Struggling (Triggering Material)

[hollyann]

I'm really struggling right now. And I hate to admit it. I feel like all I do lately is whine, about how bad my life is. How worthless I feel, even though I know you all don't feel that about me.

I'm left to question am I horrible person? I'm starting to think I am. I try not to be. But I feel I fail miserable at that. My friends, even my online friends, I dont know. I feel like I've either alienated them all, or I've withdrawn so much they want nothing to do with me. Or that I've been mia from here so long that I am just a memory and probably a bad one.

Probably (hopefully) It's just the fact that I'm feeling insecure. My little half sister. I guess she's not so little anymore is 20 now. I used to have dreams, wishes for her, for us. But then again I used to believe in fairy tales. Not anymore and not for a long time.

My sister was sexually abused but not by my father. However I was sexually abused by our father. Put him in jail yadda yadda ya. That was back in 99. he got 10 years 2 or 3 times ran cuncurrent and got out in 7 with good behavior. He's out and more accepted into the family than I am. Though very few of them have tried to build bridges back with me. Thing is I'm always scared of being hurt by them again.

In this case it was my half sister asked to talk to me on facebook. I hadn't talked to her in two years. Since the day she turned 18. And only then the phone call lasted 3 mins. Part of it was talking to my former stepmom, my half sister talking to my son. And then her talking to me. Saying I'm upset Bubby (brother hasn't called) And I am 18 now nothing can stop me from talking to dad.

She lived in WV for a long time. Her mom even before my dad went to jail was in and out of our lives with my half sister. I got used to her being gone and coming back. And gone again. I was constantly afriad my dad would do something to her, and he used it against me on occaision. And I was always worried about her because my step mom was physically abusive. So it was a constant worry for me.

I tried to get my sister away from her mom by saying they could send her to me because she was getting in trouble and etc. Fighting with her mom sometimes the phone would go dead because the phone would be thrown etc. I always hoped I could get her off the path she was heading because it was a path that I traveled down myself. Only it didn't work that way. She was already down that path. Most the time I didnt know where she lived or have only a message phone for her, so I could never call cps.

Sorry this is so long but I used to hope/wish for a relationship with my sister but anyways she wanted to me to get on facebook and talk to her I did. She talked about being in an abusive relationship in Kansas and wanting to get back to WV. I asked her if anyone in the family could help her, she said they are either broke or don't like her. If it wasn't for me in the middle of moving I would have done my best for her. Anything in my power and the sad thing is she hates my guts.

She asked me about my dad, doesn't believe what happened to me. Yet I very willingly beleive her. But Because dad didn't do anything to her, there for he didn't do anything to me. Then she went on to tell me that the only reason she talks to me is because of her nephew which I now probably wouldn't allow. I have never stopped her from talking to her nephew. I even show him what few pictures of her I have and go that's your Aunt Rita. Unfortunately she believes the worst of me. And also blames me for our dad not being able to see her two year old son.

Her son was taken away by the state for reasons I am unsure. Something to do with mood swings from the grapevine. (she also has bipolar, history of si). Anyways son gets taken away she is told things she needs to do to get him back. Like get a stable job etc. She does get a job, but its out of state and because of that she loses her son. He is placed for adoption/foster care, not even allowed pictures of him. But this is supposedly my fault. Because my dad can't see him. I guess I caused so much emotionally upheavel that it had to be that. It couldn't have been her being abused sexually or phsyically. Once again all the responsibility is pointed my way. I am so tired, and so fed up, and just really struggling. I think I'm horrible, I think I tore my family to part. I'm to blame and it eats away at me.. So much that I am barely functioning, living off my meds. more xanax then usual, also living hydrocone and extra pain pills. Just a mess. each day I wonder why I even try anymore. For my son I guess, but I just dont have strength. Feel close to breaking.

hollyann

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Holly ))))))))))))))))))))

My friend, you are NOT just a memory to me, never will be. You are real, there for me, supportive and caring. You take me as a friend, for who I am, sight unseen, and hon that is a hard thing to do for many.

