I'm worthless?

[CrazyLady17]

Finally realised it's not "me" who is worthless, it's the depression telling me I'm worthless, when really I'm NOT worthless at all. I mean I've made it this far in life so far- I could of given up but I haven't and I'm still alive and still going aren't I?.... Yes of course I am. I may be depressed and may have suicidal thoughts most of the time and may consider them- but that's just my depression talking and that Demond talking. It's NOT me talking at all.
I have finally realised that!

[CrazyLady17]

I'm not worthless? :/ I just feel worthless, I suppose it's because I feel like I fail at everything and feel like I am so dumb and can't do anything right(which is basically true anyways). I guess i need to get myself out of this horrible circle and realise I am not worthless, but think it quite a lot while being so depressed.

[4EverMe]

Hmm. It just seemed like a petty misunderstanding, to me anyway.

Sara, I thought you wrote a very loving and understanding post that also made sense!

Abbz, please know that there was no harm meant. I've been talking with Sara for a while, and she would never intentionally say anything rude or heartless. In fact...just the opposite of that. But, it looks like the misunderstanding was cleared up- That's good. Misunderstandings happen, and are a part of life. I know how it feels when people mistake something I say, and it sucks. So, I know Sara might worry that things aren't okay? I don't know...Just hope all is cool now.

[4EverMe]

And that's right Abbz. You are NOT worthless. If God does love you, you cannot be worthless. You were created by Him, because He wanted someone just like YOU. Otherwise, why would you exist??
Food for thought, eh?
And TRUTH.

[CrazyLady17]

It's okay... I forgot about all this anyways to be honest with you aha... But I don't even care anymore- this is why I feel so damn worthless half of the time and why I want to be dead half of the time!!
People expect me to be "okay" just like that and well guess what?!
I'm NOT okay!! And I do feel worthless, but I know that's only the depression talking and not me.

Yeah food lol
Thank you.

[CrazyLady17]

Just got proven that I am totally worthless..
Oh wow.
Hate it when people lower my self-esteem even more. Makes me feel even worse inside and out.

[fallen]

when a leaf falls from a tree, is the leaf less than a leaf because it is not attached to the tree ?
or does the leaf take on a new purpose by gently settling on the ground and eventually breaking down and feeding the earth , and therefore the tree, where it first started its journey.
there is purpose for everything in this world, everything is created for a reason, no mistakes !
to say you are worthless is rubbish.
but you can fuel this thought for the rest of your life, think it , act it , be it , but you still won't be worthless.
your purpose maybe to live a life of pain and suffering, or you can get up dust yourself down of your so called sorrows and get on the path of healing your self.
what you do next is up to you, but ultimately no one can do it for you.
take care

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you.
I do see your point here and yes I do totally agree with you and to be honest i think I have been a little selfish here and I am truly sorry for that.
I hope I won't always feel like this, I see it as my depression talking and not me, I know I'm not worthless deep inside, but my depression tells me I'm worthless and useless. Plus my parents have told me I'm a mistake to them, so that already proves my point somehow.

Thank you again.
I hope one day I will be strong enough to fight and to heal from all this.

[saragupta]

Hmm. It just seemed like a petty misunderstanding, to me anyway.

Sara, I thought you wrote a very loving and understanding post that also made sense!

Abbz, please know that there was no harm meant. I've been talking with Sara for a while, and she would never intentionally say anything rude or heartless. In fact...just the opposite of that. But, it looks like the misunderstanding was cleared up- That's good. Misunderstandings happen, and are a part of life. I know how it feels when people mistake something I say, and it sucks. So, I know Sara might worry that things aren't okay? I don't know...Just hope all is cool now.

@4everme,
Hey hi 4everme,
Thank u soo much for the vote of confidence my friend.
I deep heartedly appreciate ur EFFORTS for trying to clear out the Fog of misunderstandings and for having so much faith in me.
Yes u r Ryt...misunderstandings are cleared up between us.

