Postby no_answer » Fri Dec 06, 2013 6:16 pm
You're back at insulting and trying to shake off your "depression", while it is back at haunting you. Why "depression" in quotes? Not out of any disrespect for your feelings, but to make it clearer that what you feel is a normal grieving process following a terrible loss.
Do you know, that in some more primitive cultures the survivor was required to harm themselves following a loss of a loved one (like cutting off a finger or poking out an eye), so that they could distract themselves from their feelings? I think it was extreme, and I don't wish you to do anything even close to that, even though this is preciously what you are attempting to do (You see, even that is to some degree normal, and if you were to live in some of those primitive cultures they would demand you to take your self-harm further and make it permanent, or risk the criticism and consequences of breaking that important tradition).
In our culture, there is another extreme, where you are required to get over your loss, fight your depression asap and move on with your life like nothing terrible have ever happened, so that others can be free of the drama that is a great annoyance to their important busy lives.
There is a middle way of honoring your grief, keeping yourself engaged in your thoughts, write a letter to your tragically lost friend with things you wish she could've heard you say, write another letter, as many as you want, share the letter with someone you trust (if you want), cry and write again. There is a great healing power in writing things down. Don't distract yourself, but write it down. Have you tried it? It'll make you cry, but then it will make things clearer and even easier. I did it and it helped somewhat, but I did it too late. At the start, I was like you, trying to get over it asap, lost myself in work and outdoor activities, only to deal with it later, still dealing with it.
Let me know if it worked, if you fell like it.
(triggering)"