As for your family.. I won't compare notes, but the family has made their path, let them travel it. It is NOT your fault! If they want to blame, start with your father, not you. You know the truth and if others decided not to believe you, be there for you, it is truly their loss. It hurts you so much, but in your heart, you know the truth.

Be proud of yourself, you lived through it all, you have a son you love with every being of your body. A rough journey, them making you feel guilty because of their stupidity. (Sorry harsh I know, but what I see.)

Holly you are special to all of us, never forget that. Please.

Love coming your way.

Jeanie

[shatteredhopes]

Oh ((((((((holly))))))))) ((((((((warmie))))))))) is right you are a special and wonderful person and we care deeply about you and Brandon.

I think that stems from the abuse not just with your father but with your son's father who beat you. Abusers always make us feel like it is our fault. If only we didn't do this, he wouldn't have hit me...it must be because I did this I made him angry....sexual abusers make us feel to blame so we have shame to keep us silent. This is a vicious cycle I know, I have struggled to not blame myself then struggled to not put blame on others and fail to accept responsibility for my actions, and its sometimes one step forward two steps back it seems. But darling, you don't deserve the blame. If they heap the blame on you that's on them for not accepting the truth about the molestation and its on them. They are at fault for not standing up for the victim but standing with the abuser. So sorry they are treating you this way hon, you don't deserve this at all, especially after the exceptionally hard past year or so you've had.

But moving with hopefully bring a new start. But don't doubt you have friends here who care about you for a minute. You have always always been there for me and been a wise guiding voice of support and caring more times than I can count and you can't begin to imagine how much I appreciate it. You are a wonderful person hollyann. I hope with this new move life starts treating you a bit better.

Wishing you light and peace in your day and sending loving thoughts.

[hollyann]

I dont know what to say but thanks. It still hurts, it still tears at me. And I try to hold it in. But I'm just so tired.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( Holly ))))))))))))))))

No need to say anything. Just hold on to us.

Warmie

[Ahorse]

I'm really struggling right now. And I hate to admit it. I feel like all I do lately is whine, about how bad my life is. How worthless I feel, even though I know you all don't feel that about me. So much that I am barely functioning, living off my meds. more xanax then usual, also living hydrocone and extra pain pills. Just a mess. each day I wonder why I even try anymore. For my son I guess, but I just dont have strength. Feel close to breaking.

hollyann

Hi Hollyann,

You say you are taking meds so that means seeing a doctor too. Are you seeing a basic doctor or a shrink? And what about a therapist?

My suggestion would be a shrink and get that help to raise your mood enough to make therapy useful. It doesn't really help much if we are very depressed.

You seem to take on the worries of all your family when none of it is actually your fault at all. You need to start looking at each person individually and deciding what is good or bad about them. Having been sexually abused I would not have that man in my life at all, regardless of who he is. He will always be that man to you and make you feel worthless.

Cut him out of your life, at least until you've had enough time to reecover your strength and bge able to cope without accepting their problems as yours.

Your sister too seems to be less than helpful to you and frankly you can't save her unless you save yourself first.

I don't believe you can recover if you are still surrounded by this mess every day. Break off the connections and focus on you and your son, getting stronger.

Someone mentions your husband hurting you. Is that true and still going on?

Essentially you must learn that you are a wonderful person and the only one who can solve your problems, with medical help. You know where all the pain comes from. So it becomes a matter of putting it behind you and not allowing it back in at all, ever.

So firstly you need to make a break from them, follow your treatment, be honest with the doctor and do the therapy when you're feeling a bit better.

Take charge of your treatment and make decisions for yourself. This means when the doc tells you to do this or that, discuss it with him/her and say how you feel about it. It's your life and you must make the decisions that suit you.

Families can be nightmares, mine was too but I finally cut them all off, one at a time and the relief was incredible. I always used to feel miserable and angry after I saw them and now that is gone. It's a hard choice until you do it and feel the change in yourself knowing they aren't going to be there to hassle you.

[hollyann]

Hi Ahorse thanks for the reply. I am taking medicine and seeing a psych however I am not able to see a therapist at this time. My meds are hit and miss some days with my dx. Ive had therapy help me and therapy that has made me worse too. But its something I'd give a try to in the future if I am able.

