I saw was blurry. Forever a question mark.

The night before I killed myself, I forgot who I was and who I tried to be. I lost sight of everything. I lost myself in stars, in the moon, in other’s joy and in you.


The morning after I killed myself was as scary as it could be.

The morning after I killed myself was in December. Christmas day. For the first time I could sense the joy. For the first time the lights let me speechless. And the cold... it couldn’t reach me. I was wearing gloves.

The morning after I killed myself, I was free from the person I was yesterday. From the pain, the hurt, the emptiness, frustration, fear and any other baggage of my past that was too heavy. I began to understand who I want to be a little more.

The morning after I killed myself was magical. I smiled in silence because everything that once was so loud now doesn’t exist anymore. I closed that door forever.

The morning after I killed myself, I wanted to say hello. I looked upon my reflection and I say the new me starring back. I whispered... “hello, new and old friend”.

The morning after I killed myself, I listened to Taylor Swift’s new song “Evermore”. I too had a feeling so peculiar that this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.

The morning after I killed myself, i found myself and I understood that I deserve to be healed too.

The morning after I killed myself, I became stronger than I was before because I had the courage to give up. To stop trying to understand, to stop my memories from crushing me, to let every single scar heal instead of wearing it like a haunted treasure I could not get rid of.

The morning after I killed myself, I could see those around me. And in that moment I understood that I was never alone. I understood that I am loved. I am heard. I am real, not just a ghost.

The morning after I killed myself, I looked at the empty walls in my room. I felt ready to fill them with new pictures. New chapters of my life in which I now I won’t always be happy, but at least I will try.

The morning after I killed myself, I prayed for the first time. Still being alive will always be God’s loudest and most powerful answer.

The morning after I killed myself, my guardian angel hugged me. I smiled and that warm feeling destroyed the stone my heart was.

The morning after I killed myself the sun was so bright that I didn’t even have to turn the lights on.

The morning after I killed myself my past was a closed door. Locked. Because I will never ask myself ever again where did I go wrong. Instead, I will look up and thank God for everything I have. Things that I wouldn’t probably have if it weren’t for those so-called mistakes.

The morning after I killed myself, my eyes shined because I smiled. The world I see is still blurry, but that is ok. Forever a semicolon.

The morning after I killed myself I let go of the old me. I was thrilled because now I get to be who I am meant to be. I found myself in You, God.

jessica james
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:46 pm

Re: The Night before I killed myself/The morning after I killed myself

Postby jessica james » Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:35 pm

I am sobbing. I am shaking. It touched me. Amazing it is. That is how life is. People like us, combatting depression are so empty so incomplete so void. We live in a dark phase with no hope to survive.No positivity, no motivation. We allow depression to take control of our lives. Depression in return ruins our lives leaving us in an ultimate empty state. Thank you for sharing this. Reminds me of what actually we go through. I won't ever get any hope even before the night I would kill myself. I've been trying to manage my anxiety symptoms. And a few of my conditional symptoms are in control. My this darkest period end soon, may we get to see a bright morning! :)

Searching Freedom
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:39 am

Re: The Night before I killed myself/The morning after I killed myself

Postby Searching Freedom » Fri Jul 09, 2021 2:06 pm

jessica james wrote:I am sobbing. I am shaking. It touched me. Amazing it is. That is how life is. People like us, combatting depression are so empty so incomplete so void. We live in a dark phase with no hope to survive.No positivity, no motivation. We allow depression to take control of our lives. Depression in return ruins our lives leaving us in an ultimate empty state. Thank you for sharing this. Reminds me of what actually we go through. I won't ever get any hope even before the night I would kill myself. I've been trying to manage my anxiety symptoms. And a few of my conditional symptoms are in control. My this darkest period end soon, may we get to see a bright morning! :)


Hi Jessica.
I always come back here when I am once again lost and hurt and don’t know what else to do. I know it’s been a while, but I read your message now.
I hope you are well.
That bright morning you are hoping for… i wish you saw it. Maybe just a glimpse of it. The darkest times will for sure make you notice even the smallest sparkles of light. And it will make you aporeciate it even more. It will give you the chance to find joy in the smallest things.
One never truly gets to understand happiness if one’s never experienced pain.
The most beautiful smiles are those of the lips who once screamed in pain. The paradox of life itself.
Take good good care of yourself.


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