Depression Physically Affecting Me
Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:46 pm
Today has been pretty awful. I was hit with a pretty big wave of depression and I ended up feeling dizzy. Like, you know how you stand up and you're hit with a dizzy spell? That. Except continually. No matter what I did I couldn't stop it and I felt nauseous. What triggered my depression today was the fact that I felt like everyone who I had tried to contact -- ignored me. And of course, maybe there were other reasons they couldn't get in touch with me... But it sure feels like I'm being ignored. Especially by my boyfriend.
And with him, he tells me he loves me but I'm never quite sure if he does. You know? I've had my fair share of broken and abusive relationships so I'm always so paranoid about this sort of thing. Like I'm literally expecting him to hurt me or tell me he was joking. Like I feel his affection is just some sort of sick joke. I love him. I know that's true. And I want to trust him so bad but I always catch myself thinking: "Well, what if he hurts you", "Well, he doesn't REALLY love you."
I don't know.
I haven't been sleeping lately. I even took an anti-anxiety (trazodone, 50mg) and I still wasn't able to shut my mind off. I watched cartoons, I browsed on the internet until I was dead tired.
I keep having flashbacks too. Of a past relationship that lasted a year and a half. I'll remember it and I will literally sit up and say "NO!" like that will make the memories go away. I don't know...
I'm so tired.
And with him, he tells me he loves me but I'm never quite sure if he does. You know? I've had my fair share of broken and abusive relationships so I'm always so paranoid about this sort of thing. Like I'm literally expecting him to hurt me or tell me he was joking. Like I feel his affection is just some sort of sick joke. I love him. I know that's true. And I want to trust him so bad but I always catch myself thinking: "Well, what if he hurts you", "Well, he doesn't REALLY love you."
I don't know.
I haven't been sleeping lately. I even took an anti-anxiety (trazodone, 50mg) and I still wasn't able to shut my mind off. I watched cartoons, I browsed on the internet until I was dead tired.
I keep having flashbacks too. Of a past relationship that lasted a year and a half. I'll remember it and I will literally sit up and say "NO!" like that will make the memories go away. I don't know...
I'm so tired.