Its hard not to look at my family as a unit. Yes they are all unique in their own ways, but when it comes down to stuff they act as a whole. Unfortunately problems with the family concerns me because just because they dont treat me like I am, I know they are my family. And while maybe they can walk away from that, I can't. I've tried but its not who I am. If I did that. Well I'd be just as guilty as they are.

I'm not surrounded by it every day, its just sometimes something comes up, like this, or a memory and it takes a while to put it away again and get how I was feeling back. I have PTSD sometimes its better than others and other times it really knocks me for a loop. Luckily it doesn't always take so long to get through this again.

I've never been married but my son's biological dad and someone else I was involved with were abusive to me. The last relationship I had was a very good and loving one, unfortunately it was cut short when he died.

I dont know where all of the pain comes from. I have repressed memories but some of it I do know and unfortunately its not that easy to close the door on that chapter of my life. Because it keeps opening to some of the same pages. I dont think I'm a wonderful person, far from it but on a good day I can manage to like myself if only a little.

When it comes to my doctors and the meds they give me, I always do my best to make informed decisions, it makes my doctors listen more and impresses them most of the time. And I keep what I've tried and what it did to me, and how it worked straight since I've been on so many different kinds of meds.

I can't cut my family off completely. I'm glad that it worked for you. Yet sorry you had to do that. I wont cut them off because I let go of the anger and bitterness along time ago. I still feel the hurt but I am unwilling to cut them off should they ever want to talk to me. No matter how it hurts. I'm not around them so its not something I have to constantly face.
Hope this makes sense. The thing with my sister was hard. But I wont even turn her away. Its not who I am. By doing so I'd be like them. If she wants me I'll be here no matter how hard it is. How bad it hurts. And I wont stop her from knowing her nephew. She doesn't know me very well to think that. However if I find out she tries to turn my son against me that would be a totally different story. I hope this makes sense.

hollyann

[Ahorse]

Hi Hollyann,

Thank you for such a well put together response, it shows you are able to look at this from a distance, at times at least. I too used to have OK times, even within the family. But always, afterwards, I felt dreadful and angry at myself for having let them do their stuff. They weren't violent or anything, just vicioius with the tongue if you know what I mean, Put people down all the time, gossip about them, stab them in the back and so on.

It just made me feel angry, dirty and so depressed that I had a family like that. You see, I knew as soon as I wasn't around I too was their target. I know as my sister told me, when we still got on.

There's an old saying that you can't choose your family. Well, I must disagree with that. When you are old enough you certainly can choose who is and isn't family. I see no point to hanging on to childhood memories of good times when the people are now totally different.

I mean, I retain the good memories but the people have changed so I don't see them any more. I saw the difference in what was and what is. Took me a very long time to wake up so don't think it was easy. I accepted so much hurt before I finally cracked and said "Enough". One at a time too, not all together. Just as they proved to be people I didn't want in my life.

My family is my partner and my children, I have 4, spread around Australia now but I talk and see them too. Just not every day, like you.

Society does place that emphasis on looking after family and it is very hard to even consider what I've done. But when they have shown they care not about you? Then it's time. For me it was. I'm not at all unhappy about it and my life has been so much more peaceful and calm without them interfering and gossiping etc.

My father drove me crazy really. We were in a fatal car accident you see when I was 10. Our family disintegrated on that day losing my Mum and little sister. My father of course lost his wife, his daughter and had to face bringing us up etc. SO I sympathised with his position when I was more mature but he is the reason the survivors of that accident are so depressed, not just I. Even he was, probably the worst really but he'd never face it.

He dealt with the accident by acting like it didn't happen. No funeral, no grieving, no discussion at all of either of them. The old English way of "getting on with it". It failed big time as when we had other bad things happened we went to pieces.

That just so you get why I did it and needed to. He died last year and I felt nothing at all. Not one member of the family told me a thing either. I heard through non family.

You must be yourself, always but are you really that person you think you are? Sure it'd be very normal and good to be there for your sister, but ask yourself if you are actually capable and help her when she needs it?

