Depression Understood Forums

I'm not sure where to begin. It's really not the best of nights for me. And at the heart of the matter is because of my family. On my dad's side anyways.

I grew up with a huge family. My dad was the baby of 15 kids. And they had 2 to 5 kids, all but one uncle. Most of his relatives though not all lived in the same town. Except one who lived in TN, one in MO that we didn't associate with except at funerals, another branch that lived in Missouri we seen at the family reunion. And some that lived in Texas. And some of my first cousins had kids by the time I reached 16-17.

So tons of people to talk to, watch tv with, play games with things like that. And then in 99 something happened that chaned my life forever. I put my dad in jail for his actions. A lot of the family didn't believe me. Said I did it for the money, my mom put me up to it. Or even if he did do it he didnt deserve that much jail time. Some of them disowned me. I had watched a cousin for the first four years of her life, every chance I got. I was her "holly". And I loved her very much.

An aunt and uncle of hers had her push me out the door of her grandma's house one day. Compiled on top of everything else. It was just too much. I became very very scared of losing people. So when I had a chance, I moved away from my home town. 800 miles to another state. I didn't keep contact with hardly anyone. An aunt and uncle would forward me mail from my dad. How if i ever needed family, I could count on ours. And I just laughed because he has no clue what they put me through because of him.

for 4 years I lived out of state. Only made two trips back to my home town and didnt see the family. Then moved back to the home town for 2 years. Brandon first learned he had cousins. One of my uncle's didn't recognize me. in the two years that I lived back in town. I saw my family very little. Only went the ones from TN was in town, or if there was some kind of emergency. Or something needed done. I would be two houses down from family and not stop in. Not feel like I could stop in.

Anways moved to texas for two years after that, saw the family once in the time. Then moved to Louisiana, I lost a cousin in 09 she was murdered. And it was easier for my mom (though she had only been related to them throuh marriage) to call and talk with the family for updates. I tried to find what I could and what was going on through newspapers. Sad then when you grow up seeing family almost every day you end up relying on papers or others to tell you about your own family.

Anyways. here it is 2010, and i play facebook games. I add people for the games just to play, I dont know most of my friends list. Anyways a couple of people added me. First one, then another by the second time I received an invite it dawns on me wait a moment. And I look and come to find out it was two of my cousins that added me. It freaked me out. Wondering why, and why now. But they didn't really try to message me or anything. Now yesterday I get a friend request. Another cousin has added me to facebook. And tonight yet another cousin that I didnt even recognize from her picture has added me.

I guess its kinda nice for them to make an effort. But I was out of curiousity looking at their friends list. To see who else in the family was on facebook etc. And I stumbled across my cousin who I used to watch. She's grown up now. I still think of her as the little kid I used to watch with the innocent angel look. Even though when I had gone to visit in the past and seen her, she didnt know who i was anymore. It was a hard blow. But sitting there tonight, I got to see her picture. And its got her status as married. It just all kinda hit home again.

How much I lost, how much my son has missed out on by not knowing them, seeing them living near them. And so many whatifs, and what might have beens. And just a lot of old hurts. Its just really hitting me hard.

(((((((((((((((( Holly ))))))))))))))))))))))

This has been a rough time for you, all the way around. Still I see your strength, your determination. Do you realize how truly strong of a woman you are?

You face so much, but still you are the kindest, most gentle person to all. You are a fantastic mother, always there, always patient and caring with your son.

The past is that hon, the past. What I am seeing is the younger relatives see things for what they are. The older generation is/was the kind that you didn't air your family issues. No matter how it came about, you spoke up, good for you. Do realize the pain you might have stopped for others by doing so?

For sharing, as you just have, thank you. That shows me your trust in me, in us. We are here for you, always. Learning more about you, no matter what, is what friends want to do, be there for you.

Holly, you are a very special person to all of us, here, in the chat room, in my personal life. Being able to share my thoughts and feelings with you has helped more than you will ever know.

Perhaps stay in touch with the relatives, see how it goes, not a lot to give up at the moment to try, is there?

Know you are loved dear friend.

Warmie

(((((Warmie))))))
Thank you. I'm not as strong as people might think. I get closer to breaking sometimes every day, and I do nothing to stop it, or to get help. There are days when even making a simplest phone call is overwhelming to the point i just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and do the necessary calls. Most of my life I've been the responsible one, the one that takes cares of things, that its sometimes where I wish I didnt have to. That things would simply stop so I didnt have to.
Who did I save warmie? He was a way for 7 years and then out for the last three. Good behavior. He's already off parole. My little half sis, I tried talking to her last year when she turned 18. I got a 3 minute phone call. "I'm upset that Bubby hasn't called. I'm 18 now and they can't stop me from seeing or talking to Dad. I may or may not call you back later. She never called back, she's added me to facebook, but never emailed me, or called to let me know her baby had been born, etc.
I saw my nephews picture, first and only time through facebook. I see that it caused me to get hurt, that it cause my sister to get hurt. It caused where my sister doesn't talk to me, things are not right between my brother and me. I saw it cost my family. I'm just not sure looking back if it was worth all that. He got some time, but I lost everyone I cared about at one time. My son is growing up with out a bond of family. And Im wondering if he's the reason why some of them bother to contact me. I dont know.
There's been times I havent been kind, or nice. I spent a long time very angry, at the world, at myself, and just in general. If there was any kindness about me I had done my best to turn from it and erase it. But I can never make up for those things past. I wish I could. The feelings because of the ptsd, and how hard the whole thing was, when they come back. the abandoment, the whole ordeal, they are still just as hurtful, just as real. And make it hard to get close to others.
Sorry I'm rambling now. thanks for listening.

Holly

((((((((((((((((((((( Holly )))))))))))))))

Rant away, what this is all about. Sorry I was any help. Do care!

Warmie

(((((warmie)))))) you do. sorry.

(((((((((((((( holly )))))))))))))) I don't know what to say girl. You know I love you very much and wish I could take all the pain away for you. I really do. But I do know that you have always been there for me when I needed to let out a good cry and rant. And I'll be here for you sweetie. You got the number, use it. Anytime. Day or night.

warmie, I haven't deleted them. That would have been my knee jerk reaction, but I have left them to see if they plan on saying anything, or if its just a front/status whatever.

Sad when I doubt the reasoning they would contact me. I could delete them. But if I did that I'd be sinking myself to their level. There's been enough hurt to go around. I sure don't want to inflict any. Not that I probably have the power to do that. I just hate getting my hopes to have them crushed again. There was a time I would have done anything for this chance, then I got older, more cynical. Things won't ever be the same, and I don't know if I can ever trust them like that again. So a part of me wonders why bother, accept is a constant reminder to keep my distance. And of what I went through.

Really learned the hard way that sometimes people just don't stick. Whether it's by their own doing, or what they can't control. It's just hard I guess.

(((((Obayan)))))) I know, and thank you for that.I appreciate it.

((((((((((((( Holly )))))))))))))))))

You handle it in the best way for yourself. You and your son come first, always.

Warmie