back slide but getting better (triggering material)

[hollyann]

Wish I knew what to say, been meaning to post for a while. But every time I think of it I pretty much chicken out. I was in a low phase of the bipolar recently. Pretty well bottomed out. I couldn't remember when the last time I had been so low.

I know if my friends knew I'd probably disappoint them. I know I disappointed myself. I backslid a lot. I used to self harm quite regular. And then it got to be hardly any for a period of several years.

Recently I had gone back to it. Disappointing myself, I just couldn't, and didn't want to control it. And I started having problems with my eating habits again. And I thought of going back to self medicating just to numb myself. These are things I hadn't really done since 2003.

I'm not really sure why I fell backwards so much, but definitely been beating myself up about it. Now I'm slowly starting to feel better again.

It's taking me a while to climb out of it this time and I don't know why that is. I know I was starting to scare myself.

So if I've seemed really down, or really distant lately I'm sorry. I didn't really know how to be encouraging when I wasn't really feeling encouraged myself. Everyone here means a lot to me.

holly

[nenkohai]

((((((( Holly ))))))))

[dougsan]

Hollyann, thank you for writing and shame on you for not writing sooner. I know there isn't much that can be said to an old hand such as yourself. You've been at or near the bottom before and you know you'll be at or near the bottom again. The reality of bipolar, as I understand it, is that we are bouncing from one interpretation of the way our world works to another and the two interpretations are always in conflict. I don't know how to control this except with drugs that keep one interpretation prominent while subduing the other. Unfortunately for us the sudued side is always trying to get to the surface.

Here's hoping writing and reading in the forum will help a lot.