The point I was trying to make was that to be able to truly be there for her you must be well. If you are not well how can you help anyone? Trying to be you has to be first priority else all is lost.

Therapy isn't the answer for us all. Meds are often the first necessity and we need to stick with such until we do get the relief from symptoms that we need to feel better.

I'm not sure if you know this or not but meds do not cure depression. They aren't designed to do so. They are like headache tablets, they provide relief but don't prevent the next headache. If you follow.

The idea of meds is to use them to raise your mood so you can look at your life more rationally and decide what needs to be done to ensure you can recover from depression.

To me, being in and around such painful memories is destined to keep you where you are.

Don't forget, you can always cut off for long enough to get well and come back to those you really want to be with when you are better. Nothing is final while we are alive but we must do the hard work and make the hard decisions needed to help ourselves else we have to accept we are going to be depressed for life. And it's likely to deteriorate.

I feel so much for you, having such awful things happen to you. Makes me feel as if I've had it easy really but you can't compare lives like that.

PTSD is how my shrink describes my cumulative depression too. I've had quite a number of negative things happen to me at regular intervals that I can't face it any more was how I was when I met my shrink. Back then I expected the hammer to fall every day and I was way down the track. It was so hard climbing back and making decisions along the way. But I did it. Won't ever forget any of it but it's not a daily thought process any more, they are in the back room so to speak, dealt with.

You say you don't know where all the pain comes from yet you described a lot of it in your posts. Re read your own post and look at it as if someone else wrote it and you'll see what I mean. You tell us where the pain comes from. Sure, there is likely to be more that you don't bring to the front of your mind, that's what therapy is for when you feel good enough to face that.

In simple terms the pain comes from dreadfully painful experiences, being treated badly and suffering through those times with the people who inflicted it around you. The details are often blurry but the actual cause is right there in front of you.

You say you let go of all the anger and bitterness a long time ago. Then you say this :

"I still feel the hurt but I am unwilling to cut them off should they ever want to talk to me. No matter how it hurts." If you had let all that go it wouldn't hurt.

I would suggest you are simply repressing that anger and bitterness. Have a look at what you say about your sister:

" However if I find out she tries to turn my son against me that would be a totally different story. I hope this makes sense."

Of course it makes sense. But read it again. You are at least partly expecting her to do or try that. That does not sound like someone who has let go of the anger and bitterness. That sentence is how my life was for a very long time. I expected the worst to happen and you know what? It usually did. I used to blame myself thinking I made it happen by fearing it but that's rubbish.

A last quote from yourself :

" Its not who I am. By doing so I'd be like them."

So who are you then Hollyann? Do you even know who you are while you have that illness hanging over you ready to turn each day into a horror show?

You do not need to compete with them, be better or worse than them. You just need to be you, whoever that is.

My suggestion is clearly a very hard thing to consider but many do it, some without a thought. They just get up and leave. I struggled with it but eventualy I saw I had no choice. If I'd done it 20 years earlier where might I be today? How much better off? You see I was just over 50 when I finally realised what I needed to do. So obviously it wasn't a simple, casual decision, was it? I hung there as long as I could. For the same reasons you are. Because I thought it was what we are supposed to do.

Well, these days it's what is worth doing, not what is expected. That's for others to worry about. I deal with me, my partner and my children first and foremost.Anyone else does not matter to me. Oops, forgot my shrink, he's a wonderful man actually, I'm lucky to have found him.

Clearly you will do what you think is right. But give priority to your son and yourself. Will it help him if you remain how you are? Will it help you?

My suggestion is just a part of what we all need to do to recover as much as we can. There's a lot of determination, honesty, with self and docs, compliance and researching everything before you swallow it or try it out.

I can't talk you into anything Hollyann, nor do I want to. I'm just trying to reflect back to you what your words have said to me. Your first post said it well but your second post to me was essentially defending what had happened to you. Think about that please. Talk to your docs about it.

And good luck, it's a hard road but at least there's a path as many have trodden it, succesfully, more so than me, I am still walking on it.