I swear, My mom is also like this only...she always try to arrange harmony among the people around her

@Abbz,
Hiii,
U have really gone thru a lot in ur life and that too at such a young age!
Try to Stay strong...coz although good things take a long time to come in one's life, but they DO come.

[CrazyLady17]

Yes thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding- everything between me and Sara is okay now and was and always will be okay. I just sometimes take things to heart, that's because I'm just so insecure that's why. Hope that clears things up a little bit more.

Ah thank you!
Well I am trying to stay strong- but I at the end of my rope and am starting to wanting to give up. But am trying to stay strong and positive the best I can... But it's pretty hard when I have nobody around me and when I'm completely alone. It sucks.
Yes I know I have, and more and more the worst things keep on happening and I'm only 17! Wow!

[CrazyLady17]

Starting to feel extra extra worthless again now. After a phone call from my parents, I feel totally lost, worthless and abandoned! I hate these feelings.

[saragupta]

Hey hi Abbz,
how r u now!
New year is going to start in a few days. So i really want u to...umm...renovate ur life.
I have read a few days back that u r not having permanent residence Ryt now. I can't even imagine how hard wud that be for u and with all other overwhelming stuff that u have been going thru. But now like everyone makes plenty of resolutions on the new year...i wud like u to try to balance ur life.
It is really hard, but at least try to find a part time job...keep a sharp eye on classifieds in newspapers or u can apply on some sites that provide job offers.. I am saying part time because at least for one month u need to be taking plenty of rest because of so much hospital stress that u have recently gone thru.
And start saving for urself. Then u can think of staying as a paying guest somewhere. But take care while choosing the family members of the home that u think to choose for staying as paying guest. Don't trust everyone by judging on the basis of people's polite tone of their conversations.
Try to listen to ur instincts...my mom says every girl is blessed with 6th sense that tells if she is safe or unsafe at a particular area or being with someone. We just need to learn how to listen to that. Ha ha ha. I know i know...there May or May not be anything like that.
Take care Abbz.

[CrazyLady17]

I'm not good at all but thank you for asking!
How are you?

I know...
No point finding a part time job?
I'm in hospital? And I have been sectioned and won't be allowed out until I've fully recovered from my suicidal thoughts and self harming has reduced etc... They are keeping me safe here basically.

Thank you.

[Glad2bme]

Finally realised it's not "me" who is worthless, it's the depression telling me I'm worthless, when really I'm NOT worthless at all.

DEPRESSION LIES TO US, all the time.

It's like having this film over our eyes that shades everything in blue and darkness. The world may be seeing sunshine and we see a cloudy day with the sun far far away beyond our reach. It IS NOT THE TRUTH, but it FEELS that way.

It's like an old fashioned tape playing over and over in our mind, repeating the message because the play button got left on and not for any real reason.

One technique I learned was when I have one of those repeating thoughts is to see in my mind's eye an old fashioned cassette tape. Then to see myself pulling the thin strip of tape out and mangling and ripping it completely apart. THAT TAPE won't play any more bad messages in my mind again. So every time I had a thought like that I DESTROYED IT. Instead of paying attention to its message I asserted my own personal power in the moment.

My parents weren't as NON-supportive as yours are, but there were still a lot of hidden messages from things they had said over the years, so I tore up a lot of tapes that had their voices on them. Since I wasn't living at home anymore, I also had this visualization of "politely" evicting them from my brain. Showing them the door and saying, "It's time for you to go now. We'll talk later."

Feeling worthless is feeling a lack of power over your own life, so any little tiny thing you can do to take your power back, even if it's only in your own mind space, has a ripple effect over the rest of your life.

[CrazyLady17]

Okay lets not remind myself my parents aren't supportive at all okay?
Because you aren't making me feel any better at presents just saying the truth. So let's leave my parents out of this okay? Please.

Well I feel bad again.
So I have realised I am worthless. It's not the deptession talking at all, it's me talking. I am worthless, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't in hospital.!